Stuck

[Oliverainbow]

Hello All, I am back again. I didn’t realise I had previous replies which I will reply to.

Things have been quite difficult for me and I feel like there is no way out.

My son can’t attend full time nursery as he is too young and ex refuses to pay. He has decided he doesn’t have to give me any money to support baby. He takes him weekends but only for the night and then drops him back in the mornings of the weekend. When I ask him to have him in the day for the weekends he says he is not around. He is always showing off with new clothes and I am scared to call CSA as he is verbally abusive and he told me he doesn’t have to give me anything even though he doesn’t keep him in the day on the weekends.

I can’t work until I can fully pay for my sons nursery, financially I am crippled as I have to keep using a credit card. My daughter from a previous relationship is missing out as I don’t have money for anything.

It makes me feel really low as I have to ensure I am ok when for when ex comes to pick up son as I don’t want any argument. Pretending has become draining.

Although ex is not directly doing anything he is controlling me financially and emotionally. I have no social life as he only tells me on the day when he is having son so I never have time to plan anything. When I ask in advance he tells me he will let me know and that’s what I have to work with. I am not allowed to leave son with anyone.

I have no proof for a non molestation order but I feel I can’t move forward in my life with the contact with him. He messages multiple times a day to check on son. If I don’t answer text he will whatsapp and then call.

I am scared to say anything and to argue. Wanted to consider mediation but I can’t afford it and would be too scared to say everything in a room with him 🙁

[fizzylem]

Hello flower, this is emotional, psychological and financial abuse. He’s likely taking pleasure form thinking you are struggling at his hand.

Contacting the CSA, which is now called the Child Maintanance Agency, feels like a big leap and scary right now, but once you’ve done it you will feel much better, as it means you can let this go, because you’ve given it to someone else to deal with for you. Ask them about nursery fees also. There really is nothing he can do about this if you call – he might be annoyed, but that will pass, he will realise there is nothing he can do so he will likely want to move on from it, then you wont need to ever discuss money with him ever again! You need to do this for your baby and you. Not contributing to the upkeep of his child is disgraceful. Please call.

Not making a set arrangement with you is unacceptable, like you said, even when you do get a break, you cant plan anything because you dont know when exactly it will be. When your son is older an arrangement like this would cause him a lot of distress. It is not unreasonable for you to want a plan in place at all, he is taking the mick here for sure. This is his child too, he is dumping his responsibilties on you.

I know exactly what you mean about mediation, I had what is called ‘shuttle’ mediation, where we were in seperate rooms and the mediator went back and forth between the two of us. If you are on benefits yours will be free.

You could contact CAFCASS and ask them about the parental agreement service – I think they could help you with this.

I know it feels hard, really hard, but you need to find some way to stand up for yourself and your baby – can you access any counselling with a charity?

Make some calls and find out what are your rights and what you can access, you dont have to go ahead when making an enquiry only to any of the above I have mentioned. By doing this you will gather information and start to see what you can do, instead of keep feeling powerless.

He’s doing this but you are also letting him. You’ve tried to discuss things with him and he is not listening, and a big part of you doesnt want to have to deal with him, so it sounds like its time to accept you can not do this alone and thus need to pull in the support that is available to you, get others to work on your behalf like the CMA and other services. You’re trying to hold on to what? The prospect of more of this abuse – which only leaves you feeling desperation.

Take back your power. You can draw a line here, you can do this but it requires you stop worrying about him and to only focus on what you and your children need from here x

[Lisa]

Hello Oliverainbow,

I just wanted to show you some support. I am sorry that you are feeling stuck at the moment. You have come so far so please look after yourself. Sadly your ex’s behaviour is typical of an abusive man who can no longer control you from within the relationship so is trying to control you through child contact with your child. His behaviour is totally deliberate to keep you short of money and without the stability of regular child arrangements that could give you an opportunity to make plans and relax.

Please make contact with your local Women’s Aid group who can help you to consider your options. If you don’t have a regular child contact arrangement in place and if you have genuine concerns that his contact with your son is distressing your son you could talk to your local Women’s Aid group about perhaps stopping contact until he wishes to commit to a regular child contact arrangement that you believe is in the best interest of the child. Without an order it is possible that he could just decide to not return your child, simply to cause you distress. As fizzylem helpful says you could also get some advice from the Child Maintenance Service and perhaps even use the calculator to help work out what you could be entitled to – https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance Please also have a look at http://www.turn2us.org.uk to see if their are any further support you might be entitled to.

We are all here for you. Please try to find out your options and let us know how you are getting on. It is likely that you are entitled to a lot more than you think you might be. Please don’t let him know that you are getting information and support as it may cause his behaviour to escalate.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

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