Stuck, feel hopeless and heart broken

[Awomen]

Hi, Am new here and have recently thought enough of the life am living, I need to do something for myself and for my (detail removed by Moderator) month’s old. I have been married for almost (detail removed by Moderator) years, initially it started with a bit of controlling behavior from my husband, it is either his way or no way, I dont matter, dont exist. He has anger issues, throws things, kicks furnitures and almost everything that goes wrong in his life I am to blame for. He has been diagnosed with depression recently after he lost his dad (detail removed by Moderator) ago, but he doesn’t want to do anything abt it. Sometimes he says he wants to take his own life, which scares me. I have tried so hard to convince him to get help, but failed each time. He doesn’t want me to stay connected to my family, who are the only support system I have got, just dislikes them. Asked me recently to call them only (detail removed by Moderator) times in a week (all of them are far away in a different continent and have never visited us here, mainly because of his behaviour), it feels like I am having to live my life following his rule book. He said so many times now that he regrets that he married me, as I have a big family and he is not comfortable.with them, so expects me to leave them too. (detail removed by Moderator).

If I speak to anyone in front of him, he will unnecessarily argue about things that I shouldn’t have said this or that, why I waste so much time on phone, why do I sleep at odd times (even if am tired or on my period). He made me feel worthless in almost everything, life, career, relationship. I have been trying to rescue our relationship from a long time, but now I think its not done by one person only, everytime there is a fight I am the one to go to him to ask to move on, which almost feels like that I dont have any self esteem. I dont recognise myself anymore the person I was before marrying him. My family says I have changed, lost confidence, become a sad person which I was never.

I think now that all of this is affecting my child and I worry what it might do to his childhood seeing us staying in the same house like strangers, fighting on smallest of things? I dont have anyone here in the country where I can stay for some time to work things out whether I want to stay in this relationship or not? To be able to do that I will have to go to my family in (detail removed by Moderator), but I work here and have mortgage to pay. Most of the days I feel like not waking up all, but have a kid to look after (which I do most of the times anyway without getting much of his support), or have zero energy to do anything, most nights I stay awake late and sometimes cry to lose some burden. I have asked him if we can do couples therapy to workout things, but he doesn’t believe in these things. Can’t right everything I have felt through past (detail removed by Moderator) years. Please help me to understand what I am going through is not just me overthinking but there is actually something wrong?

[Jeeves]

Hi Awoman

Your story is familiar. I can say it will only get worse not better if you stay and harder to go . Read the book ‘ Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft you can add it on your phone and those nights you want to cry , read the book . It will show you, you are not crazy as I imagine you must feel some days . Save your money , save copies of documents you need, this is what I do and one day if enough has been had , it will be easier to go.

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Awomen

Welcome, and it is good to hear you speaking a bout and finding the words to speak your situation and feelings to others. I am glad you have found here, a safe space to do that.

Your life, as you describe, sounds terrible for you. It does sound very sad and also scary being around someone with such tempers, controlling of you and emotionally blackmialijng you, as well as isolating you from your family.

What strikes me is that your instincts are spot on. You know that all of these things are wrong, are abusive, and yes, will also show your son that this is how men should be, how he should grow up to be.

You are left alone with the childcare, and that will not only impact you deeply, but wil have even more of an impact on your son who will wonder why his dad isn’t involved with him, will feel unloved and possibley suffer attachment issues, especailly where men are concerned.

Again, the hardest part can be saing those first words, so well done, and I hope you will know that what you feel is completely normal for the abnormal situation you are in.

Please do not let him emotionally blackmail you over his sucide. You are not responsibile for his life no matter how hard he tries to push that on you. Only he is responsible and only he will ever have the power over his life to make changes to it for himself. It doesn’t sound like he likes you very much does it, wheras it sounds like you care deeply about his well being and want to help, more than he does himself even. He doesn’t want things to change, he likes things just as they are, with him in control, and anyone else being involvedspoils his plans.

You are seeing him for who he is.

Your instincts are good.

warmest wishes

ts

[Awomen]

Thank you sister, this is tiring to go through the same cycle of silent treatment and again go back to be normal for a moment then the whole shebang starts again. I am at the verge of making a decision to tell him to take a break from each other. But I dont know how? Also afraid that could it be used against me when it comes to who keeps the child custody.

[Awomen]

Thank you for the moral boost and your kind words. I dont know how I got here, but even after all this I dont know if I have the courage to actually take an action which would be good for all 🙁

[Twisted Sister]

You will when you are ready, keep talking things through and knowing your truth, trusting your good instincts, and maybe call your local DA services to help you with a plan if you feel ready to do that, in the meantime they can help you with a plan to stay safe whilst with him and talk things through with you generally.

warmest wishes

ts

[Author]

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