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Hello – Will start by saying I’m no longer being abused. My boyfriend is a good person and to be honest (although has flaws as everyone does), is really right for me.
The issue is, I recognise that I was in an abusive relationship with him for a number of years before he changed his behaviour. This was possibly situational abuse and we have both learnt and grown from the trauma we shared.
Despite things being much better, I can’t help but go through cycles in my head where I ruminate constantly about whether I want this, whether I can get genuinely excited for our future together, and whether I truly love him still.
I come to a point where I feel like leaving is the only way to become unstuck and rid myself of anxiety/ sadness. But then I gear up to leave (with the help of my therapist sometimes) but can’t. I get a sickness in my stomach and I honestly can’t bring myself to do it – through fear of making a mistake I guess and missing the life we have together.
We recently agreed to buy a flat together and it’s creating this cycle again – I know I have got myself into this mess but I don’t know how to become ‘unstuck’ mentally and take courage. I’ve tried speaking to friends but I don’t want to be the boy who cried wolf and they get sick of it.
Thank you in advance for any advice you may be able to share x*x
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Hi Buttercream41,
Your gut instinct is telling you this isn’t right isn’t it?
Things in your relationship may be ‘much better’ but are they ‘really great’? It’s good that he has changed and acknowledged previous behaviour, and we can forgive people, but can we really forget?
As we grow older we do change. Feelings change. People grow apart, people want different things from life. Just because you have overcome something together doesn’t mean you have to spend the rest of your life with someone. If you are having doubts about your feelings for him then committing yourself to a huge financial investment to buying a home together is not a good idea. Have you lived together before? If so, how did that go? If you haven’t, how about renting somewhere for six months first of all to see how that goes? If you have lived together due to one of you having your own place and the other has moved in then this is a little different to living together with joint and equal investment. If you have your own place and the other moves in then one party can choose to leave at any point with no financial consequence, and one party can insist the other leaves while they keep a home. Joint and equal investment makes leaving or keeping the home more difficult and costly and makes us feel more trapped if we want out. A trial period of a six month joint tenancy agreement may be a taster option if you have not lived together before.
Leaving a relationship is always going to have its difficulties regardless of whether it is abusive or not. Someone usually gets emotionally hurt, someone usually doesn’t want the relationship to end, there’s often the fear of ‘what if we’ve made a mistake and they won’t have us back?’ I’ve now found out this is called the Scarcity Factor. We worry about not being able to find another relationship because they can be hard to come by, so we hold on to the one we’ve got even if it’s not good for us because for some of us, any relationship is better than no relationship.
From my experience, I got pregnant thinking that may help make the relationship stronger. It didn’t. We sold my house and bought a house together because it would make the relationship more equal. It didn’t. The abuse and the control got worse. I did leave him in the end and it was difficult, destructive and expensive. The reality was I should never have had a baby with him, should never have bought a house with him. All the red flags were there but I chose to ignore them because of the Scarcity Factor and my own insecurities of being on my own.
I’ve now been on my own for many years. Life is what I make of it. I’m healthy, I have a peaceful home and can invite people over when I want to, I can go out when I want, come home when I want, have weekends away when I want. I have learned that a life can be enriched by the people around me, I do not need an intimate partner to be complete. Sometimes life can be lonely, but I look back and remember how lonely I was when I was in a relationship with my abuser; you don’t have to be alone to be lonely.
You may have FOG, or just OG (obligation and guilt) that you have agreed to buy a flat with him and now feel that you have to go through with it because he’ll be upset/devastated/hurt/disappointed/angry if you pull out and go back on your agreement. We can’t go through life doing things we really don’t want to do in order to please other people, that’s just a recipe for disaster. Doing what WE want for ourselves is not always selfish, often it is self care.
If the only way to rid yourself of anxiety and sadness is to leave him then you know the answer. Remember, you cannot get better by staying in the environment that is making you ill.
Some things that we need to do in life are not easy, but neither is going along with something we don’t really want.
xx
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Hi buttercream41 i whole heartily agree with wants to help too.
I am in similar situation, we bought a house together and things have gotten worse! I would try renting together for awhile see how that goes first. Don’t be like me feeling utterly stuck!
The emotional games is nightmare, second guessing your feelings, and living on egg shells is not fun! It’s gotten to point of wanting to leave, but that means it’s going to be all out war ( he will see it like that) and it will be expensive getting solicitors involved.
So I’m in limbo land, biding my time and going to reach out to support worker in my area!
And like you I thought, oh if I do x, y, b it will get better, or I’ll tell myself I love him, making excuses all over the years! Oh it’s not that bad, Having children, moving home it still didn’t change him,
Look after yourself and take care
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Hello @wantstohelp and @sunshinedrops, thank you both for sharing your experience and your helpful replies – I’ve read them multiple times over and done a lot of thinking. I’m at a crossroads pretty much tonight and I feel so anxious and conflicted.
One moment I’m totally convinced it’s the right thing to do then the next I’m ruminating again and doubting myself – especially since we just had a really lovely weekend together and things are good.
We have been renting together for a fair amount of time now and things have gotten gradually better – they may continue to get better. The main issue really is me and the intrusive thoughts I get that leave me feeling down and unsure. Have you had any exposure to or know of any situation where this has happened? xx
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I did stay with one guy for longer than I should have done because I couldn’t find a valid reason to end the relationship other than ‘he was too quiet for me’. He was lovely, caring, loyal, did what he said he’d do, an equal provider, kind, attractive. We were together for a while and even talked about marriage. He moved in with me, but as time went on I just knew he wasn’t for me ‘for ever’ because there was an area we were not compatible in and I could not overcome that. I could have let it go on and on because I knew he’d be hurt and he would have to be the one to leave because it was my house but I really didn’t know what words to use to end a relationship that didn’t appear to have any problems. My family and friends loved him too.
In the end, the worry about this started to make me feel stressed and I just had to be honest and end it. He was a very shy guy and I’m outgoing and chatty. Much as he was lovely in every other way we were not meant to be together for ever. I broke his heart when I ended it and I remember him moving out in to what is now known as an HMO.
A few years later he married a lovely woman and is still with her now, and I met my abuser! However, I know if I’d have stayed with him we wouldn’t have lasted because I just wasn’t as happy as I should have been because there was ‘something’ missing. Sometimes we can’t really put our finger on it, but we have to acknowledge these feelings. When we continue to ‘make do’ with someone it’s not right or fair for either party.
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Looking at it slightly differently- what’s your partner doing to support & reassure you?
Whatever happened in the past has affected your trust and you’re probably expecting something to happen again despite the happier times. Fact is he did do something. When you say he changed his behaviour- what has he actually done, has he sought external support and counselling or has he just said he’s changed. The cycle of abuse can vary so you could be in a lovely long love bombing / happy period. Once hurt your instincts will be kicking in to protect you.
If you’re not ready to buy a house then a supportive partner will look to understand your reservations, look at ways to support you, encourage you and work together. Is he doing this? With the cost of life sky rocketing and a recession looming there’s good reason to wait. Is it your confidence lacking or are you being gaslighted to be made to feel it’s you?
Good luck xx
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