Stupid stupid stupid me.

[nbumblebee]

Here I go again same message same problem. We have a week where we are together 24/7 after a few days i start to relax to enjoy nyself and his company we laugh we dance its so nice not perfect but when is marriage ever? We return and after one day it starts im having an affair he ignores me all night then wants sex wants a cuddle I say no and he starts.
A friend of mine tried to take her own life he hates her and insread of being supportive he tells me she is weird and wants me to stay away. She is ok thankfully but thats not the point.
I thought id be that one person who could turn this around how utterly stupid am I.
I havent hurt myself in ages (detail removed by Moderator) I did nothing bad just in anger at myself usually I try and hide it but no I almost want someone to see to ask to take me away to tell me to go yo guide me to safety. Nobody will I know that Its up to me to save nyself but I cant seem too. Every time every b****y time I stay Why am I so b****y stupid? Im so angry at nyself for being so so stupid.

[minimeerkat]

as you have probably been noticing more recently, yes its nice when we feel we can relax a little & enjoy spending time with our partners – but then we end up quite devastated to see exactly who they are when their behaviour changes. it can feel like quite a kick in the stomach
you see their entitlement, selfishness, inconsideration, callousness & control
i know its not easy to stop yourself becoming & feeling hopeful when they are behaving nicely, but if you can try to bear this in mind from now on. it will help a little with any distress that normally follows
your partner will be nice only when it suits him, usually when he is getting his own way & everythings on his terms
thankfully your friend is ok but yes it would have been both worrying & upsetting for you to hear this
i know you dont have the courage or confidence to contact your local da service, so please take extra special care of yourself right now
sending love & a hug x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much minimeerkat I really need that hug x*x

[Gotthatrite]

@nbumblebee I just wanted to let you know you aren’t the only one to fall for this. I have been doing the same for a few years now. We talk it over and everything is good until it’s not. Then the verbal slurr starts and silent treatment etc etc. i didn’t want to end our marriage that’s why I kept on explaining what was hurting me and why I believed every time we could make it work… But it’s only temporary and then the ugly side to him resurfaces. I have stood my ground this time and said I don’t want to continue with the marriage, we are in very early stages, were twice he has said he will move out and hasn’t. It’s going to be a long process. Please have the strength in yourself to do what’s best for you, keep a journal and every time you feel hurt, sad, write it down and go back to them feelings. I have realised that it will never change, no matter how much we convince ourselves it will. Take care and stay strong. X

[nbumblebee]

@Gotthatrite Thank you. I hope its ok to ask this how how did you have that conversation with him that you wanted out?
I cant cope I really cant go on I just dont know how to have that talk im so scared. X

[Gotthatrite]

@nbumblebee ask away I don’t mind. If it helps you. Honestly, we were in silence for weeks and I really needed to get it off my chest but didn’t know how to start that conversation. He made dinner for me and I didn’t accept it as I felt he was trying to get into my good books, like the previous times and that was it, he said something has to change here and that gave me my opening to start the conversation. I felt elated to get it off my chest. But I have to say he is just carrying on, drinking going to work, like nothing is wrong. For all the dread of starting the conversation, nothing has changed, so that’s really only the tip off the iceberg. But, you deserve to be happy and content. Good luck and keep posting. I have found lots of courage and validation here. Take care of yourself.

[nbumblebee]

I need to write this down for my own sake I guess. We talked till early hours. I tried to explain how i felt how I cant go on living in fear like this he kept trying to turn it said id changed i was selfish self centered vain how i make him think im having an affair. He said he understands he sees it from my view that he had to get used to this new me that i had to give him time. I answered with weve tried we talk he admits it never says sorry then days later it happens again. He told me how he looks into my social media how he watches what i say and do i told him this wasnt normal that how could we have a marriage if there is no trust. He told me to leave i said ok. But then he said thats what i wanted all along that i want to leave he flipped it again to me. Nothing was resolved and again (detail removed by Moderator) he awakes asking for sex for cuddles and when i said no he storms out.
Am i in the wrong please be honest sith me. Should i show more affection after a talk it was calm there was no anger but nothing was resolved the problem is still there so why should i forget it?
Im so confused so very very messed up. X

[tiredofitall]

Honestly, you are not wrong. You are doing everything you can to make your marriage work whilst trying to stay sane. The problem is that he doesn’t seem like he is prepared to accept responsibility and without that you are trying on your own. He doesn’t believe that he is doing anything wrong. Even if he does listen, he’s not really listening. And you can tell that by his actions, regardless of the words that come out of his mouth. He should understand why you don’t want sex after you’ve had words but instead he behaves like a child when he can’t have what he wants. He hasn’t listened to anything you’ve said. He shouldn’t be spying on you – he should trust you. Its his insecurity. And its no wonder you are confused. Its very confusing – but that is what they do to us to stop us from leaving. Because its hard for us to face up to the truth when they convince us that THEY are the victim. I spent years and years doing everything I could, spending hours thinking of the ways i could help him get better, work through his problems, support his addictions. In the end, I could no longer deny that despite all that he said, he really didn’t believe that he was behaving in any way that needed to change. Even now, after he has lost everything, he still doesn’t see it. I see it on here a lot and it helped me get some clarity….watch what they do not what they say. Hugs to you xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you.
Its as if nothing happened he is moaning at me for still being angry he says i should just forget and move on that he is trying to stop but this happens again and again and im so tired.
Sex is such a huge issue he says i must have it to lrove that im not having an affair.
Whatever happened to love and affection? Surely thats what sex is about or am I wrong there?
I just dont trust my own head anymore. X

[Bananaboat]

No you are not wrong. You are doing the right thing, trust your gut. Sex requires emotional connection – treating you like this then expecting a yes is sadly another one of their tests. He needed an excuse to be moody and this was today’s. Huge well done for saying ‘ok’ when he said about leaving. This was another test to trigger you begging him to stay and you won this one by double bluffing! This is also how I started the conversation to end things, like many others, as it becomes easier to say it each time and they also may do two things – either push you to the point of leaving and/or ‘discard’ you. Both tactics are (as ever) to make you out to be the bad guy and them the victim. Stay strong, you’re doing so well. Yes you’ve changed and that’s because you’re stronger x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much BB I appreciate your comments so much.
He has made it clear that he wont leave that its his house and thag I will have to go.
I just wish I knew how.
Guilt shame are my biggest worries. Guilt for the kids shame as what will I say? It will be me leaving him he will be the victim wont he. I just cant get my head in ordee.

[Bananaboat]

You’re married so it’s not upto him to just decide it’s his house and you have to leave – it’s another bullying tactic. Get some advice if you can, even if it’s just for your back pocket for now – knowledge is power. But yes he won’t make it easy whatever route you take. Don’t let the guilt/fear/shame stop you, that’s his voice talking you’ve nothing to be ashamed of!! x

[nbumblebee]

Im so close to leaving so close its just that last step thats stopping me.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi nbumblebee I am sending you hugs as I know just how you feel, it is a complete blow after being happy and thinking that everything is maybe going to be okay, things seem to be getting better and it can feel like it’s the best it’s ever been. Unfortunately we both know it’s all part of the cycle, the chemistry, the addiction and them not changing and it’s all a game, a pretense.

I’ve just been through my nice phase, thinking things are better, getting hooked back by him then just as I’ve fallen back in the trap feeling as happy as ever, things are perfect just how I want them, guard is down, wallop there he is again.

How many times do we do this cycle? I’m not asking myself this anymore.

Just firstly look after yourself 🩷 then make plans even if you don’t carry them through. I know this is incredibly hard, something that frightens you. But it gives you options. Options, means you’re not trapped, stuck and you don’t have to live like this. Put yourself first, in control.

What frightens me is I’m not getting younger, I can’t bear the thought of depending on him if I got ill in my old age, being trapped with him then would be just awful. It is thoughts like this that make me want to move towards a better life and future.

Thinking of you CB X

[nbumblebee]

Oh I am so so so b****y mad.
I was determined all day I was gonna go.
We talked I told him I couldnt go on that I wanted to leave.
He said he thinks he may have a problem depression or some deep routed trauma he wants to see a counsellor he wants to work this out. So again I back down.
What sort of person would I be if I left now? He wants help maybe Ive got this all wrong maybe ive been looking for a narc an abuser what if hes not either what if hes as hurt as I am?
Now what???????

[Chocolatebunnie]

Aww nbumblebee it’s another tactic I’m sure.

I would take some time to process things and do listen to your inner voice, your intuition. If it feels right to go or you just don’t feel safe make plans to leave.

Can you stay with friends or relatives so you can just breathe, process and maybe see things more clearly.

This is a good time for you to reach out to local WA just for some advice and emotional support. They can support you.

You don’t have to leave immediately but have a plan, just in case. And if you want to leave now then you will be able to organise this, WA can support you and help you see straight. If you’ve really had enough don’t let him change your mind.

If you want to see how things go, still make a plan so if he doesn’t change get help, you know what to do next.

Xx

[minimeerkat]

sweetheart, i was also told (all of a sudden) that my ex thought he was suffering from depression, blaming his mental health. i believe many other women have also had this excuse mentioned by their abusive partners
i just wanted to make sure you were aware of this
sending love x

[Cloudy]

Hi nbumblebee,
I resonate so much with what you’re going through at the moment – I too tried to leave (detail removed by Moderator) months ago and have stayed for so long due to him saying it’s all been down to his mental health. It’s difficult to take a step back and realise it may be a tactic they’re using to keep us here. I’ve realised even if he is struggling with his mental health, it’s still not okay for him to have treated me the way he has (and the same goes for you)!
Thinking of you, stay safe xx

[Bananaboat]

What do you now? You watch his actions, take all words with a pinch of salt. Until he goes to get help and commits to it long term then nothing has changed.

You could set a timescale in your head (could tell him but he might react badly) that you’ll give him 3/6/12 months to do x/y/z. This gives you a feeling of options. What will most likely happen is he’ll play victim, think he’s won you round, be good for a while and boom round you go again. You could suggest separating temporarily or one of you go away for a few days, but be prepared that they don’t leave the house easily. Even if it is mental health related, it’s no excuse, it’s still targeted at you behind closed doors and he’s only saying about it now because you’ve said you can’t go on. So many of us have those texts or had conversations where he said he’s ill, he’ll die without us, he needs your help, it hurts like hell but it really is just another tactic.

Eitherway don’t give up hope – you didn’t think you’d ever reach this point! Be proud of yourself xx

[Stargazing1]

I’m starting to wonder if I’m being stupid and starting to wonder if I’m making a mould out of a molehill . I’ve spoken too womens aid before in the past and they told me I was thinking clearly yet I still wonder am I being thick and got this all wrong. Only time will tell.

[Stargazing1]

@nbumblebee , your not stupid. Your a very highly intelligent person who is probably been given the run around like all of us here . Please be kind too yourself . I know it’s hard for us too be kind to ourselves but I just would like it if you was kind to yourself. Sending hugs.

[Stargazing1]

I really feel stupid now because this stress is causing me to not sleep very well at all .

[Stargazing1]

I know I’m not a very good helper @nbumblebee and I’ve popped in a few things I feel stupid about but I do care because we are all in the same boat here . My heart goes out to you and all I wish for you is a good outcome ❤️ . Please take care 🙂.

[nbumblebee]

Hey never ever EVER apologise for talking on here no matter what you say this is a safe space and we all know so please pkease dont worry whatever you say or said kr want to say is just fine in fact iys so much better put on here than left to fester. As someone who self harms i know the importance of letting it out so whatever you wanna say just say it you are safe here. My PM is there if you just wanna stick it all on there to let it out. X*x

[Stargazing1]

Thank you so much @@nbumblebee I appreciate your support ❤️. Take care please.

[Stargazing1]

Sorry @nbumblebee on the previous post I put two @@ . Sorry.

[Stargazing1]

I’ve had some feedback from the local womens aid and I’m hoping someone will be getting back to me again next week . All I can think of now is what am I doing. What I have posted about has happened and its been occurring on and off for ages . I know I will just be talking too someone but I feel like I’m a bad person now. He’s still not apologised for what occurred and he’s being kind . I have actually told him before whether it was wrong or not I worry when your kind . I’ve got to try and put this too the back of my mind and pretend everything is OK because my daughter and son have arranged something for (detail removed by Moderator) . I don’t want to sound stupid but I feel really bad about getting in touch with my local womens aid . I am and will partake in everything they can offer and then maybe I won’t feel as bad. On the other side of the coin there’s a big possibility he will kick off again anyway.

[nbumblebee]

Here my day. I saw a counsellor she told me that i need to leave but i need to get stronger I self harm so i need to find some strength b4 i leave get my ducks in a row. Right now i am (detail removed by Moderator) pretending all is fine i have to i need to keep myself safe. I feel like a two faced b***h i hate myself.
Sqeetie we do what we have to do to feel safe to try and claw back a life thats worth living.
You have got this and we are all right here with you xxxx

[Stargazing1]

Hi @nbumblebee , glad you got too see the Councillor. Her quote about you probably need to be a little stronger makes sense. I’m sorry too here you are hurting yourself. Please be careful I would not like too think you really hurt yourself alot . Please don’t hate yourself your in a very difficult position. Your doing your best in such a position. I really appreciate your kindness ❤️. Please take care of yourself.

[Stargazing1]

@nbumblebee , your not the only one who hates themselves. I’ve not had an apology nothing . In his eyes its like it never happened and yet I’m being reasonable with him . Why am I being reasonable with him after all he’s done . I probably should still be cross with him because he hasn’t apologised and I am but I’m not showing him . I hate myself because it’s like after a few days of not talking too one another and then the odd sentence here and there to him being really kind it’s like I’m letting him know that it’s okay for him to behave like that . How stupid does that make me ? I’m such an idiot. I’m sorry to hear your not liking yourself either it’s horrible isn’t it . Sending hugs.

[Stargazing1]

I don’t want too be nice too him because he doesn’t deserve it . I really hate myself for being nice too him . He’s despicable that’s what he is despicable.

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