Stupidly told him!

[I.dont.know.]

(Removed by moderator) I stupidly told my partner that I wanted to leave  (removed by moderator) has been very hard he’s trying all sorts of emotional blackmail to make me feel bbad which of course I do!

Ive had but I love you your my world.
Your going to ruin my life I’ll never see my kids.
Im going to have to spend my life at work to pay for your new house.
I might as well crash my car and end it coz what’s the point in living.
I helped you through your depression why aren’t you helping me?
(detail removed by moderator)

The thing is he’s barely done anything with the kids as he works alot and spends every spare hour for filling his hobby has done for the passed year.

[KIP.]

Just be very careful of your safety. This is the most dangerous time for Women. Nothing has changed. It’s his behaviour that has led you to this point. Remember the FOG of abuse. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. Perhaps you told him hoping he would change for the better. You know any change would be temporary. I had my mind changed many times and every time the abuse got worse. He punished me for my behaviour and I just didn’t see it coming. He also began his financial abuse. Hiding tens of thousands. Tightened control. Found out his Rights. Blamed me for abusing him by asking him to leave. Lied and gaslighted and also told me he wouldn’t want to live without me. My mental health plummeted every time.

[Poodlepower]

Since the 1st time mine showed signs of violence, I tried to separate. I tried to be reasonable and care for his wellbeing-i didn’t want him to be homeless. I would tell him he could stay in the spare room until he was sorted and that I’d help him to find a place. He was never, ever reasonable. I heard
You’re all I’ve got.
I HATE this person! Stop talking like this! Where’s the woman I love? I don’t want YOU.
You’re killing me.
If you don’t stop, I’ll stove your head in.
What’s changed? What happened to make you say these things?
And of course, eruptions of violence-threw (detail removed by moderator) in my face, kicked holes in doors and furniture, smashed my crockery.
But never, ever “ok Love, how can we fix this?”
He would say that he had a “right” to live in my house and I’d never get him out. When the police took him away and told him he couldn’t come back (bail conditions) I think he felt robbed of the little world he’d created in my home. He had complete control over me and the house.
I 1st rang the police months before our final separation. I ended up lying to them, I told the he had gone and I was now safe and there was no need to come and get him. Because I felt sorry for him. Things got worse after this, when I was hoping it would be the ” wake up call” that turned him around.

Looking back, I should have made a plan and left him with no warning. I put myself danger.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello Idk and everyone who has been/is in this situation.
Solidarity may sound like a dated word, but I would like to offer some here.

I too have been in this situation, and can’t agree more with comments made
I too told my ex that I had been speaking to WA. Luckily didn’t reveal my plans just
said that I had.

I now understand that deep down I was desperate to hear what Poodlepower too wanted to
hear that is ‘love, how can we fix this?’

In a caring, mature and human relationship this is what someone would normally be hearing.
It is very, very hard indeed to face the reality that this is not and never will be, what we are dealing with here. I still have difficulties identifying abusive dynamics, even today. I feel it is something I need to carry on working on, maybe throughout my life.

I would join with others in validating a typical consequence of telling them you are intending to get out of the situation. In my case, the abuse did get much worse also, especially financially and
the gaslighting (which I had no idea at the time that is what it was). I was just experiencing the FOG and didn’t get any clarity until much later, years later. How I survived all that without a nervous breakdown I will never know. Or rather I do. With the support of WA and staff and friends at refuge…and the love of my child. And a few miracles, and prayers, meditations, gardening, cleaning, a friendly female taxi driver who said a few kind words, the kindness of strangers…

All I can say to you at this point is that you are not alone, this forum is so important.
Looking back it reminded me of some very dark chess game with my ex.
Luckily and this may be your saving grace, some of them think we are too stupid and weak to build lives for ourselves. They couldn’t be more wrong…

May the Force be with you
ftc
x

[I.dont.know.]

I don’t know what to do now should I try be extras nice to him to protect myself but not let him change my mind about ending the relationship? Ideally I want to remain in our home and him move out

[freedomtochoose]

My suggestion: it is not easy getting used to the idea that you may need to lie to him.
But in order to get out, this is what you will need to do.

Think of it as a survival strategy. You don’t need to make a lot of noise about ending the relationship or not. You just need to make a plan and ACT.
all best
ftc
x

[Iwon]

I make mistake of telling mine I was too unhappy to carry on. The tantrums got much worse. Get hard and clever. Tape him when he is being abusive. Go to your doctors. Have his abuse documented. Is your house rented or brought. Is it in your name. Speak to dv police and womens aid. There is help x

[I.dont.know.]

Thank you , he is in complete denial and refusing to accept it so I’m playing along. I really wanted to keep our house for the sake of the kids and I work from home but there’s no way he will allow it. It’s mortgaged I’m both our names.

Back to my original plan of private rental, my doctor is aware of the situation coz he couldn’t stress enough how I must come back if I get low moods ( history of mental health). He’s trying alsorts of c**p including telling our daughter (detail removed by moderator).

[Author]

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