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Ex is talking about suicide with friends quite often, he has nothing to live for if there’s no hope of getting back together, telling them not to tell him it’s definitely over etc.
He was telling me the same constantly then stopped and said he’d give me space and would change my mind.
He told a mutual friend last that the kids would get over it eventually if he did but I never would. This really really worries me. I was hoping the kids would stop him doing anything stupid. I know it could be manipulative and I’m not going to return to the relationship but I am in a constant state of panic over what he might do :-(.
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I’m sorry I don’t have a lot of experience as I am early on in the journey but I am sure this is a tactic? Getting friends to feel sorry for him, deflecting from his behaviour, putting it back on you, playing the victim (even with his comment about the kids “getting over it”). Also the people who talk about it in my experience aren’t the ones that do it….
I do just want to reassure you that this is absolutely completely not your responsibility. He is not your responsibility and whatever he does is not your fault.
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Thankyou 1234freedom. I really hope it is just another tactic. I know rationally of course it wouldn’t be my fault but it would be catastrophic for the kids of he did and I’d have stayed in the relationship if it meant sparing them that to be honest. It wasn’t awful, in fact it was good a lot of the time. Not physically violent and had committed to doing a parenting course etc
I was sure he wouldn’t get inside my head again and so frustrated this is taking so much energy from me yet again.
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I can relate to the feelings of things not being “that bad”, but I wonder if you are honest with yourself were they really that good?
Try not to be hard on youself for caring, it’s taking so much energy because you are a good person with empathy,
What people are saying below is on the mark…. He wants sympathy and attention but that is not your job (never was Def isn’t now), so if you are worried report it to his GP which physically passes the baton of responsibility on. I’d also say that your mutual friends shouldn’t be talking to you about him? It puts you in a difficult position. Also it’s a bit of a smear campaign “she hurt me so much I am the victim my life isn’t worth living anymore I am going to kill myself”. When in reality his behaviour was wrong, not yours.
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From a mental health perspective you could view it as a positive that he is reaching out to others and sharing his emotional pain rather than silently contemplating suicidal thoughts.
If this is meant to ensnare you in a feelings of guilt and obligation, if it’s said when his needs aren’t being met and they have a ‘condition, – ie. if you do x I will/won’t.. this feels like it’s said with less intent, as a form of emotional abuse – with him in victim mode with you as the persecutor.
His choice to live, or live differently, belongs with him, not you.
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My ex did this a lot at first, for attention and so he could tell our friends and his family that I drove him to it. The thing that made me really sick was that he chose to threaten suicide to (detail removed by Moderator), to be sure of a strong reaction. By telling lots of people they can be sure of lots of attention and lots of sympathy, and sorry if I sound cynical, but can also be sure of being found in time. The best advice I had was if he makes a current threat to say I’m doing it right now, ring the police or an ambulance, then you have done your best and they can’t draw you back in. It’s such a cruel trick and detracts from genuinely hurting people. As has already been said, it’s not your responsibility
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Having sadly lost some friends to suicide they didn’t openly talk about it like this. That’s not to say people don’t, (because they should!) or the threats aren’t real but abusers love to be a victim, and making these statements give them people’s attention and sympathy. It also potentially makes you out to be the bad guy for ending things. It’s likely he’s looking for a ‘saviour’ to take him in (whether that’s you taking him back, family/friends taking him in or a new partner – any of them is the next supply)
Even if you don’t want the relationship back you’re concerned about him and he knows his words are causing a reaction in you and others that benefits him. As others have said, take the threat seriously by contacting the relevant support GP/police etc, then hopefully either he’ll get the help he needs from the right people, or if he’s ‘faking it’ he’ll stop making nuisance threats. That’s the best way you can help him x
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Thankyou all. I already made his GP and family aware a while ago. Friend wasn’t trying to worry me- more to reassure that they had told him he was wrong about the kids etc. He is switching between who he contacts including me- drops people if they don’t respond sympathetically/ challenge what he says.
I do think it is an attention thing yes. I don’t think he would intentionally but it worries me still because whilst I think this is attention – he is also depressed and difficult to predict whether he’ll hurt himself(history of doing so) or lash put at others.
@Bananaboat I agree with you on the whole but having had a parent who tried multiple times for help/ attention/to guilt trip/ genuinely distraught, she came so so close to actually managing it on 3 occasions and that has had a massive impact on me which I would do anything to avoid for my own kids. -
Please remember that whatever happened to him in his miserable life to feel like this happened long before you came along.
Many abusers threaten suicide to blame the partner and hurt the children.
Please keep all communication in writing.
You’ve done as much as you can. Now you need to focus on your own needs, and the children. What this abuser does with his life is completely out of your control.
It’s terribly sad when people die by their own hand. It’s a finite solution to a temporary problem, usually. Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself. He’s guilt tripping and hoovering you. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this on such a personal level. Your ex will know that this is a sore point for you.
Most abusers don’t take their own lives. My ex used to threaten to frequently. These days I feel very sorry for that poor little boy, treated with utter contempt by his parents. I feel no pity for the man he became.
You’ll get there. Keep reaching out. Keep posting. There’s a lot of real life support out there as well.
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Maddox I’m trying so very hard not to feel blame/ responsibility but it’s so difficult. And I’m terrified about what he might do because I feel like it is in my control but I’m choosing not to give him what he wants….. for good reasons yes but my decision on that could result in the kids losing their dad. I really hope it’s just another tactic.
And yes his parents were awful to him but so was mine and we have a choice don’t we- I like what you say and will allow myself to feel sympathy for his childhood without feeling I should make excuses for the now. I could never forgive or go back, he cannot accept that though.
I am concentrating on the kids 100%- they are the most important thing in the world to me. I thought they were to him too, he’s not who I thought he was :-(. Feel so broken.
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It’s such a rocky ride detaching from an abuser. It takes time and effort. Baby steps. One day you’ll be up that mountain and looking at the view.
An abuser isn’t going to bare all at the beginning, though when we look back, there are all sorts of red flags dotted about. It’s such a shock to recognise the abuse, and realise that the person we fell in love with isn’t really there at all. These people live with a facade and they use us as we might use a bike or a door.
Are you in touch with Women’s Aid? Way back when I started by doing the Freedom Programme. It’s really good at explaining abusive behaviour, and so often we’ve normalised it, blamed ourselves, tried to twist ourselves into something acceptable to them, loosing ourselves on the way through the shifting goalposts.
It helps to look at the evidence. He’s threatened suicide to you more than once. I bet he doesn’t talk to his friends about ending his life. It’s his responsibility to sort out his mess. This is firmly on him. Right now, it’s very frightening and triggering for you.
Are you afraid that he’ll do something stupid when he’s got the children? If so, it’s really important to speak to a professional in real life about your concerns. My children are now old enough to have gone pretty much no contact with their dad. It has its own problems and they have so much growing up to do. I was often afraid for them when they were with him.
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Hi
He only sees the children when I’m there at the moment thankfully. So I have regular contact with him. He hasn’t found anyone else to be with him when he has them/ is choosing not to and I’m not comfortable leaving them alone with him (detail removed by Moderator). Have been working hard to not get sucked in each time but the suicide stuff is challenging to step back from. Feel trapped by it because I don’t want to deny the kids contact.
Am feeling a little calmer today though thankyou everyone.
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Hi.. the suicide threats are a common tactic.. mine also did this and he has had a messed up dysfunctional childhood as well. Because mine was claiming to be suicidal whilst still seeing our children at that time I felt I had no option other than to stop his contact as I didn’t want anyone to be around my children who were threatening suicide as that meant that my ex husband’s mental H was unpredictable, so I asked the police to do a welfare check.. that stopped my ex’s suicide threats.
The lows they stoop to are so upsetting as I couldn’t imagine threatening suicide to get what I want… your ex is in victim mode to get in your head“I was hoping the kids would stop him doing anything stupid”… I also felt this way at first when my ex was (unbeknown to me faking) suicide and depression… but it isn’t your children’s job to keep him alive or to not hurt himself, he is a grown a*s adult and is responsible for himself.
HFH ❤️
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