Sulking

[redthirteen]

I live with my Ex and we have had many discussions about selling our house. He doesn’t want to, he says he doesn’t want to leave his family.
it all started with him ending our relationship (timeframe removed by Moderator) ago. I said he needed mental health help and it’s only now he’s doing something about it as I went to the doctor and told his doctor about the things he’s said to me. Such a ‘not being here’ although I know he won’t take his prescription properly.

I feel like he’s blaming me and says things like ‘(quote removed by Moderator)’ he’s also said that I would be ruining all of our lives if we separate . He says ‘(quote removed by Moderator)’

I know in my heart I tried to make him go to get help multiple times and said counselling would help but he always said he didn’t need it and that it wouldn’t help.
He won’t take our children out by himself simply because he says he doesn’t want to be with them by himself-so sometimes I go out with him just so our children don’t miss out but I honestly can’t stand being with him because a lot of the times he just sulks and follows me around. He doesn’t do a lot for them and wont even make them breakfast because he just doesn’t ever offer.
I honestly feel bad but I cannot be around the man anymore he’s brought me down for so long. (detail removed by Moderator).

what do I do? I don’t want to upset our children once I say we have to move which is still a long way off. He’s making me feel like this is all my fault but the way he’s treated me the last (timeframe removed by Moderator) has been horrendous in my eyes.

[redthirteen]

To add-there are more reasons behind the split which he gave me at the time. I pleaded with him to not split up and he dragged it out for so long. Not getting help and not helping much at all with our children, I came to terms that we had separated and needed to sort our living situation out which I had planned and only recently he’s changed his mind on all of this. Telling me these things I’ve mentioned. I cannot even begin to think of re-conciliation. He can come and go when he pleases as he knows I’m always the one to look after our children. Even (timeframe removed by Moderator) I said why don’t you take our children to the park and he said no he doesn’t want to. (detail removed by Moderator). He asks me why I’m so moody with him all the time and I just say because you don’t do anything with the children? It’s like because I’ve asked him -he doesn’t want to do what I say?
I’ve asked his mum for help with him and she says she’s tried to talk to him-and sometimes I repeat things he’s said to me and she says ‘just ignore him’ I’m so stuck.

[Lisa]

Hi redthirteen,

Thank you for sharing with us. I hope it has helped to post here about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing to others who may have experienced similar. It is common for abusive people to turn things around to blame the other person to shift any responsibility- you haven’t done anything to cause his behaviour.

Do reach out to our Live Chat service if you feel it would help to discuss your situation with a Women’s Aid worker. The Live Chat service is currently open 10am-4pm Monday to Friday via this link.

Keep posting when you can, there is support here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[redthirteen]

Thank you for your reply.

I will definitely try and use the chat if I can get the time.
I feel like he’s just scaring me into staying with him by saying I will be ruining all of our lives. And the children won’t have anything nice and won’t be able to go on holidays. I work so I earn my own money and have always been fine.
A few times we have come to an agreement about selling but then once we have an argument he ends it with walking off and saying ‘(quote removed by Moderator)’

He has said if we sell that I have to do it all and he wants no part in it. He said if we sell he won’t ever see our children again and that he is going to go part time, I have said ‘well we can have our children 50/50’ and he said no.

He’s constantly saying things like this but then the next day asks me why I’m moody! It’s so frustrating.

 

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I can relate to what you’re saying about someone finishing the relationship and then, in practice, changing their mind about that. I believe, from reading the posts on this forum, that this happens very very often. I think it’s because they have no intention of ending the relationship, it’s just about getting power over us, getting us in line so that we’ll do what they want, punishing us for some imagined slight or misbehavior or enjoying upsetting us and seeing how that ruins our ability to do positive things for ourselves in our own lives ( apply for that better job, do a course, be fully focused on our chikdrens lives, get good at a new hobby, whatever it may be) and instead keep all our attention and time used up focusing on them. Sometimes they just want to see us upset, for whatever reason.
At the moment he has the best of both worlds. He doesn’t have the struggle of paying his own way and looking after himself and paying for child support. He has social acceptance that ‘he’s ok’ and in a couple etc.

If it’s also ‘working’ for you too ( ie cheaper housing costs etc) then these are all things to consider. But you do need to weigh up all these things as calmly and cooly as you can and try and separate out the emotional abuse about the children etc. If he chooses to abuse them, after the relationship breaks up, by not seeing them, then that is his choice and his abuse, not yours.

Last but not least, it sounds like a very stressful situation for both you, and ultimately your children too. That also needs to be taken into account. Do you want to live that way?

If you had the choice, what would you really wish that you could do?

[EvenSerpentsShine]

P.S. from what you say, he is calling ALL the shots. You want 50/50 childcare (quite rightly) and he says “no”.
It’s not all about what he wants, (although he’s certainly manipulating the situation to make sure it IS all about what he wants).
I noticed the same with my ex before we split up. He’s all about his needs and wants 100%. I’m about “our” needs 90% and my own needs 10%.  I’m no mathematician, but anyone can see from that equation that I’m going to end up with a lot less than him of my needs and wants being met.

To balance it out I had to get to where he was, which is being concerned 100% with my own needs and wants. In this way there was a chance I could get half of what I wanted.

This is really tough to do. Most nice people worry about fairness and what others want. But if you’re being a nice person when you’re dealing with someone who isn’t playing that game, you’ll end up losing out.

Its a hard place to get to.
They have probably chosen us because we’re nice. Because we put other peoples needs first. Because we’re not selfish and greedy. Because we’re able to compromise. Because we’re fair.

 

[redthirteen]

Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate it so much. If I had my wish he would agree to me buying him out which I can afford. Which is what he offered in the first place. Then he took that option away again. Then he said to sell. I definitely want to sell now as I cannot live like this anymore. And now he keeps saying his does not agree and won’t sell.

I asked him to take our children out (timeframe removed by Moderator) so I could paint some walls in the house because he has refused to help with that, but in stead he said no and sat in the garden all day and then had a long nap in the house whilst I tried to entertain my children and get the house ready for a valuation (at some point when I get the nerve to book one)

he has said again he will never have put children by himself so refuses to take them out.

im so lost now, it looks like legally the only way is mediation? He’s shouted at me and my youngest (timeframe removed by Moderator) because she won’t let him to do anything for her e.g bath and bedtime. It’s so horrible, then he leaves the house and messages me things about how he won’t sell and we need to make this work. I’m so done.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I understand  how stuck you feel. I have felt in a similar situation. If I’ve heard “we just need to work on our relationship “ once I’ve heard it a million times. It means, you just have to put up with whatever I decide to throw at you, (what’s happened before, and a lot worse to come), for the rest of your life.

You may find that you have more leverage than you think.

Some legal advice wouldn’t go amiss maybe, just things such as whether you can actually force a sale through. I believe that you can, especially as part of a divorce settlement if you’re married, but I’m no expert. You could start to research it. There are lawyers around who work specifically  in situations of domestic abuse. You may be able to find out quite a lot for free on websites or through your local domestic abuse organization.

If that is the case,  then that is what you need to start pursuing. It may take ages so start it soon, you can always back out if you change your mind, it’s not cast in stone.

If you can force the sale through, then I believe there would be absolutely nothing to stop you making an offer and purchasing his half of the house. You have as much right as anyone surely? But, someone will be able to answer these questions for you.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ps. I hope I don’t sound like I’m being to hard and cynical in relation to your partner/husband, but, it seems to me that you’ve tried over and over to be reasonable and amicable about this,  and his behaviour in return has been incredibly disrespectful. He’s gone back on things he’s agreed to, broken promises, been dishonest about letting you know where he stands and showing you no consideration about how to plan for your future or move forward after HE ended the relationship. My feeling is that he feels he can behave how he likes and “what are you going to do about it?”. I get the feeling, from his Mum’s reaction, that he does this to others too if he thinks he can. What does “just ignore him” really mean if not,” just let him get away with it.”?

[redthirteen]

No absolutely I appreciate any reply from you. Thank you. He has said some really terrible things that I can’t list, but the main thing is that I don’t want to be with him anymore and he won’t let me go? (Even though he’s made no changes) We aren’t married. I have seen a broker since and got all the information I need to do regarding selling and buying.
I have contacted his mother and asked that she goes out with him and our children and he reluctantly (timeframe removed by Moderator). He was literally huffing and puffing getting ready to leave and he says what’s the point?

im just trying to clean the house and do something maintenance because hes refusing to. He had a day off (timeframe removed by Moderator) though to go to spa day with his friends.

In regards to our children, when do you have the conversation about mummy and daddy not being together? Do you hide it until the very end? He doesn’t stay here most nights. It’s so difficult trying to be happy around them when he’s here.

[Author]

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