Super high anxiety but need to find a job to break free of the cycle

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I’ve posted on here in the past mostly about my abusive relationship but since leaving him I realised that the reason I didn’t recognise his behaviour as abusive was because it was familiar to me from my family, mainly emotional abuse. This was a terrible, shocking and painful realisation because my whole life I always thought I was one of the ‘lucky people’ who came from a ‘good family’ and had no idea certain things they did were abusive and it was just my norm. Unlike the acceptance I reached about my ex fairly quickly, the past few years I feel like I’ve been on this see-saw where I see my mother as emotionally abusive then other times I feel like I got her wrong and that she is really kind and supportive (this is how I want to see her as anything else is extremely painful and frightening). I think it’s because when I try to branch out and become independent from them then have some kind of setback, I feel like I can’t cope and I reach out to my mum and she always seems really kind and supportive like helping me out financially or with housework, buying me things etc. I feel confused about her because I don’t want to think she’s this horrible awful person but I also recognise that our relationship is kind of oppressive and co-dependent and it makes me feel depressed.

The trouble is, with this support also comes an oppressive feeling of control, high fear and anxiety and like I’m incapable and will always need her despite being well into adulthood. Sometimes I feel so grateful for her but I’ve been reading again about abuse dynamics and I think that unfortunately my family have kind of set me up to not have the skills I need to survive independently so I always need rescuing, and then they get to look magnanimous and saintly and have control over me. I feel really guilty writing this on here and still confused about it but I think unfortunately this is happening and I’m not imagining it. Further evidence is that after being supportive, they are often patronising, talk over me, don’t listen to me, sometimes they mock me. They monitor my social media and are in regular contact and expect me to meet them regularly which makes me feel anxious. When I used to see my parents and my brother together my brother would always make me the butt of jokes, mock and mimic me and they’d always laugh and side with him, and look at me disapprovingly if I was upset about this behaviour, so I always felt like this bad ungrateful child. When I lived with them my mum tried to stop me from doing housework, from working and from going to certain places and I had to challenge this a lot. I felt like this overgrown teenager. My mum was quite cold and cruel growing up and she seems to lack empathy but her personality and behaviour confuses me a lot because other times she seems like she really cares and listens. It makes me feel sick to think this could be an act and I go into denial about that as it’s too awful to contemplate.

I now feel like an adult child. I won’t go into details but I feel like they lulled me into this false sense of security then did something sudden and shocking which caused me a period of incredible anxiety and now I’m in this precarious situation where I’m still financially dependent on them and don’t have a job. I need to find a job again but feel so daunted by the task. I applied to several jobs last year but didn’t hear back despite a lot of past work experience.

I had a good counsellor who was helping me understand the dynamic but I was only offered a limited amount of sessions so since I stopped seeing her I’ve gone back to seeing my family more and feel sort of trapped in the dynamic again. I have no other emotional support apart from my mother which also makes it really hard because sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy and just want to tell someone about things that have happened that day. I do ring Samaritans but feel like I ring them too much and really just need some friends, but during my recovery from domestic abuse I realised I had a lot of narc friends who were putting me down and criticising me so I had to go NC with most friends too.

There are a couple of organisations where I would like to work so I’m going to update my CV and contact them. I guess I’m just looking for some support. I always feel hopeful when I read on here about women who found jobs after abuse because it means I can do it too. I’ve had trouble holding down work in the past for health reasons so I’m terrified of that happening again but also know it’s my only way forward if I want to be independent and not in this frightening and precarious situation.

Sorry if this was a bit incoherent, sometimes I feel so anxious about this it’s like there is a weight on my chest and it’s hard to breathe. But I know I can’t keep denying my reality and need to take steps to break free of the dynamic and support myself. Thanks for listening and for any support and advice.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi SunshineRainFlower

It sounds like you are finding yourself in a difficult situation being financially dependent of your family and I understand your wish to break free from it.
You do have options to change your situation; you can apply to get on social benefits and you can go grey rock with your family especially your mother.
You know what grey rock means don’t you? Not being involved emotionally with them, just politeness and more boring than an excel sheet.

For emotional support you come on here and call the samaritans.
Samaritans are here to listen to you, to us, and believe me they will be happier to hear you talk every single day than thinking you aren’t doing well but won’t call them.
They are here for us, to listen to us, try not to feel guilty if you can, you won’t call them all your life, just now, to get you move pass this difficult phase, they will very happy to know they could help someone. That’s what they’re here for.

You sound enthusiastic about getting a job, it might do you good and like you said, other people’s experience and success on here show us we are all able to reach the same.
You do enjoy spending time with elderly people knitting; would you see yourself working with elderly people? A care job can be available part-time and can be quite rewarding…

You will be able to break free of your situation, it’s the only way forward and you’ll have a magnificent life with all your wishes coming true.
Big hug and keep posting

[Tiffany]

My ex used my health problems to try and undermine my belief in my ability to work. I worked from home for years and that “wasn’t a real job” because I wasn’t going out to work – so then I was expected to do all the housework too, which I couldn’t manage because I was working… Then I got a job outside the house which my ex absolutely hated because I had new friends. So then I clearly wasn’t coping with work because I wasn’t managing to do all the housework when I got home. Even at the time I could see that this was nonsense, but it still massively undermined my confidence in my ability to work. And then I had to quit my job when I escaped the abuse.

For me getting a new job was definitely a useful thing for rebuilding my confidence. I guess based on my experience I would probably start back in a job which is way beneath your actual ability level in a friendly work place – that’s how I started back into work. Actually I started just doing a couple of weeks cover at an old job. And when that was ok I got a job three days a week doing a really menial job. And only then did I get a job I actually wanted. I think that took the pressure off to be perfect at my new job – it didn’t matter if I screwed up, I was only a cleaner/waitress/shelf stacker. And once I was confident that I was a good worker who my colleagues liked then that built my confidence to work. I think if I had gone straight in to my current job which can be really very stressful, that would have really undermined my confidence. It’s ok to build yourself up slowly.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi ladies thanks for your help. I think grey rock is a good idea Hopelifejoy thank you. I came to terms with the fact that my brother is n**********c a while ago and am virtually NC with him. He’s quite similar to my abusive ex and was the most overt in his abuse. I feel more at peace since not seeing him as he was so cruel to me the past few years of contact. Although it is tough because I used to consider him a friend and sometimes he was fun to be around.

I also have accepted what my father is like and don’t expect emotional support from him. It just hurts so much thinking my mother is the same and unlike them she is much more confusing.

I agree it’s a good idea to start of small with jobs and not take on too much or go in at a high level as that just sets us up to fail. I know it has to be part time. I’m not sure about care work as I’m more of a task person than a people person but if it was just having a chat over tea with an old person I’d be good at that! I wouldn’t want to do any personal/body care but maybe there are different types. I’ll look into it, thank you.

I’m updating my CV this week so should be able to do my 1st application of the year very soon. I’ll report back on my progress. Thanks both for your support.

SunshineRainflower

[Fudgecake]

Hi Sunshinerainflower,

There are some nice CV templates on internet that you can use to modernise your cv and also if you google cover letters for job titles you can get some good examples to use/modify.

Good luck with the job search. Keep going and soon you’ll find the right one.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you Fudgecake. I went on a job/CV course recently which made me realise my CV needed changing (it’s currently chronological but for me skills based would be better due to a lot of time out of work) so I’m going to change it to be skills based this week. I found some templates last night too for the area of work that interests me most to give me an idea of what type of CVs work best in that sector. I hope employers at least start replying because it’s tough applying for things then not hearing back even if it’s just a ‘no sorry.’

I will keep going and not give up, thanks all for your support.

[Tiffany]

I have worked in care and although I would agree that it is one of the easiest types of jobs to pick up, it can also be massively stressful. I think probably the least stressful job I have ever done (and it is one that is also often part time and easy to pick up) is cleaning. Everything from offices to schools to hotels to supermarkets needs regularly cleaned. The timescales for doing jobs is generally reasonable because no one expects cleaners to work overtime – if you don’t give them long enough to clean, your building won’t be clean, and it doesn’t involve much human interaction, which can be stressful. Just make sure you have a nice boss.

I know you are also a keen gardener, they are harder jobs to get – fewer going, and more people want them, but you could maybe have a look at that area too?

There are also often part time jobs going at schools – from lollypop ladies to dinner ladies, janitors and classroom assistants. If you like kids that might be a fun route. They have shorter days and often have part time roles too. The local council job site is often worth a browse.

Good luck.

[HopeLifeJoy]

You go girl!
Maybe you were already informed in your CV course about it but here it is anyway just in case they omitted to mention it;
All (almost) recruiting agencies are using a recruitment software called ATS standing for Application Tracking Software.
Therefore keywords and format of CV’s are of outmost importance when creating or re-structuring a CV.
The ATS is using pdf or doc(x) format.
Use keywords found in job descriptions and position title since hiring manager use exactly those words when searching their database for a match.

Remember that job-hunting is a full-time job so take breaks and chill in between ☺️

Wishing you the best of luck 🍀

[Author]

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