Support – Is it abuse? I’m drained.

[Sunnyfalconddream]

I have just recently left a (time frame removed by moderator) relationship that was healthy, during this time I was introduced to a man (detail removed by moderator) and found him funny and charming. We began speaking in (month removed by moderator), just messages a little bit flirty but nothing crossing a line. After an argument with my ex partner I ended up going to (initial removed by Moderator) house and it was a little awkward but we did kiss. (timeframe removed by Moderator) I saw him out and he was angry at me and said that I need to go home to my partner, it got a bit heated and drink was involved and then he blocked me on Facebook. (timeframe removed by Moderator) later he unblocked me and we began speaking again he apologised and said it was because he felt rejected. We continued speaking on and off throughout (detail removed by moderator) then he’d sometimes send me a message saying he told his brother everything (my current partner did not know we had kissed) so I assumed he meant this. When I asked him about it he didn’t respond for a few days then said he didn’t know why he said that and hadn’t. We then began speaking more regularly and met up and had a ‘night out’ where I stayed at his house, this happened on (number removed by Moderator) more occasions before I told my partner as I was sick of lying and felt guilt about everything (knowing I had messed up and hurt him – I know this was all my fault). Since then myself and (initial removed by Moderator) have started a relationship it was difficult from the start which I thought was down to my ex (had messaged him a quite threatening message) and because (initial removed by Moderator) said he had put a lot on the line for this relationship and that his family will not speak to him now because of me (detail removed by moderator) But I still felt guilty that I had almost dragged him into this. He frequently jokes and calls me a stupid woman or an idiot and whenever I get upset or say that it’s horrible to say he says I can’t take jokes. He has not been violent but one night at (location removed by Moderator) he got really angry and started punching the couch and did push me (he was angry at (relative removed by Moderator) who he was leaving a voicemail to). After he didn’t say sorry but explained he has a lot of issues and this time of year is hard for him (detail removed by moderator). We have had a few arguments which feel different to arguments I’ve had with partners before – name calling, threats to knock me out and his tone is very angry for things that I didn’t know were a big deal (me not being on time ringing or keeping him updated as much). (time frame removed by moderator) woke up at 2am to 2 voicemails and a message off him telling me he was going to commit suicide and hoped I would come to his funeral. (detail removed by moderator) I had to take the next day off work and we met up the next day. He said he doesn’t feel like that now and won’t do it again. I told him I wanted to be there and help him but that it was impacting my mental health now too (I haven’t been sleeping, having panic attacks and have contacted my GP). He doesn’t seem to respond when I say these things and prefers to change the subject, (timeframe removed by Moderator) I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He seemed to ignore me when I said that and said I was ridiculous and he’d see me on (timeframe removed by Moderator), (timeframe removed by Moderator) he’s rang me happy talking away not letting me really talk about what had happened. I’m hoping tonight on the phone we manage to talk but I just feel a bit stuck and lost, I do have feelings for him and I know that’s why I also find it hard to leave but I’m worried that things might just continue or even worse get harder and more unexpected. I feel like I can’t think about anything else.

[Lisa]

Hi Sunnyfalconddream,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing about your situation.

What you have described is abuse. Continuing to call you stupid and an idiot, even though you’ve made it clear this is upsetting for you, is not okay. He can’t claim it’s a joke when he knows you don’t like it. Punching a couch and pushing you are violent acts, this is physical abuse, and he’s also threatening violence in arguments. He sounds controlling and threats of suicide are a very common tactic that abusers use as part of their control. That he’s ignored you ending the relationship is also really controlling. Your worry that things will get worse if you stay is well-founded, abusers tend to escalate their behaviour over time and when they feel their control is threatened. One of the confusing things about domestic abuse is that it does come from someone that you have feelings for and, as you say, that can make it hard to leave. It’s understandable that your mental health is being affected. It’s really positive that you’ve contacted your GP and that you’re posting here, you deserve to have support.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 4pm Monday – Friday). They won’t tell you what to do but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You might also like to reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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