Support Please!!

[Sungirl]

Goodness I have such mixed emotions this evening. A friend (detail removed by moderator) called me as he had heard through my husband that we’re having problems. I didn’t use the word ‘abuse’ but I did describe some of husbands behaviours. The friend seemed quite surprised
and I don’t think really knew what to say. This then triggered me and my husband talking. He just went on about how he’s so sorry and all these reasons why he’s behaved as he has. Then he started to blame mental health which annoyed me. I told him some of the mean things he says, he said he couldn’t remember-he genuinely seemed surprised. But I just felt so angry. I ended up just being quiet whilst he gave me this whole splurge about himself. He said(detail removed by moderator). He’s playing super dad currently but generally the kids are wary of him, which he doesn’t pick up on. I’m completely emotionally detaching from him. I spent so many years challenging him and trying to get him to see things differently but what’s thy e point. He didn’t seem to show one bit of empathy toward me or the kids, despite me telling him previously how fed up I’ve been feeling. I’m so confused now what’s going on here???? Can he genuinely not remember stuff? And he keeps asking me to tell him what he needs to do and then when I do this he doesn’t accept it-replies with responses he thinks counteracts what I’ve said, or gets annoyed bump what I’ve suggested. I told him that you cant use mental health as an excuse for behaving as he does, he refuted this. Gosh this is exhausting

[Jedi warrior]

Hi can totally get what you’re going through ..and the frustration you will be feeling ..taken me years to see that I have been in an abusive marriage ..and husband ties me up in knots blaming his behaviour on work stress and must have been mentally ill ..says sorry a lot gaslights me uses emotional abuse ..controlling behaviour its good you’re now seeing your situation for what it is clarity validation I got from councilling and I have emotionally detached now ..and separated ..I’m aks reading a book by lundy bancroft inside the minds of angry controlling men follow your gut feelings

[Sungirl]

Thanks Jedi Warrior. Yes I can see these behaviours much clearer now but I’m worried about how he’ll respond, he’s so good at making excuses for everything and twisting things around, it’s driving me crazy. I’m worried I’ll start to doubt myself again. We had a couples counselling session (detail removed by moderator) and he just said ALL the right things and was so apologetic and saying he wants to change. Lundy has a great section in one of his books about what is required to change, and he can even get past step 1, so I’m just feeling like there’s no chance

[Jedi warrior]

Yes I have doubted myself many times too that’s the effect their behaviour is meant to have on us couples councilling is not a good idea in these situations I went to relate on my own first and luckily had an experienced councillor who validated abuse and would not engage with my husband as can make abuse worse ..reach out to organisations and women’s aid

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