Support please, hard to articulate

[gemgirl]

Heya, I don’t wanna go into the whole story of my relationship, but yeah I’m just feeling really down about it today. I left an emotionally abusive relationship some time (detail removed by moderator), and have been single since then albeit having random flings or hook-ups with guys in a very casual manner.

I have been on meds for depression for a few years, it used to be worse than it is now but sometimes it still feels quite unmanageable. I think that it was easy for me to get sucked into my ex’s narrative and controlling patterns because at first he seemed really understanding about my mental health and supportive. However I feel like over time he used knowledge of my mental health issues as a further way of manipulating me and making me feel dependent on him. I do okay most of the time and am blessed with a good support system but I feel like when my depression gets triggered by other things (stress at work, lack of sleep, life changes) it also brings some of the trauma from the relationship into more focus and I feel like I’m still being impacted by the way he treated me, which then makes me feel weak as we weren’t together that long and he wasn’t physically or financially abusive (sexually is a grey area in this case I think).

Last night I had a nightmare that he had threatened to kill me, and I was desperately trying to hide from him. Today, I feel really, really sad about it. Keep trying to remind myself that it’s just a dream and I’m safe, but it’s too closely interlinked with real things that he said that made me feel unsafe. Underneath the sadness I’m also angry, because I know that I’m a loving and generous person who deserves to be treated well (obviously no relationship is perfect but certainly I did not deserve his abuse) and this has affected how confident I feel to go into a new relationship or to trust other men. I have had a lot of trouble with sleep over the years and I know that getting insufficient sleep makes me more low and anxious, but when I have nightmares about him it makes me not want to sleep either.

I know nobody on this forum can actually make this better, and I’m planning to do some relaxing activities today as it’s a Sunday that can reconnect me with my peace and power. I haven’t used this forum much since I joined but I could really use some moral support today and also if anyone has tips for sleep and relaxation then that would be wonderful 🙂

[Hereforhelp]

Hello Gemgirl, you are right, you didn’t deserve his abuse… I hope you have support with professionals/GP’s to help you overcome hus abuse.and how that has affected your mental health. My husband of many many years convinced me that I was mad, I went to see psychiatrists, hospitals for so long that I believed I actually was mad, until a dear friend pointed out that I wasn’t mad at all.and my husband was being very abusive.. I didn’t know and I didn’t have the self worth back then to stand up for myself.
You have done so well,.I.can hear how.you push forward even when you feel like you can’t and well done for reaching out on here ❤️
I walk my dog to relax, I blast positive songs via headphones (currently I love Flowers by Miley). I had a small bath this morning with a lovely bath oil a friend bought me to help me relax and that does help.
Big hugs ❤️ HFH

[gemgirl]

Hey HFH, thanks very much for replying to my post. I’m so sorry to hear what you went through in your relationship, and glad that you’re out of that situation now. The whole dynamic of gaslighting is so awful and can completely erode how you feel about yourself! I’m glad that your friends were looking out for you 🙂 Mine have also helped me a lot to manage with this whole situation. I don’t really have regular therapy at the moment cause I was using a private therapist which costs a lot but I might see if I can get counselling via a charity or something cause I’d love to be able to talk through the feelings with a trusted professional on a regular basis.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi gemgirl

I’m so sorry for your suffering, and the trauma this is still bringing to you. I know the feeling of not wanting to sleep for fear of the terrifying dreams. There is much you can do to help yourself feel safe when you wake terrified at night, but they aren’t things I can tell you because what I might find helps might not be useful to you. I have had to sleep with lights on, for instance, or background sounds/music on quiet to help me focus on to distract. Anything to make you realise instantly where you are when you wake, and then whatever distractions you need around you to take your mind off the dream. If you can read, or listen to an audio story, make sure your room feels real safe with items around that have reasurring and comforting associations for you. It could be a picture of someone, family/friend, or a cosy heavy blanket, a special cuddly bear/animal. As I say, whatever helps you, but make your room as friendly and safe as possible.

You’re doing the right things and I hope your efforts today have helped with you feeling more upset today. Your dream broke my last night dream also, very similar.

It does sound that although you say you feel weak because it wasn’t ‘physical’, etc, and it wasn’t for long, its very clear that its had a massive trauma on you, and that it doesn’t have to be physical or for long, for that to happen. This is something that I do believe many of us do, that it ‘wasn’t that bad for me’ syndrome. You said how he said things that made you feel under threat, unsafe. Feeling unsafe is the same to us all, no matter what activates that feeling. If someone holds a gun to your head, you feel the fear of that possible harm whether or not they pull the trigger. Verbally threatening someone makes them aware there is a very real threat to their security, hence your dream.

When you think about this what is your level of risk now do you feel? Are you safe now? If you are safe now, then getting some therapy could be really useful if you find the right therapist, and that means financially too. There’s a link to a therapy resource on the ‘signposting & support’ optio on the menu which might be useful.

My last night’s dream is keeping me up tonight with anxiety not wanting to sleep for fear of revisiting it, or something worse.

If it helps, do keep posting here and talking through what you need as it can help you process. Brilliant to have good supports around you in the forms of friends and family, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they understand or can relate to what you’ve been through or are experiencing now. If so, having this resource here may help too.

warmest wishes

ts

[StrongLife]

That post sound similar to some of the things I experienced. Especially using past experiences against you.

I enjoy socialising and going out and similar (initially hard to do this as I had a lot of fear of being “found”)

[Author]

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