Surviving

[Lillies]

Hi, so I finally after many years managed to get out and end the years of a living nightmare. I now see how I let my abuser put me and my child through years of eggshells and abuse – yes I am finally coming around to admitting it which believe me has been embarrassing but necessary for me to begin to heal.
Now I see things clearer and we are slowly healing and surviving. We basically live the same life as we used to but without the eggshells of him returning and being scared of what would happen next depending on his mood. We are lot more adventurous and heading in the right direction and on the very odd occasion I forget what we have been through and seem to live finally a normal life!

Has anyone ever had an issue regarding their child’s surname though? It’s something that really upsets my child and they want to change it but their dad won’t give consent. As far as I know to change it you need both parents with parental responsibility even if they don’t see them. Is there anything else I can do to help stop the distress of this please?

Thank you.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Well done on taking your life back! Hope you continue to heal and move forward into a lovely life.

Dobt know about name thing for a child, but when they’re adult they can change their name to anything they like I believe. I have known some people who’ve done it, by DeePol, that’s how it sounds, don’t know if it’s spelled that way! Also if you get divorced you can go back to using your maiden name, maybe your child can too?

Otherwise how about just using a different name ‘unofficially’, so making your surname double barreled by adding your maiden name into the end (this may be something you could fo?) and then sliding the husbands name into almost being a middle name? It’s still officially there but no one uses it.

[Lillies]

Thank you for your response. I hope I’m getting my life back but the tight chest pains makes me think sometimes I’m just still surviving and masking the pain. I know I’m definitely happier now but after how long are you healed and stop having nightmares etc and maybe start to feel some sort of self worth?!

I think in time I will have no option but to get support for the name change due to the upset it causes but it is just so hard when the ex is unfortunately fighting it. I have suggested the barrelled name and even talked about how a name doesn’t define you as a person but they are set on it.

[Marmalade]

Hi, name changes are difficult as you already know. It sounds like you’ve already had some advice as you are right that as he has parental responsibility he needs to consent unless you get a court order. It’s not really possible to change name informally as the correct name needs to be used for everything official like school, medical etc . Also although you can change your name back to your maiden name on divorce, it’s not the same for a child.

Please see a solicitor so that you are clear about what would happen if you applied to the court for a name change. They can advise you. I think court ordered name changes are not particularly common but it will depend on the individual circumstances of your situation. See a solicitor who does family law. Some would offer the first 30 minutes free so make best use of that time.
Good luck.

[Lisa]

Hi Lillies,

The information on changing a child’s surname from Coram’s Child Law Advice website might be useful as a starting point. You can also contact them by phone or webchat and they have a bookable call back service (which is charged for but less than speaking with a solicitor without legal aid) for more in depth advice.

Best wishes,
Lisa

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