Survivor guilt; feeling isolated, worthless.

[Lilypink]

I finally left my marriage, after my husband physically assaulted me in front of our child. (detail removed by moderator) and rather than feeling a sense of justice, all I feel is guilt and remorse, that somehow I’ve ruined everyone’s lives who’ve been affected by this; that sometimes I feel staying in it would have been better than all the pain that comes in the aftermath. I find myself still yearning for a sign from him that he still feels something for me, despite the fact that he’s shown no real remorse for what he’s done & has cut me off from his family & made out like I’m the crazy, deranged one, because I refused him contact with our child. The whole process is soul destroying. Where a woman should feel empowered and liberated, I feel exactly the opposite, lonely, isolated, rejected, dejected. It’s made wise when my little one talks about how much she misses her paternal side of the family & I fixate on the fact that she’ll spend time with them when they showed zero compassion or concern for me in my darkest moments; that these were ppl that I cared about too & then they just cut me off. It just all adds to the loneliness and pain and I don’t know how it will get better because life feels like a constant divide….

[diymum@1]

youve done the right thing though, it might not feel like it right now but your child will have a better life with some who is being abuse to you infront of them. it shows your child what a strong woman you are to have gotten this far, as its not easy at all to get out of this situation. when kids see this it changes them they become anxious and sometimes really angry – my daughter was having panic attacks because of what she was witnessing. it dosent feel like youve done the right thing but in time youll realise there is a better way forward. cut yourself some slack because this is the healing process and it hurts (the same but at first for quite a high intensity) its change and loss and thats always hard. as time goes by new people will come into your life and i hope they treat you well. you totally deserve that – can you attend a support group with womens aid? x*x love diymum

[Fudgecake]

Hello Lilypink,
Sending you positive thoughts and hugs. Leaving was a very brave thing to do and even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, it was the best desicion for you and your child. You should not feel guilty ever. You did not ask to be abused and it was entirely him who did this. Right now you will feel alone and low. This is a natural response and it’s best to get as much support as you can from your GP and WA. Keep posting here for support too.
Try and take small steps on the road to recovery. It wise take time and be kind to yourself x

[Starla]

Hello Lilypink
I’m afraid I have no advice but I feel very much the same as you at the moment. I’ve been cut off from his family too. Feeling very alone and pretty much stuck at rock bottom tbh, like I’m being gradually shattered. I hope things improve for you soon xx

[Lilypink]

Thanks for all your messages of support, encouragement and how to try and stay strong through these testing times. I need the reminders of why I left in the first place..it’s so easy to get caught up in the emotions of what comes afterwards, you forget what forced you to move to a safer environment.

I’m due to attend a women’s support group soon, so I hope that will help with the healing process process and realising that it was never going to get better and that I’ve made the right choice for my daughter, whatever I’ve forfeited in terms of leaving this relationship, I’m trying to remember that the gains will be bigger for me in the long run. Baby steps though, as you’ve rightly said.

Starla…I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through something similar & hope you’re gathering strength day to day, to get through this difficult time. Bug hugs xx

[fizzylem]

The constant divide is hard to manage for sure – not alot we can do about that though is there – if we let them in we’re saying this behaviour is ok; genuine remorse has to come from them, little suprise it rarely if ever does.

Guilt and remorse belong to someone who feels they did wrong; likely brought on because you feel on some level you had a part to play in the breaking up of the family? This is not true of course, you sound as though you’re now thinking you had a choice re how to respond afterwards, only you didn’t did you, there was no choice after this happened, the best and only option you had was to draw a line, put an end to it, make sure it never happens again. Had you not it would have only gone from bad to worse, some women live with this for years – you have been brave and wise, done what is right for both your child and you.

This is the ONLY way to deal with behaviour like this, we can’t change him or the past, all we can do is deal with it appropriately. His actions alone destroyed your relationship and the trust, broke up the family, traumatised your child and now in the aftermath, he has made things difficult for the both of you with his family.

When a relationship ends usually both parties are equally responsible, but this is not the case when there is abuse. Had things gone the way you wanted, hoped for, he would have loved, cherished, respected and protected you and his family.

He has alientated you from his family; he has said these things to try and save face, play the victim, smell of roses. You know the truth of what happened. It is very sad that it has turned out this way, sad for you and your child; just because he can’t admit to his family his behaviour was dreadful and unacceptable.

It takes time to heal, come to terms with what happened, make sense of it all, grieve for the losses, but you will overcome it one day. Work out now how you’d like life to be and keep chipping away step at a time x

[Lilypink]

Yes you’re right..it’s about envisioning the life ahead now & taking the small steps to achieve it. Heard something on the TV that resonated with me that we have to remember..once it’s all done and we’ve broken away, that our life stories are on a new path, separate from the life we left and it’s about making new, position memories. Am trying to keep that at the forefront of my mind, when things get tough!

[KIP.]

C S Lewis said something like ‘you can’t go back and change the beginning but you can start from where you are and change the ending’. Keep going to a better life x

[Lilypink]

That’s spot on.. absolutely..just have to keep reminding ourselves of that. Moving forward, hopeful for more positivity in our lives, rather than using up our mental energy in the ‘could have been, might of been.’

[Fudgecake]

Hello Lillypink,
I haven’t posted much on here recently because of feeling isolated and uncertain of what the future will bring. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t frightened. I’m quite depressed atm whilst frantically looking for jobs (I was stopped from working). Still I’d rather an uncertain future than the one I knew I’d have if I had stayed…that of being controlled, humiliated and isolated from my family and not allowed to see/speak to my kid. I have no friends atm because I was made to lose touch with them. My family have been supportive though but I don’t like to burden them so try to keep cheery around them. They don’t understand what a huge effort it is atm for me to socialise. I feel like Sammety Sam off Looney Tunes who goes around boarding up all the windows and doors. Heh at least I can laugh at myself. What a mess…
I’ve had passing crazy thoughts of contacting the ex but as fizzylem says “if we let them in we’re saying this behaviour is ok; genuine remorse has to come from them, little suprise it rarely if ever does.” I know I’d pay a trillion times over for having the audacity to have left.
Sorry this is such a downer post but hopefully my antidepressants are kicking in…
I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I had to make the choice to leave again…I would.
Take care and be kind to yourself xx

P.S. On a positive note, all the weight I gained comfort eating whilst being abused is now dropping off. Every cloud has a silver lining…

[Lilypink]

Hi Fudgecake,

I hope the feelings of being frightening have eased slightly? But I can totally understand the anxiety and panic that comes with leaving…I felt the same, but over time its getting better. Definitely try and reconnect with people you were close to at one point. It’s important to have a couple of people that you can just meet for a coffee & talk, even cry…let it out. Are you having therapy? I feel it’s invaluable to just cope with the pain & trauma of what we’ve been through. Yes.. with family sometimes you have to sometimes keep the emotions in check. In my case I know it’s taken a real toll on my parents mentally but they just keep going & try to be strong for my sake & my child. Even in the aftermath of me leaving and them giving me sanctuary, he has shown very little regret towards them, towards me…no remorse. Going through the legalities of it all, also makes us feel so exposed & even though I seem to have the upper hand, he’ll make me second guess myself or twist and deny the controlling behaviour and arrogance
even though it’s blatantly obvious that he’s still trying to break me down .. frustrating but trying to rise above it & not let it get me down, even though it’s easier said than done. I’ve started going to a support group. Have you tried this? Might help to alleviate feelings of isolation & help you to take those steps to get out and be around other ppl who’ve been through v similar situations..this forum can show you already that you’re not alone. Big hugs xx

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