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I am having my first appointment but I have no idea what to say. My life and issues seem so lame especially when I finally spoke to my gp. The appointment is about finding out what I hope to achieve and what I want but depending on the day I am never sure.
I know I am really unhappy but then I think that’s because I am suddenly so guarded and not letting myself believe in anything especially with him.
He promises change but still hasn’t spoken to our youngest who has had to move home. It wasn’t a choice to move home because of the situation with him. He hasn’t spoken to her for (detail removed by moderator) no matter how much she has tried to make things right.
He will argue he hasn’t seen her but the day she arrived home he didn’t say anything.
Will the counselling help? Never had it before. I found talking to my gp hard work and the lady from our local support group but I found the questions asked got me too emotional. -
Hi Catjam,
With the right counsellor it will be life changing for you. It’s time for just you. My first session I just cried. Even just taking an hour a week for yourself to do that at first will be helpful. There’s no pressure on you to go in with a plan, and it takes time to build a rapport with your counsellor so dont feel you have to open up too quickly or talk about things you dont want to. You dictate the pace. At a first session they will just be getting to know you a little bit, explaining their approach and giving you a chance to meet them and start to get comfortable with a whole new experience.
They’ll have seen it all before so do try not worry about getting emotional. It is an emotional process so be gentle with yourself. You could well be exhausted afterwards, or have your head buzzing so try to clear you diary for the time after a session if you can at all.
Good luck and mind yourself, I hope you find it as helpful as I have x*x
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Oh I’m sorry to hear that Catjam, the nightmares are awful. They do pass as you begin to process the abuse. I would wake up simmering with rage at the injustice of my situation, how someone I loved and turned myself inside out for could treat me so cruelly. I didnt deserve it and neither do you.
It helps to look at the stages of grief as it can follow similar lines. And there is so much grief; for the man you loved who you realise never existed, the relationship you never dreamed would turn out like this, and most importantly for yourself. You didnt deserve this. No one deserves this.
You need to be kind to yourself now and treat yourself as you would a cherished friend. Try to eat regularly and get some fresh air. There are sleep meditations on youtube that might help to calm you even if sleep wont come. Make time every day to do(at least) one nice thing for yourself. Might be a bath, might be having a cuppa in bed, just something you enjoy. It’s all part of the healing process. You’re worth the effort xx
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Great news CJ, guess because if you grow in confidence you will feel good about yourself, believe in yourself, stop any self doubt and make sound choices; feeling indpendant as opposed to feeling stuck in a co dependant relationship, might mean you walk away as you feel ok to stand on your own with others for support instead – that you no longer feel you need him. Hope it goes well for you. Sometimes we strike lucky and find the right therapist, sometimes it takes seeing a few to find the best match, bear this in mind, if this doesn’t workout for you it’s not that therapy isn’t for you – it’s more that you have yet to meet the right match. FL.x
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Thank you. Its all a little daunting tbh. He seems to think its what we need to get us back as we were. Its made me angry that yet again instead of saying we both need help or that he admits what he has done he lays it all at my feet. I feel angry that he is throwing away decades because he doesn’t want to admit he has a problem. Not used to anger, not on this level anyway. I have always managed it or pushed it away and sat on it but its all consuming right now. I have stopped interacting with him as much because if i let it out heaven knows what will happen.
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You’re feeling anger for a very valid and justified reason; you’ve been abused and he won’t even recognise or admit to it and take any responsibility for it.
There is not point to seek his confession; he’ll never offer it, he’d rather live in denial, it helps him to remain unchanged, to make no efforts.My mother gave me the best advice on how to deal with anger; use it to move forward with your life.
Use it to your benefit. Anger has enormous energetic potential. Take action in various areas of your life which need to be dealt with. Redirect your anger towards productive outlets. Physical exercise can be one.
Set boundaries, ground rules to your anger; no harm to yourself or others when feeling anger.
And talk it out. That’s a very good outlet, when feelings are acknowledged they somehow get processed and leave your system. Eventually. -
First session was a little strange. lot of tears and feel exhausted. We seemed to get on ok, hard over the phone but I felt listened to if that makes sense. She didn’t offer any opinions except to challenge a few things.
She did ask what was the worst that could happen if I challenged him, I said I didn’t know that for so many years I haven’t because I was afraid of him and I didn’t want to be anymore.
She didn’t encourage me to challenge him, I think it was more to get me to think about it. There has been no physical violence in years but it was enough to get me to back down and not stand up for myself.
Heads a little mixed up now. Not in how I feel about him, more of am I scared of him anymore or am I strong enough to deal with whatever road I choose.
I have been warned this is the most dangerous time for us, when they know they are losing control but I have an emergency bag elsewhere and a second mobile phone if i need to get out quickly. But I don’t know whether I am being stupid or naive but I don’t believe he would physically hurt me now. I certainly don’t want to find out the hard way I was wrong. -
I can’t really say I am pleased with that question ‘what is the worst that can happen to you if you would confront him? ‘ i mean come on.
Just search for DA statistics.
Here something to give to her, please educate her even if you’re obviously not there for that;
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwalesoverview/november2020#latest-figures-for-the-coronavirus-covid-19-pandemicThe answer to her question couldn’t be more straight forward; DEATH! That’s the worst that can happen to you when challenging him.
Catjam, can you please stay in touch with Women’s Aid for any questions regarding safety? They will advise you.
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I don’t think she was saying challenge him, I think it was more to give me a kick up the arse about being complacent about his threat level if that makes sense.
She does work for my local Dv group.
Sorry I sound defensive and I really appreciate your concern. Maybe I misunderstood what she was trying to say. It was our first proper session and she was asking about previous events so I was telling her nothing had happened physically for years and years.
I will be careful though as he is clearly unraveling slightly as I am shutting down a little more each day.
He has a new illness or some new pain and is looking disheveled. -
Yes you’re right, it does make sense. Perhaps she asked you to assess and reflect which kind of danger you could be facing with him. This is probably how she meant it, especially if she is trained in DA, she is absolutely aware of safety measures.
I am sorry too, I got a bit heated, that question rubbed me the wrong way, I think I am the one who misunderstood it ☺️Him having a new illness is him seeking your attention, again, he wants all your focus on him.
You’re doing great talking about it all and going to counseling in the first place, it gives you the opportunity to see that there can be a life out there free of abuse, for yourself. 🙂
Keep safe okay 😘 -
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