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I am tired anyway and have had this on and off throughout. I am glad he is not living with us but both my children have the choice as to whether they see their dad or not. He managed to tick every box for abuse so he really was not a nice person but…it ultimately comes down to his need to control.
I just talked to my youngest (detail removed by Moderator) and she came out with the fact she should stay over because he spent such a lot of money making their bedrooms really nice and they are just being wasted. The words she used were in a way she never speaks – she basically parroted something she has been fed – which has to be him. I have reassured her that the only reason to stay over is if she wants to and that is a good thing – but there is no other reason – she should not stay over because he chose to spend money on bedroom furniture. He spent that money whilst they were still evaluating, teaching and monitoring him – before he knew he would be allowed to see them – even whilst I was still deciding whether to take things further with the police (I backed off as I did not see it was going to be a positive thing as he had backed off already)… They had no say in what he bought and it was done to impress social services – to portray a certain character – at least that is how my now-suspicious-of-him-mind sees it.
I hate that he tries to make them feel bad to make them do what he wants. My eldest is refusing to even speak to him at the moment. Although I have been very harsh on him here I do make sure I remain positive about him to them – just felt I could be a bit harsher on here as they will not see this.
Has anyone else been through this and have some advice? -
My advice is to do absolutely everything in your power to limit contact. Supervised contact at a contact centre where his interactions are monitored at best. He ticks every box as an abuser and is not a nice person, why would you want your children influenced by someone like that. Do not hid the truth from them about his behaviour. You need to explain abuse and equip them with the tools to cope. Contact your local women’s aid for support. Sounds like your eldest knows exactly what’s happening. You should also got zero contact with this man.use a third party for all contact. Abusers use Fear Obligation and Guilt. FOG. A fog of abuse. Obligating his child to visit by buying furniture. Children learn froM their parents and that behaviour is often passed onto the children and the cycle of abuse goes on in the next generation. I’d also report the abuse to the police. He may well do this to other women. He won’t change. Protect yourself and your children from him x
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I know I keep minimising everything – it has been a very long time – I am hoping by sharing more I will stop doing this – but equally I do not want to push too far the other way and be fair to them. It is only that the youngest had voiced not wanting to stay there – she has previously but no longer wants to – and it just concerns me the language she used and that she ‘should’ stay over because he had paid so much money to make a nice bedroom… he tried to work through her to get back in the house – told her he had to move – then when I asked him said that they were happy for him to stay there and there was no issue with the rental – he just wanted to move – thankfully I asked in front of the youngest so she heard and stopped asking if he could move back home as he needed somewhere to live…I am guessing that was his object…argh…I said it seemed one thing after another
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Sorry for being bitty – I am basically not very strong yet and the police did warn he would be good but equally I am not strong enough to not believe in the best… I am strong enough to not let him back in – I have made sure I have shared enough with some friends to keep me stronger… but I am still working on it
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It takes time to build strength but all those emotional mental abusive tactics he will use on the kids too. He’s been using coercive control on them already. Please go zero contact and let your kids know that it’s okay to cut abusers from your life. Abusers are liars. If social services asked him to leave there are major concerns there. Children from abusive homes are much more likely to be abused as adults so break this cycle. Contact women’s aid for support x it’s great you are spotting his controlling behaviour about the kids bedroom. He knows the way to get to you is through the kids x
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Thanks for asking such an important question, I n about the kids, my eldest has asked me to leave his Dad after recognising his abusive patterns and duplicate personality. I have been strong and resilient and been helping my son to deal and identity his behaviour mine has no interest in the kids apart from when we have visitors to act up. My eldest is so brokenhearted because his Dad is game computer addict, he hacked into all my stuff for years, forged my signature etc. I have kept record. But worried about contact for kids, he will also start a job as (detail removed by Moderator) can you believe he has put so much lies on his application cannot believe he will manipulating other (detail removed by Moderator). Sorry, maybe too many questions?
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I think it is the amount that the children know – and thus how much they have to deal with. There is that precondition that you are supposed to love your family… especially your parents. Alongside that we all want the best for people we know – and yet it seems they keep down this path which is not only negative to them but damaging to those around them. – and leave us all struggling. xx
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