Technology Ask Me Anything

[Marie]

Hi everyone,

Welcome to our Ask Me Anything session focused on technology and online safety. We hear more and more from survivors who are feeling unsafe and unable to reach out because of the ways their abusers are using technology. We’ll be online today between 10am and 12pm, posting and replying with tips and resources.

We wanted to create a space to explore a few ways that you can feel safer, but first, you need to know that it’s never your fault. While we might be discussing ways that you can limit their control, it is their choice to control. It’s often part of a wider pattern of isolating someone and regulating their behaviour. You are not to blame.

If you’re reading this on a device you’re worried may be being watched, please come back later on another device, we’ll keep an eye on this thread and keep responding even after today, your safety is the most important thing.

If you need to, don’t forget to use the exit site button. This will take you away from the forum and remove the last entry from your browser history.

Let us know your questions, and if you’d prefer to ask without your username, you can use this anonymous form.

Take care,
Marie
Digital team

[Stargazing1]

Have the questions got to be about technology?

[Lisa]

Hi Stargazing1,

For this session, the questions do need to be around technology and abuse as that’s what Marie is an expert on. You can still post elsewhere on the forum though, if you have other questions, or you could use our Live Chat service if you feel like you need some professional input.

Best wishes,
Lisa

[Marie]

“HELP! All devices tracked and read and stalked”

It can be so hard to know what to do when all of your devices are being watched, but there is help available. A safe device can be really important for you being able to contact other people without another person knowing and to access sites like Survivors’ Forum. Options for this could be a trusted person’s device, a computer at work, or a library.

When you’re ready, there are options to remove someone’s access to your device, but that depends on whether an abuser might still have access to the device or you, because if you’re living with someone or the abuse is ongoing, then they may be alerted to what’s happened and they may escalate the situation if they realise their access is being removed.

There are options around tracking and monitoring in our Cover Your Tracks Online guide, but with all of your devices being monitored, I’d really encourage you to reach out for support whenever you are feeling ready. Refuge has a dedicated technology-facilitated abuse team who can work with you to carry out a tech assessment and safety plan. Once you have access to a safe device, you can call the 24hr National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Freephone) on 0808 2000 247 and tell them your devices are being tracked, read and stalked and they’ll be able to talk you through next steps. Or if you’d prefer to reach out online, once you have access to a safe device, you can set up a new email account that you only access on devices that you’re sure aren’t being monitored. Then you can email on Tech_Abuse@refuge.org.uk to talk through what’s happening and how you can feel safe again.

Finally, thank you for reaching out through our anonymous online form, I know how much courage it must have taken to find your way to this forum and to ask for help, and I’m really glad you did.

Take care,
Marie
Digital team

[Stargazing1]

OK thanks @Lisa .

[Marie]

How can you tell if you’re experiencing tech abuse?

We wanted to talk a little bit about how you can know if this is happening. It’s really normal to know that something is wrong, or to think there’s something strange going on with your accounts, but not know what it is or how it’s happening. Some of the red flags you might experience include:

• They seem to know about conversations that you’ve had when they’ve not been present or other personal information you haven’t told them
• They turn up unexpectedly/know your whereabouts
• There’s unusual activity on your accounts like emails or messages being read, sent or deleted
• Being gifted a device by your partner that they set up or offer to “fix”
• Your device is running slowly, getting very warm or the battery is running out quickly
• They’re insisting on access to your devices and accounts (especially if you don’t have the same access to theirs)
• Becoming angry if you don’t immediately respond to messages

More of these signs are listed on Equation’s blog post on recognising tech abuse and the section on “How to tell if your device has been hacked” in our Cover Your Tracks Online guide.

In our tech abuse survey, more than a quarter of those who responded had experienced an abuser using smart devices to gaslight them (e.g. video doorbells, cameras, speakers and lighting you can control remotely), and this doesn’t only happen with smart devices. Gaslighting involves making you doubt your own sanity, making you think you’re remembering things wrong or that you’re misinterpreting things. This is a really common way to make survivors doubt themselves, but if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. If you’re not quite sure what’s happening, you can still reach out for support from your local service, as they may be able to help you work out what’s going on.

Is there anything in particular you’re experiencing with technology that’s concerning you?

[Marie]

What is intimate image abuse?

Intimate image abuse includes taking an intimate image or recording without you knowing or consenting, sharing intimate images without your consent or threatening to share these. All of these behaviours are against UK law. If someone has recorded you without you knowing and/or without your consent, if they’ve shared or threatened to share intimate images or videos of you, this is never your fault and this can happen to anyone. You did nothing wrong and there is support available for you.

You can reach out to the Revenge Porn Helpline through email or by phone, or you can send them an anonymous “Whisper” report. Their site has lots of information about what to expect when you get in touch with them, which hopefully can make that first step a little bit easier.

Their step by step guides can help you to collect evidence, find out if the images have been shared online, and if it has, reporting the content to be removed. They also have a tool called StopNCII which works with online platforms to detect your images being shared and removed them. This is how it works:

This can all be a lot to navigate, so make sure you reach out to the Revenge Porn Helpline and their team can support you with the process. You may also find Bloom’s course on “Image-based abuse and rebuilding ourselves” useful, it includes videos, reflection activities, and 1-1 messaging for you to share any questions while working through the course.

[Marie]

How to deal with harassment through messages/calls?

If you’re receiving endless messages, it can be really difficult not to react. We hear from survivors who experience this at work, out with friends, and it can form part of a wider pattern of control and isolation so you’re less likely to go out and find support. Your options here can be a bit different depending on whether this is a current or previous relationship.

When experiencing this from a current partner, you could turn off notifications (temporarily if you need to) so you don’t have the constant reminders about this, and you can check the messages at a time where you feel able to. You can turn off notifications on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, and texts and calls via Android and iPhone. You know your circumstances best, so use your judgement about whether it’s safe to do this, but you should know it’s completely okay to focus on whatever you’re doing, whether that’s catching up with a friend or going on Do Not Disturb (available on Android and iPhone) so you can be present in a job interview.

When receiving a lot of messages/calls from a former partner, or any threatening messages at all, this can be really triggering and anxiety-inducing. Some survivors find it helpful to turn off “read receipts” so that an abuser doesn’t know if you’ve seen this. You can do this on WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger, Instagram, iMessages and more. You can also turn off your “Active” or “Currently online” status so they don’t know when you’re checking your messages generally. This is available on Facebook Messenger and WhatsApp. You can also silence unknown callers on iPhones and Androids, so if someone is calling you from a number that’s not saved in your contact list, it will be silenced and sent to your voicemail so you won’t receive a notification while the call is ringing.

If you want to know more about tools available to block, mute or report messages, there’s a lot of information about the steps you can take on our Cover Your Tracks Online guide.

While it can understandably be really tempting to delete messages or voicemails straight away so you don’t have the reminder there, taking screenshots or screen recordings to collect evidence can show the abuse over time. There’s more information about how to do this safely in our Cover Your Tracks Online guide.

This behaviour can be really overwhelming, so as always, we are here to support you whenever you need someone to listen.

[Marie]

How do I stop someone from reading my emails?

There’s lots of information in our Cover Your Tracks Online guide about email safety you may find useful, like how to check if your emails are being automatically forwarded. Investigating all of these settings to find out what’s going on can be really useful for you to understand the situation and collect evidence, but it’s important to consider your safety before making any changes.

Your email security is really important, as your email can often provide access to get into other accounts, as well as holding private information like your calendar or banking information. Your email password should ideally be different to any other password and use a strong password. Turning on 2-step verification is also one of the best ways to secure an account as you’ll be sent a code that you need to enter every time you log in so only you can access your email.

Other ways that you can check your email security include reviewing who has accessed your account and who’s been set up as the recovery contact. Recovery contacts can change passwords more easily as they can set up two-step verification to go to them instead, so this can be important to check. Here are links to show how to do this on different email systems:

• Gmail – Account access and Recovery contacts
• Outlook/Hotmail – Account access and Recovery contacts
• iCloud – Account access and Recovery contacts
• Yahoo – Account access and Recovery contacts
• AOL – Account access and Recovery contacts

However, if you change your password, who’s logged in, or set up 2-step verification when someone else already has access and they’re expecting that access to continue, there’s a chance this could alert them and they could escalate the situation. Taking screenshots, screen recordings and logging that this has happened can be a useful first step, even if you’re not sure if you want to report this or not. If you’d like some advice and support around this, please do get in touch with our team of fully trained support workers.

[Marie]

Hi everyone,

I’m logging off for now but I’ll continue checking back in on this post to see if anyone needs anything around online safety, so you are always welcome to reply at any stage. We’ll also be keeping the anonymous form open so that you can continue to ask any of your questions that way too.

If you’re concerned that you might be experiencing tech abuse, or if reading more about this feels overwhelming and you want to check in with someone, please do reach out for support. Our Live Chat is open every day and you can talk to a fully trained female support worker who will give you space to explore your options.

It would also be great to hear about what you’ve found helpful around technology and abuse, so feel free to share tips, coping strategies or any of your experiences in the replies!

Take care,
Marie
Digital team

[Marie]

I was told that police don’t help with trackers or much with stalking online and the only way is to get a private investigator for my situation. I know I have been tracked and stalked but noone does anything.

I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been experiencing this, the police should support on online stalking but I completely understand that responses can vary depending on your area or the training an officer has received. If you do at any point wish to report, you can report cybercrimes nationally through Action Fraud, which once accessed can then be referred to a local police force for investigation.

You may want to get in touch with Paladin, they’re a national service who assist high risk victims of stalking throughout England and Wales. Their website has forms for self-referral and for professionals to refer. Also on the website is a Stalking and Harassment incident diary template, advice about gathering evidence, advice about safety online, and practical steps to reducing risk.

Other options could be advocacy with a local domestic abuse service, or the Cyber Helpline, you can contact them online via a chatbot which can then put you in touch with a specialist to provide free, expert help around online harms.

Take care,
Marie
Digital team

[swanlake]

I’ve had a brief read of this thread and already been prompted to check all my social media for privacy and messages being marked as read.
On social media I only interact with people who I know in person but I’d like to start my own business and social media marketing is part of the mix for many potential customers. I’ve had several years of no contact with my abuser and don’t want him to find me so have decided against social media marketing but of course that could have consequences for my business and income.
Is there any way around this? I’m thinking of things like (detail removed by moderator) etc so it would be confined to a particular geographical area.

[Marie]

Hi @swanlake,

I’m glad you’ve found a couple of things you’d like to try from this thread, I hope you find them helpful. It’s really hard that you’re having to consider how your abuser might impact your use of social media for your business.

My initial thoughts on what steps you could take to increase your safety if you were to start marketing on social media would be:

• Setting up a social media account with an email and phone number that the abuser has never had access to – this way he’d be less likely to find you by searching the contact details he had or having a platform suggest your profile to him
• Using a different name than the one your abuser knew you by, whether that’s a different surname, or creating a brand for yourself that doesn’t use your name
• Not connecting that account to any others – a lot of other sites will let you connect your social media for easier sign in (e.g. email, dating apps), but the more separate these are, the safer it will be for your business account
• Blocking your abuser if you know his account – here’s a step by step guide on how to do this on a Facebook page, for example, so he wouldn’t be able to see your posts, although your page may still be visible if he logged out of the account. You could also “Ban [user] and new profiles that they may create”.
• There might also be other platforms that your abuser might not be on that could be an option. For instance, you could have a look on Nextdoor and keep your settings private by making sure no one can search for your full name or have your profile suggested to them (details on how to do that here).

Beyond social media, you could use the Google Results about you tool to review what search results are coming up about you at the moment and submit removal requests where needed.

Another thing to consider could be finding a third-party address to use for registering your business with Companies House, if that’s something you’re considering. There’s more information here about which kinds of addresses can be used (e.g. accountant, solicitor): https://www.gov.uk/limited-company-formation/company-address

There’s a lot here so let me know if you have any more questions at all. I know it can be frustrating having to consider these extra steps due to someone else’s actions, but it’s so exciting that you’d like to start your own business, and we’ll all be cheering you on.

Take care,
Marie
Digital team

[Twisted Sister]

This has made interesting reading.

However, to actually get real help with this is virtually impossible. I don’t know anyone who actually does anything about this.

It’s all DO IT YOURSELF, and mostly it’s beyond any one individual’s knowledge to go beyond the most basic things like switching off location and limiting access to accounts and SM.

I actually followed a couple of the links on here, but noones there!

[Marie]

Hi Twisted Sister,

Completely recognise that a lot of the resources available around tech abuse are focused on survivors taking action, and this can be really frustrating when you’re looking for support, but I hope that some of the resources we’re sharing can be useful.

With the links, do you mind PMing me or Lisa to drop us some more information? If one of the resources isn’t working or if you’ve found an issue, we definitely want to know in case we can provide further information and support.

Take care,
Marie
Digital team

[Twisted Sister]

yes, thank you, will dm you

[Marie]

I dont understand tech and have nowhere to go with being stalked noone does this I mean noone can help us. The information is overwhelming and tech people know better than me how to get around everything. Its too much.

This can all be really overwhelming, it’s a lot to have to look at all your tech in this way. This is why it’s so important for you to have support in this. Have you reached out to Refuge’s technology-facilitated abuse team? They specialise in this and can work with you to assess what’s going on with your technology and how you can feel safer online. I know it’s overwhelming, but starting with an email to them (Tech_Abuse@refuge.org.uk) could get you the support you need to understand what’s going on.

[Marie]

everything i writeon my computer is read somehow and appears online

Thanks for getting in touch, there are a few possibilities for what could be happening here unfortunately. With this kind of issue where it could be a few different methods, a great first step would be to use a safer device (like a library computer, work laptop, or friend’s phone) and reach out for support. This is particularly important given the level of access here. You could get in touch with the Cyber Helpline, Refuge’s technology-facilitated abuse team, or a local domestic abuse service, who should be able to work with you to safely narrow down how this could be happening.

Take care,
Marie
Digital team

[Author]

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