Telling a new partner about my history

[SnowdropAndCrocus]

My last relationship was abusive, lasting for a number of years. I won’t go into details, but only since coming out of that relationship did I really start processing and accepting what had happened to me, having been in denial about it during the relationship. Truthfully I was still processing things when I met and began dating my current partner.

He is wonderful and is aware my last relationship was abusive, as I have at times contextualised some of my behaviour by explaining that it’s due to soemthing that had happened with my ex partner. I’ve never gone into details or told the full story to anyone, and have only really come to terms with it all myself. Also I was reluctant to say too much at earlier stages in case it scared him off.

I now feel secure enough in the relationship and that I have processed it enough myself that I would feel safe talking about it with him. But now I wonder whether or not I should? On one hand, I feel he should know so he can fully understand what he is getting himself into and also possibly have explanations for aspects of my behaviour. It would also be nice for me to talk about this with someone in my life.

On the other hand, I wonder if this is something I should just leave in my past, tuck it away and move forward with my current partner? I also have no idea how to even start this conversation with him and whether there’s any information I should withhold from him, such as sparing him more intimate details of my previous relationship?

Any help would be appreciated!

[EvenSerpentsShine]

My natural inclination is to be very circumspect about talking too much about abuse. I don’t know why. I think I’ve been a little bit surprised at how many people don’t really seem to know what to do with it. Their reactions haven’t been at all predictable in my experience.Some people have been unbelievably supportive and others not and I just can’t predict which will be which!.

I mean, obviously society needs to talk about it more, and forums,and films and YouTube.

But bringing it close in with a new partner, only you can judge. Do you feel it would be a positive move from your point of view? Would you feel happier to be more open or may there be things that happened that you actually just want to forget and move on from.

i was just listening to a clinical psychologist saying that trauma is one of those things that may be with us all our lives, and never ‘healed’ in that sense, but that actually we can live happily with it in the background. It doesn’t have to affect us forever. It’s a part of us but doesn’t have to define us.

[SnowdropAndCrocus]

“It’s part of us but doesn’t have to define us” is such a powerful thought to have, thank you. Reminds me that I am a survivor but I am so much more than that.

I think I would be happy being open with it – I am a very open person, but I do think just telling the full story may be a bit much. As you said you never know how people will react and also I’d be worried of it coming across as a  trauma-dump which isn’t fair to my new partner.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

This may be a weird thought but I’m just going to say it anyway.

Would you be letting your ex into your new relationship?

Would you be giving him permission to colonize this part of your life?

How would you feel if your partner gave you very upsetting or intimate details of abuse he’d suffered in a previous relationship?

I don’t have an answer to any of this, I’m just putting it out there.

I really hope I’m not out of line saying these things or bringing my own ‘f**k-ups’ to the party, but I just think that there’s something to be said for a bit of mystery in relationships!

 

[SnowdropAndCrocus]

I don’t think that’s a weird thought at all and honestly sums up how I’ve been feeling quite well, thank you! This forum can be so helpful with people able to put into words how you’re feeling better than yourself.

I really do resonate with this idea that by talking about it with my new partner, I’m letting my ex into this part of my life when really I just want him to stay in the past. I just want to move on with my life and be happy.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Yes, I really feel like the goal for us all is to leave them in the past and move forward into our own futures!
Sometimes feels easier said than done, but it’s  so amazing that you’ve done that with your new partner.
well done! Maybe one day I’ll get there too!

 

[minimeerkat]

its good that discussing this with evenserpentsshine on the forum has helped you. so hope its ok to now tell you that in the past a non-abusive partner opened up about their own ‘trauma’ & sadly the relationship was never the same – its very possible that this would not have affected someone else but we are all different/individual.  and because of this i believe you can never guarantee the reaction

[gettingtoknowmyself]

Agree with all the comments here. It is a complicated situation, I’ve grappled with it too. I recently broke things off with a new partner that I was seeing – partly because I felt like I’d overshared my history of abuse. They weren’t showing any signs themselves of ‘potential abuser’, but I know from the past that these things can later on get weaponised against you – it can feel good in the moment confiding all of this to a partner, including private issues such as mental health and family issues, but it can be turned against you so quickly. I would rather keep my guard. Plus, the more I told this person about my past abuse, the more I felt trapped psychologically in that state. They were supportive, listened well, etc, but ultimately I felt like I was just this poor, broken child-woman being cosseted by them – whereas I know I’m more fierce and stronger than that.

The only other concern, I guess, would be potential offence if the ‘secret’ was out later down the line, and your partner felt as though you’d been keeping secrets from them. But I guess that’s on them – and hopefully, a reasonable partner would not judge you for trying to move on from such a traumatic part of your life.

[Yesican]

Thanks for this thread. It has been really useful to me.

I love the idea of leaving the abuser in the past. I’ve come around to thinking that I don’t share my past abuse with anyone (except a very experienced counsellor). People don’t know how to react and most don’t say what I want to hear.

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