Telling your new partner about what happened to you

[colouringinfairy]

It’s been a whirlwind few months for me…my case is closed, I am due to meet with the deputy chief crown prosecutor next week, I made my victim impact statement public…I finally feel like I am moving on and this is coming to an end. Of course, it will never really be over, and I will never fully move on. I witnessed an assault in public this week, it triggered me to no end. The dreams are still frequent, the pain is still there like a dull ache. But I am happy. I am thriving. I do not miss him, I am not even in love with him.

I have also met someone, and for the first time in years and years, I finally love someone who isn’t my abusive ex boyfriend. It’s the kind of feeling I have been waiting for, not because I have wanted a relationship (or love for that matter) but because I was terrified for years that I would never be able to love anyone else. This has really come out of no where for me, as I wan’t looking for anything and am obviously still focusing on myself and healing from my trauma.

But it has happened, and (thus far) he is an amazing man who treats me well, respects me, communicates his feelings, is patient and understanding of me, and I love him for it. The issue is though, I am still massively paranoid, and almost living in fear of being hurt in ANY way possible. I keep pushing him away, almost treating him the way my ex used to by trying to end the relationship every time we have a tiny disagreement. He has been so patient with me, and so kind, but I know I need to be honest with him about my years of abuse, and the what exactly happened on the night of my assault, so he understands why I am the way I am, and exactly why it’s going to take quite some time for me to be comfortable with our relationship. We are having this chat tonight, and even thinking about my ex and the assault makes me feel sick and anxious, but I know I need to do this.

I would love to know how everyone else tackled this situation when they met someone new. How did you handle it? What did you say? How did it make you feel? I am so nervous!! Any advice would be so welcome.

[diymum@1]

I gave it quite some time about a year. Hi s take was u must have really loved him to put up with so much when I started to share what happened. I did find that reaction quite difficult because I couldn’t explain traumatic bonding. Into our relationship from this forum I learned all about it and I slowly shared some off what I’ve been learned about xx I’m at the stage he’s now reading some off the books we recommend on here! When he can’t sleep. He’s found the manipulation tactic fascinating xx so I’d say that take your time and tell him slowly xx I’ve never divulged the physical stuff xx I can say too slightest small argument and I’m thinking that’s it he’s leaving xx I still get insecure x

[fizzylem]

Wow you’ve come along way girl! So good to read!

Guess once you’ve let it out it cant ever be put back in, it’s out there isnt it, so be mindful of this, this can feel uncomfortable. Which means it’s probably best when you feel ready, bit at a time.

I would focus more on trying to reign in the pattern in your behaviour that you’ve noticed when you have a disagreement – tell yourself not to do it, as it’s damaging what is good for you – sabourtaging. Workout what you feel in this moment and make a plan re how you’d like to respond next time and practice this for a bit.

When in any new relationship, its only natural that he and the things you do, will trigger thoughts and memories, sometimes unconcious processes occur as you’ve described, you behave how you used to in relation to him (the ex) – when this is not needed.

If you always protect you, him and this relationship it will be ok – maybe even great hey! xx

[colouringinfairy]

Thanks ladies – your comments mean a lot!

We had the talk, it was hard…but I made it through the whole thing without crying once (which in itself is a b****y miracle). He was very upset, on the verge of tears and held my hand the whole time. I said I was worried it would put him off and he said it just makes him want to look after me even more…I think I have a good one on my hands…time will tell!

He did say he was worried I wouldn’t be able to move on from my ex…I explained trauma bonding to him, and was honest that a part of me will always love the person I THOUGHT he was, but it’s done now. It’s understandable my new partner would feel intimidated by what was a very passionate albeit toxic relationship but I just hope he can accept it for what it is.

[diymum@1]

At the start we’re groomed so they do intentionally get their claws in so to speak xx so it might be worth mentioning he got you with the drip drip effect you were duped same as us and this can happen to anyone xx

[fizzylem]

You’ve told him now, so he has this understanding; now its about being mindful not to let your ex or the past infect or destroy this relationship in any way; you can help with this by not talking about him again or as little as is required only – keep him out CF x

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