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I was doign some reflecting on the last year and some of the moments that made it easier to get out of the abusive relationship. This forum was such a huge relief to be a part of at the time and I wanted to leave a note of thanks.
To anyone who might be looking at the positive moments topic to find some words of encouragement, I wanted to offer that too. It’s (detail removed by Moderator) leaving that home and relationship and I still feel relief on a daily basis. It’s been many months since I’ve had any contact and a few months since I’ve been feeling any form of guilt about that.
I can now speak freely, dress how I want to, speak to who I want to, express myself and how I’m feelng without punishment or negative consequences. I look forward to spending time in my home where I can rest, I’m not treading on eggshells anymore, keeping secrets from my loved ones or losing sleep about what might happen next. I no longer question whether what happened was my fault, I don’t have to sit through anymore horrible dinners/social events/family visits, I can enjoy christmas/birthdays and special occassions without worrying they’ll be ruined. I’m free to focus on my needs and those of the people I care about, I have emotional capacity for friends and family. I’m a healthy weight again, I’m better at my job, I have enough energy to take care of my dog better than before. There’s so much more than just this and I’m finding the relief just keeps coming.
I’m so grateful for all of it and it was so hard to see what I was leaving for when I was in the thick of it. I know everyones situation would be different and I’ve been lucky enough to find a way to cut him out completely. Sometimes I wish I knew back then how much better I’d be feeling now and what would change for the better. So I’ll share this here and hope you all can look forward to things changing in whatever way makes sense for you. It was worth the uncertainty, pain and difficult choices. I just wish I’d done it sooner.
I hope this can be encouraging for those of you who can’t keep sight of why they’re trying to leave. I promise you it’s worth it.
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I for one am so grateful you posted this I needed to hear this today. Feeling alone today and like its all too much reading this helped so much.
Im so glad you found the strength to leave I hope you continue to heal. Thank you for sharing xxxx-
You’re so welcome and if it only reaches yourself and makes a difference to you to see this, that’s enough.
There’s so much more to life after surviving abuse and I knew how hard it was for me to see the point or what life could be like again. I couldn’t have imagined a time when it wasn’t on the forefront of my mind and I now go days without feeling the pain of remembering it. I’m Looking forward to it being a distant memory.
Sending you all the strength and hugs to make the best choices for you xx
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Hereforclarity, thank you so much for this inspirational post. What you describe is the dream. I can’t imagine what it will feel like when I can close the door in my own home and feel safe. When you spoke about special occasions it hit a nerve as I feel the exact same, I can only imagine the joy you must feel. This have always been ruined for us, and knowing we can get back that joy is pushing me to leave and not look back. For me, I have to leave to be a better mum. I feel like a shouty mum, always intervening early, so it doesn’t escalate with my husband. My dream is they can feel safe at our new home, have a back garden they can use at anytime, and make noise if they need to (both kids with ASN so this is important). So thank you.
Nbumblebee, please consider contacting local support agencies for help. A few years ago I felt trapped, and like you I could see no way out. It’s only as my children have got older that I’ve seen the harm this environment is causing them, that I reached out for support. I’ve changed my mind many times thinking staying is easier, then I recently took the step to see what is there available, housing, financial etc, and have appointments this week to discuss them. Even taking a small step to see what your options are might give you some hope that leaving is possible. Keep in touch, our emotional abuse sounds similar and being on a constant high alert is hard. Xx
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Thank you for sharing this, it’s really good to know that there is a way through this, I am a few months out of the relationship and although I have difficult days I have good ones too. I have had so many of my friends reach out this week with love and encouragement. I have kept very quiet for two reasons feeling very embarrassed and ashamed ( no I have no idea why I just do ) and because he doesn’t know where I am. I am really looking forward to having my own place, wear what I want and eat what I want.
Good to know it’s all possible x*x-
Hey nBumblebee,
I remember feeling exactly as you describe, like I was trapped forever. This is not your forever. You will be free one day.
Have you managed to get any support?
The first people I contacted were my local domestic violence helpline. I pulled one of those numbers off the bottom of a poster in a toilet cubicle. I kept it hidden until I had the chance to call them. I met up with a lovely support worker. I’m really bad at remembering faces, but I still remember hers. She supported me all the way through and never gave up on me.
It took me years to finally leave, and before that I did go back and let him back several times, because of false promises of change, but in the end, I did it and you can do it too.
I believe in you.
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Thank you @pigeonperson I have a counsellor as I self harm and she knows about my life I also have the support of a personal trainer so I am supported there but no I have never reached out apart from on here. I find it almost impossible to accept the A word to me my husband can be just mean sometimes and Its what I deserve I guess. I wont leave I just know I wont as much as I want to some days I just cant see a way out.
I am just trying to find a way to live along side him as well as having a life of my own that I can be proud of. Its not easy not easy at all and i struggle every day but Ive chosen this way this life as with everyone some days are better than others Im not happy not happy at all but Im not beaten im not unsafe so I need to be thankfull for that and I am. I will never understand why my husband says and does such nasty things the silence the aggresion and also the nice times the calm times I am in this now life is calm and nice and good but I cant relax I cant enjoy as Im always waiting for the next blow out watching what I say what I do for fear of him turning back into that nasty man. Its not an easy life is it? But Im very lucky as I know it could be so much worse. Xxxxxx
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Oh, Bumblebee… here’s a big (((hug)))
I actually found the emotional and psychological abuse so much harder to cope with than the actual violence. It was harder because I felt like the times when I had actual bruises, I had the right to support, and when I didn’t, I should be grateful that he wasn’t hitting me that week and that it would be okay. It wasn’t okay. I also used to compare my story to others, thinking, it’s not so bad as theirs. I used to minimize the abuse I was suffering, thinking I didn’t deserve to be helped. I used to blame myself.
What you are describing is severe emotional abuse and it’s not your fault and you don’t deserve it. I self harmed too. I haven’t done that since I left. I’m glad you have some support.
The calm times were so difficult for me. I know that feeling of dread, never knowing when his rage would break out. It’s not fair that you have to live like that. I know how much anxiety it induces, and the depression it causes. Emotional abuse is still abuse. I can only speak for myself, but the emotional and psychological abuse was definitely the worst aspect of it all. I’ve heard others say the same, when I was doing the Freedom Programme. You can find the Freedom Programme online and sign up for it. It helped me so much.
Emotional and psychological abuse is dangerous. It causes us to be in a state of permanent “alert”, causes us to release certain types of hormones, can cause us to develop illnesses. It can cause depression, PTSD, severe anxiety, fibromyalgia and other physical symptoms. It’s dangerous to our mental and physical health, to our emotional well-being. It exhausts us, utterly drains our energy and our joy. It causes insomnia, can cause us to self harm.
It’s abuse and you deserve better.
If you were a child suffering what you are suffering, professionals would agree it wasn’t a suitable environment for a child to live in. Just because you aren’t a child doesn’t mean you have to suffer what you are suffering.
Have a look at the Women’s Aid page on coercive control, I’ll see if I can post it here. Coercive control is now illegal in the UK and if it’s happening to you, you can get a restraining order against your husband.
Just knowing that there are options available for you if you find the courage to take the necessary steps can help.
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I forgot to say:
You didn’t choose that way of life: you chose to marry the kind, loving man who you thought he was back then. He chose to become the bullying, abusive person you are suffering today. That wasn’t a choice. Nobody chooses to be abused.
I understand how difficult it is: goodness knows, I stayed too long and thought the same as you for so long.
You deserve better.
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Thank you for this, it’s made me reflect on what I’ve been through and that I need to cherish the little accomplishments, been feeling like a failure for not enjoying every second of my freedom as I’ve wasted so much of my life living with abuse but hopefully this is all part of the process having to heal the damage and then get back to who I want to be- this too shall pass x*x
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Hereforclarity, I just want to say thank you so much for posting this. I’ve not long left my husband and I am a mess. I won’t go into details because I feel exhausted at the moment. But I am finding this forum so helpful and this post in particular is one I will come back to when I’m feeling weak. Thank you for taking the time to share this. It’s given me hope x
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