That time of year again

[White Rose]

He always ruined it.
He got grumpy, down and stressed.
It always started about 6-8 weeks before Christmas and I used to have a permanent knot of anxiety in my stomach and a feeling of dread as to just how bad this year was going to be.
He had to have a Christmas list for everyone and insisted on micromanaging the present budget – if we decided to spend £x on someone it had to be to be that down to the final penny, not under or over.
Long faces and sad eyes as if he was a child who’d not got their Christmas wish. Goodness knows why as he had a big enough list of wishes for himself most years but boy did he sulk if we got him something different. I always gave his gifts with the receipt and the gift receipt and he exchanged them more times than not. It got to be a joke between me and our daughter – “Do you think he’ll like it?” “Does it matter as he’ll take it back anyway” The stress as he opened our presents was palpable neither of us breathing.
It’s taken a few years to shake off the anxiety this behaviour induced in me, to be able to buy for someone and not worry they hadn’t asked for that gift, to relax over giving a teenage relative some money or a voucher to spend in the sales and just a tiny gift to open on Christmas morning and not be told it was a “cop out” and showed no thought.
I’ve finally relaxed about Christmas cooking too – doing some edible gifts for fun this year and know I will enjoy giving them. I know what I’m cooking (roughly anyway!) on the day and I know I can get it done without the need for a minute by minute tick box list for when the roast goes in veg go on and exactly how long to rest the turkey and chill the drinks. Now we’re not with him if we’re an hour or more behind our “very flexible sit down to eat time” I really don’t care, and neither does anyone else. When it’s ready we’ll eat and relax and enjoy the time together.
So what about him? He’s still at it, spoiling the magic for those who still have contact with him, getting them all worried over his low mood and his suicide threats, his oh so sad puppy dog eyes. Someone will give in I’m sure and spoil their day by having Mr Grumpy round to share it with them, but those who tolerate him are an ever decreasing number.
One of my favourite Christmas songs is Fairy tale of New York. I love singing it with my daughter in the car full blast and we always have a little smile, or even a big belly laugh, at that middle section (you know the bit I mean!) we don’t care what the various interpretations of the lyrics are it just sums feelings up for us and makes us stronger.
I know there’s friends on here struggling at this time of year either still with abusive partners or like us still dealing with the aftermath, those whose children aren’t with them (and those who perhaps wish they weren’t!) but it really is just another day, based around an event that may be true, maybe not. Strip off the commercial side and the TV ad hype, be who you want to be, even if this year it’s just inside as you can’t show the real you. Be safe. Remember to keep your self respect and if all else fails recite those lyrics in your head and smile as it won’t always be this bad xx

[diymum@1]

(detail removed by moderator) love to spoil Christmas simply because its not about them! its pathetic really. Your right no one wants to deal with someone like that, they say laugh and the world laughs with you cry you cry alone. The problem is they have to coerce the people around them to actually be with them not because they really want to and that’s the truth! This year weve given toys to charity and plan to do take practical stuff up to the local hospital for the homeless just before Christmas. I think the wee one has been feeling good about doing that. We get so swept in at Christmas with having all the fancy stuff, spending too much money,having the perfect family. Ive realised its not going to happen. This year the dinner is pre- ordered it going in the oven no peeling for me. Its fire on, lots of movies and a real rest/ feet up :. Im going to enjoy this year and not be pressured into perfection. Its another day and there so much more to focus on for the future xx DIY I hope you all have a peaceful time xx

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you for sharing this.

I have hugely mixed emotions but am mostly okay. First Christmas out with our children. I put our Christmas tree lights on whenever I like. I put our heating on to keep us warm. We sing and dance to Christmas songs. It’s a light happy predictable environment without fear. We’re spending it with my family and it will be filled from start to finish with love and joy and positivity. It will be different this year.

Peace and love to all.

xxxx

[diymum@1]

It sounds like lots of lovely memories will be made for you and your kids ☺I’m so happy to hear that for you both. All the best and I hope you have a good year ahead 💪✌❤diy

[Halfwayout]

Thanks White Rose, I will probably refer to your post a few time over the next couple of weeks just to get me through but for now?
My one is still ruining it, he said months ago he would and yes he’s succeeding or is he trying to convince himself?
(detail removed by moderator) my daughter put the tree up, my son loved the surprise of it being up(their both adult big kids), I received a Christmas card from one of MY family members, so yes (detail removed by moderator) OH is as high as a kite, once again trying to project a ” I’m happy” .
The radio, tv and especially,” I’m a celebrity” really gets me down and last night trying to Internet shop was depressing.
Probably won’t put our pressies under the tree(don’t trust him) and won’t open them until we gets to my brothers house for Christmas lunch, so yes bring on January, sorry!
Your post will help me, thanks.

[SunshineRainflower]

I really enjoyed reading your post White Rose, thanks for sharing. I am starting to feel a bit low and worried about spending Christmas alone this year and I like the idea of just making it my thing and not worrying about it being all perfect or whatever. I’ve never cooked a Christmas dinner alone before and although I’m vegetarian so won’t be cooking a turkey or anything the thought of making a roast dinner still feels a bit overwhelming. I found some nice sounding recipes this week so was thinking of trying one out over the next week then making whichever turns out best on Christmas Day. I know I could just eat anything since it’s just me but Christmas dinner was always something I enjoyed so it feels nice to make the effort for myself.

I’ve created a new playlist for my own Christmas which consists of all the Christmas songs over the years that I’ve loved. My brother who is a classic n**********c emotional abuser is always really unpredictable at Christmas and for years said he loved Christmas music and played it a lot in his room, then one year when I was playing it he was vicious about the music spitting about how awful it was and how much he hated it which made me feel terrible and depressed and I will have probably turned it off. His behaviour like this always made me feel so confused and was just another example of his unpredictability and cruel outbursts. It has been nice to play the songs this year without the fear of him or anyone else dissing them, it has given me more of a sense of peace and safety. I feel like this Christmas for me, perhaps for all of us too is about reclaiming it for ourselves and making it genuinely peaceful, protected from abusers. And I hope anyone still stuck with an abuser is able to make plans to safely escape before or not long after.

[Author]

Posts