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Yesterday proved to me that I’m never going to get over this. The violation and degrading nature of the act ruins you. I feel shame, I feel dirty and I feel angry that I’m made to feel like this when I had no control over it. It makes you want to hide away, crawl into a ball and never have to talk again. I hate myself for being so pathetic and neglecting of my own self worth but in honesty I have none left.
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Hi
I am so sorry to read of the harm you have suffered and still suffer.
All the emotion you identify can be worked through. It is hard work emotionally, but with the right support and trust many have overcome awful trauma, humiliation, shame and suffering.
I hope that you too will find the right conditions for you to work through it all and make your way to healing too.
Warmest wishes
TS
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Hi there, your post is such a brave and honest description of how you feel. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how difficult it is.
I haven’t experienced this myself but I want you to know that you are heard and supported.
When we feel intense emotions, it can feel like we’re completely consumed by them and like they are part of us. It can feel unimaginable that we will ever feel differently. What you’re feeling has actually been dumped on you by your abuser, who needs you to feel that way so that he can stay in control.
This is how I what I imagine it must be like (I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m assuming I know how you feel, my intention is to provide a metaphor that may helpful). It’s like he’s thrown a heavy load of dirt onto you. You feel suffocated, like it’s too heavy to move, contaminated, disgusting and like you’ll never be clean of it. These feelings are very real, but they are not part of who you are and they are not permanent. It’s not your dirt, it’s not part of you. Like KIP says, it is possible to find your way out of this heap of dirt and feel clean again.
I wonder whether part of the feelings of worthlessness are because your mind is asking “how could this happen to me?” and the only answer it can think of is that it must be because you’re worthless. But I think that’s because our minds really struggle to understand the mind of an abuser – they think so differently to the rest of us. Your worth has nothing to do with his want for control and power. He is not interested in other people for who they really are, just how they can meet his needs. You haven’t experienced this because you are worth less than anyone else. You have been unlucky to meet someone who used your empathy and humanity used against you to meet his need for control and power (which is what all abusers do).
It must be incredibly hard. Please reach out for support e.g. Women’s Aid, Rape Crisis and keep posting on here. You have done nothing to deserve this heap of dirt. I can’t imagine anyone else in your situation feeling differently to how you describe. You are not pathetic. You haven’t lost your self worth, it’s just well hidden under the dirt. You will find it again. Sending lots of love and support xxxx
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Hi lovely,
I have seen people get through this. I think there is hope.
The problem atm is that his continued attempts to abuse you are making it very hard for you to make progress. You’re still busy fighting fires.
I’m wondering if you are feeling strong enough to start dealing with it yet?
It’s a bit of a catch 22. You need strength to deal with it but as long as you are not dealing with it and it’s bogging you down, it’s hard to find the strength.
You can self refer to IAPT.
I found talk therapy did not work as a trauma therapy. It was done over the phone and just re-traumatised me, leaving me with no safety net.
I have however just self referred for EMDR. I. On a waiting list but I’ll let you know how I get on. If it seems to help, I’ll let you know. xx
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