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When I tried to leave / end my marriage after years of control and treating me like a subordinate and more recently the verbal contemptuous outbursts combined with his daily drinking, he tried to hurt me by hurting the children. Lots was said. Threats and unrealistic selfish demands were made by him to protect that which he loves – money and social perception. So, after some awfully dark days I knew I had to play the long game, and also thanks to everyone if you that made me see that it was ok. So, I realised I had to make a plan to get out as I could not, for the sake of my health, and so I had to do it secretly. I have taken legal advice and done everything properly and with transparency so I cannot be accused of greed or nastiness. I, with the help of my family, have been buying things to set up a new home and am buying a lovely little house for us to move in to. In the mean time I am receiving professional help and under going assessments by the mental health dept. I have rationalised my husbands behaviour to the authorities and defended him to the social care department with regards to our children’s welfare. I have also defended him to the kids schools to protect his reputation and identity. I am also doing what I can to develop his relationship with his children whilst also supporting the kids when he is funny with them. I am asking for far less than half of what we have and will be leaving established friendships behind. However, in doing this, the effects of his nastiness is lost and replaced with sympathy as he will be lost and he says he loves me so very much. And yet he trivialises my illness, refuses to accept any responsibility and says he is being hung out to dry. The childrennsee us existing together but I don’t think they are fooled. However, the longer this goes on the more the memory of his nastiness fades. This is the problem with the long game. I don’t exchange on my house until a couple of days with completion 2 weeks later. He demands to know where we stand but I can’t talk to him. He continues to talk in front of the kids. I try to avoid this. He is intimidating and drunk again tonight. I have another two weeks to endure but every day is getting harder for everyone in this house – him included. It is so so hard .
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Hang in there. I had years of “keeping the peace”. Think of it as putting distance between you so that you can sort your problems out. You can never do this while living with an abuser. I felt sorry for my ex too until his mask slipped and he showed his true colours. Again. You are doing everything right to protect your sanity and your health and your kids. I wish i had done what you have done but i was still trapped in his game right up till he was arrested. Everyone deserves to be happy and your kids deserve a happy mum. He will always bring you down. Stay strong. Can you go and stay with family or friends for a few days meantime?
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Thankyou KIP. I can’t stay anywhere else and it really wouldn’t be fair on the kids as they would have a nearly 30mile trip to school every morning. I just need to stay strong but I hate the pretence but then I think – if he had acted properly when I said I wanted a separation then I wouldn’t have had to resort to this. He has told me he will be really mad if he gets a solicitors letter so I will leave all of that until I am out of the house. I think he will go mad anyway but what’s the worst he can do ? He has never hit me before and I don’t think he would – he tends to buy his way out of hassle with other people so I am not scared – it’s the pyschological damage of his intimidation, long fast lectures, self pity and spitefulness that reduces me to a shaky mess. I have my families full support – that will have to be enough to get me through. Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me x*x
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My ex buys his way out of everything. Playing at the ‘big man’ but now his money has run out and hes desperate. You have done nothing wrong and in fact you have been very very practical which is hard. You will not regret this. No matter what he throws at you, you have your own safe space and distance. My ex used the house to keep me there. Watch him try to buy the kids and play the victim. Do not give him a penny more than he is entitled to. Let the lawyers sort that out. You own him nothing. If he was reasonable you wouldnt have to do what youre doing.
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Dear Tuppance, quite honestly I still care about my ex. I feel sad for him and care that he is ok. I know this. But something inside of me knows the rights and wrongs of decency and the requirements of a decent healthy relationship, which we lacked. I tried to make it work with him, I was open, honest, fair and respectful. I was met with a brick wall. It takes two to make a relationship work with equal input on both sides, I didn’t have that. I realized that we lacked the fundamental basics and this has always been there simmering in the background when I have felt sad, unsure about it ending.
After we split up I would have loved for him to be normal and straightforward. I so much wanted this, for us to have a talk where he would be honest, straightforward and open. To apologize sincerely and wish each other well. I said those things to him. I was met with silence. I don’t think these men are capable of being normal and reasonable sadly.
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Please don’t waste any time feeling sorry for them. He is provably ‘behaving’ because he’s trying to trigger your pity, to make you question your actions. Another form of control.
He’s trying to obtain the most he can in the situation, playing you so you don’t go ahead and fight for your freedom and your rights.
They don’t care about anyone else, and there is true nastiness lying beneath. As KIP says, once the mask is off when you attempt to end things, you realise what monsters they are.
They are truly rotten, but do a good job of hiding the true extent of their nastiness by projecting blame and playing games, or keeping a lid on certain parts of their character.
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Dear Tuppance, tonight I read some absolutly cracking trauma bonding and n********t articles, for me they explain IN FULL what I had gotton involved in, why it had so deeply affected me and all of the psychology during and post split. I will send you a private message with the links. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER !!!!!!…………….Personally I feel I am entering a phase of my life which is the best ever and I can partly thank my ex for this, thank him for being a cruel n********t with me as without this I would not be guided down the path I am now heading. X*X
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I know exactly how you feel. When my ex is acting horrible I find him much easier to deal with than when he is being nice. I know the nice is just an act, just another trick in his magic box but it really gets me. I am at a point where I know I need to put my foot down and I know I need to take hin to court but its killing me having to do it because I know its goingto hurt him, cost him money. I wish he would behave reasonably and see the contact arrangements are as such for a reason and he gets a very good deal considering his past behaviour but it just won’t happen. These men think the world revolves around them and they are entitled to what they want. They are just more important than you. I know it is hard but keep telling yourself mr nice does not exist it is just a mask.
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