The good days & letting him down

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone,

I keep feeling like I have let him and our family down.

Have been out not even a year, he has lots of MH/family issues etc, we had been through a lot of things as a couple that could have “broke” us. I feel like I am letting him down by letting this break us.

I know in my gut that he will never change, and that he is the one that has let me and us down. But it is so hard when I think of how much he is struggling, and I keep remembering the good times and feel a physical ache, a longing for him and the past. I feel guilty that I am not supporting him.

Some days I can see things logically, other days like today, I wake up and it’s all consuming. I remember when we were happy and I think, How did it get to this? How am I so cruel to walk away when he needs me?

Can you ladies can relate, and does it get better? Does the longing, aching, guilt ever go? I would love to hear from anyone especially with children who can testify that it does get better, because I feel in a black hole at the moment.

Thank you ❤️

[Bananaboat]

I can definitely relate, (detail removed by Moderator) out and get these days. I know it’s the right decision to leave, I know we are all happier away from him but I see him regularly due to a shared child, and he’s the nice version which triggers those lost feelings. When he got ill I felt really bad for him and it took a lot of energy not to offer to help. I felt cruel and one part of my brain was saying he needs me. It looked like he was in hospital alone and had text me but I have to keep reminding myself what it was like in those bad times. Or if now, I was ill would he help, was he there when I needed him? no.

It’s like we have to retrain our brains because we’re naturally loving, helpful, empathetic people. You’re grieving what should’ve been and trying to convince your brain it would never be. I choose to believe at least some of the good times were real, I don’t think it was all faked or that he’s rotten to the core, but never forget the bad – for me I have to keep remembering the lies, the cheating, choosing drink & drugs, how he only does a token amount of time with our child to look good the rest of the time it’s like he doesn’t exist to us. It’s tough, hang in there, it does lessen. The other week I was driving and a feeling of happiness just hit me. xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much Bananaboat for taking the time reply and for what you’ve said, it’s really encouraging to read your words and similar experience. Especially the question of “was he there when I needed him?” For me the answer is no as well. He was there sometimes, but ultimately when I really needed him he was focused on himself. So difficult to accept when you are used to the breadcrumbs and being so grateful for anything good they do. And sometimes they SAY the right things but don’t actually DO anything and that’s a mindf***

With children it’s hard isn’t it because it’s a positive thing to acknowledge the good, but you’re right in that I need to keep remembering the bad and how THAT felt too. Because the good was never there alone, you can’t have the nice him without the abusive one, and if I went back to him there would always be the sick feeling and I would always be waiting for the bad, scared of doing something wrong…

Thank you again and well done for staying strong xx

[LightbulbMoment]

I can relate so much to this too.
Remember that the gut wrench you have is for something that isn’t there anymore. Like Bananaboat says, it’s a form of grief.

I went back after having left. When I left I thought it would be for good, but I found things so hard – practically and emotionally. I ended up going back after a few months and tried really hard to make things work. It wasn’t long before it was unbearable again.

When I left again it was for good. It hasn’t been a year yet and many days are hard – it certainly isn’t the fairytale of the little safe, calm, happy space (sleeping with the enemy-style). But things are getting better slowly and there are more and more moments of joy.

Good idea to keep a hold of what reality was like with him, remembering the bad bits (but also allowing memories of good times in the past, realising these are no longer possible in the present or future).

Sending strength and love xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply lightbulb moment. It’s so helpful to hear your experience of going back and it not being this rosy, wonderful time that I am imagining.

I do need to let go of the memories and hopes, realising they are not possible for the future anymore. It is like a grief isn’t it, and that final stage of acceptance. I long to get there but it’s so encouraging to know that there is hope, it just take time. We need to look how far we’ve come don’t we.

Sending strength and love to your journey too xx

[Author]

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