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Okay, so after years and years of what I now can see is abuse – I’ve decided I need to leave.
The issue is – I have given him one more chance – one more chance to get his life straight – to ‘change’.
because I have given him this one last chance – I feel guilty – knowing that I just want to leave – knowing that he is trying (and he is trying)
I have become distant – mentally – emotionally – physically but then I look at him and the confusion comes back. I think ‘ah well he is trying – maybe I need to try as well’
Have I become distant because I know nothing will change? Am I just waiting for the next excuse to leave? Why does the guilt feel like it’s killing me? Why do I feel like he is trying his hardest and I’m just waiting for him to mess up?
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Sounds the exact same as me hit the nail on the head. I had given up way before I left as you said mentally and physically. I went back again saying I would try with him but not making any promises. I simply couldn’t do it even him being nice and trying to comfort me was going through me. I left again after (detail removed by Moderator) or so, he didn’t do anything bad didn’t row or nothing but I simply couldn’t do it. I couldn’t unsee any of the abuse. I was just waiting for the next row. I had gone way past it! I was so distant and that was ruining My mental health more than just leaving I figured out. I’m in the process of moving my stuff out of the house but I’m on the right steps after wanting this for so long. So scary! Life starting again in my (detail removed by Moderator)! I can’t see me going back now.
deep down i knew nothing would change… After so many times it is only inevitable where you get to this stage. You will do it when the time is right for you. Stay strong x
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That’s exactly it!
I feel like I’m done – I feel like even if he changed – even if he somehow become perfect that still wouldn’t be enough. It won’t change the past and it won’t erase everything he’s done. I won’t be able to forget – nor forgive -which means it will never work.
But then that leads on to the guilt feelings. He is trying – and I am just done. But then is he trying? Or is this just the start of the cycle again? This all just messes with your head doesn’t it?
Part of me – and this might sound crazy but part of me wishes he would just mess up now. Mess up while I’m in the headspace of this is enough. I have had enough. That would give me the final push to leave.
well done – well done for getting the strength and courage to leave. I’m proud of you – and you should be proud of yourself. Start life again – fresh start – do whatever you want to do. Be whoever you want to be 🙂
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Honestly I feel like I may aswell wrote what you just did. I felt like I was just waiting for him to mess up, doesn’t sound crazy at all! I just simply couldn’t wait I knew what I needed to do, my mental health was suffering even by trying to be normal. Even if he did change i cant unsee it and i resent him for doing what he has done to me. I just couldn’t be normal anymore. I was also have guilt feelings that he was trying but his trying was just cuddling me etc and I just didn’t want it. You will also find strength when the time is right. Sounds like you are at the same point I was before I left.
Thankyou so much- it really is a mixed bag of emotions right now – guilt, anger, fear, relief, sadness. Whirlwind… I have to keep going. Sending strength your way xx
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I’ve only recently joined and it’s crazy how you can feel so alone in this but then you start to read other peoples posts and their stories – and we all go through similar things – similar thoughts and similar emotions.
I think I am in the position – ready to leave. I’ve said one more chance so many times but I never believed it. This time feels different – this time feels like I’m ready.
You’re right – you have to keep going – be strong – for you! You deserve to be happy and free. < I keep telling myself this! It’s easier to give advice than take it though isn’t it?!
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Having the same feelings here as well. Can’t unsee, and things won’t be the same again after this realisation. I feel like in those times when he’s trying there’s a use by date on his efforts and he’s only being nice and supportive for his own gains: being to get back on track so he can go back to his old ways. I don’t know if it’s just me but he just seems so disingenuous – whether because I’m biased due to having lost trust in him or if I’m now able to see his tactics with so much more clarity now that I know what I know.
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It’s rubbish isn’t it!
That’s where the guilt comes from – because you see them being so nice and you start to question everything bad you thought.
BUT it is bad – otherwise we wouldn’t be on here.
I also feel like there’s an expiry date on his ‘kindness’ – or just normal behaviour.. and I think that’s because he wants to suck me in again.
See I know all this, and I said above I’m great at giving out advice – but taking my own advice is a whole different story!
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Exactly that! If it wasn’t bad we wouldn’t be here. Ive not been here that long posting but its helped me no end. I have also so much more clarity. Recommend reading lundys book if you haven’t done so already. An upsetting read for me but it did open my eyes even more to something I already knew.
We all deserve happiness. Sending you strength ladies
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I always know I am going to hear what I need to on these forums.
I did it. I filed for divorce (detail removed by Moderator). Of course, I did this (detail removed by Moderator) year ago and ended up withdrawing the charges because of the guilt. Those conversations with myself are already happening in my head. Maybe once he sees I am serious, he will realize and admit that he needs to change. And then actually change. We give and we give and we give. We forgive.
I don’t think it is fair. I question whether I am making a huge deal out of nothing. But it has not been nothing. it’s been (detail removed by Moderator) years of my life, trying to reach his unattainable standards, trying to be who he thinks I should be, trying to get him to accept me and love me for me. I don’t know if the guilt and doubt will ever go away. But maybe, just maybe I deserve to live my life the way I choose to. Maybe I have a big happy future in front of me and I have just been to blind to see it.
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you should be so proud of yourself! this would have taken so much strength & courage. we all understand the guilt – and for me it was also the severity of the trauma bond
maybe we feel guilty for putting ourselves first for once? maybe we have always put the wants & needs of others above our own which can then leave us vulnerable to abusive relationships. its difficult for women not to feel guilty too when their partners appear to be trying but this is usually just attempts by them to manipulate us rather than being anything genuine
you say you can have thoughts of him realizing the seriousness of your actions which could then motivate him into changing. but if you think about it, if it took something like this to see a difference in your partner it is even less likely that it would be sincere – because they can turn back into mr wonderful as soon as they sense any loss of control
you do deserve to be happy – we all do. if our partners abuse us for being who we are & not who they want us to be then we are not safe. you dont know what lies ahead for you but whilst you are trapped in this toxic relationship there will never be the chance to find this out – and normally getting rid of unhealthy people in our lives makes room for the healthy ones x
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