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So many of us, if not all of us, ask the question at some point – How did I end up here? They study us, learn how to mimic, con, disguise, manipulate, lure, hunt and trap their prey so I think it only fair to study them for awhile here and what they very much do and how they do it. They are our human predators. Everything on the planet has one so we might as well know what we are dealing with, right?
When we ask the question initially, of course, we are coming from that place of “what did I do wrong?” as far as why did I end up here? That’s okay, at least you’re asking the question. The lies will be outed eventually….if you stay tuned.
For one, like any good con artist when looking for their mark – they study you by watching you, listening to you, etc. They look for low self esteem and neediness. Or they look for someone who is confident and all that so they can pick them apart and destroy them. Big shiny things for them and it attracts them like bees to honey. Then they test you. This means, they will feed you one little lie, which is actually a big one and see if you will bite? If you will just play down your own radar, dismiss it, second guess yourself and go right ahead with starry eyes and loving the lovebombing because it’s so so sweet, you can’t resist.
They test you also by seeing what you are ruled by? Is it your logical reasoning side of your brain or is it by your emotional, creative, magical thinking side of your brain? They need it to be the latter. They will move onto another victim if they don’t find this true. They won’t waste their precious time and energy because it’s just too much trouble for them. Predators want a quick kill in nature. Want to disable their prey quickly, same with human ones.
So if you show them you are operating with that side of your brain as far as a romance candidate is concerned and if you fly right by their little test of that one lie or untruth or red flag then the Hook is yanked and it is set. From here on in it’s just a matter of how adept he is at manipulating you once he has you on his hook. Most of them have been doing this since birth so they are very good and adept at it. It comes natural, is their first skin. Their second skin is the disguise they erect for you.
The disguise of course is put together from everything you have told them about yourself very early on. (big mistake) but we all do it. We think, omg, he is sooo interested in me! Listens so intently, asks me questions, he must love me!! No, actually he doesn’t and isn’t capable of it anyways but he wants you to think that, all the while he is gaining information about how to snow you. He becomes what you tell him you need and want. Temporarily anyways because the glitter does fall of that pony very very soon because it requires too much energy for them as predators to keep that going. All the energy in this relationship really needs to come from you now – chasing the ever moving carrot, getting less and less reward for anything and suffering the constant put downs, criticisms, monitoring, etc., all in the hopes that next time you’ll do it right or better so you can get that good lovebombing stuff he gave you in the beginning.
He will also align with you in so many of your hurts when you tell him about them early on. Oh Me Too!! I’ve been wronged as well! Let me tell you all my stories. Of course if you did your detective work you’d most likely find out how one-sided and untrue all those stories were but we’re not going to do that in the beginning since it kinda takes the romance glitter thing off the table.
Speaking of that – we do love to be sold to and every con artist knows that one. It’s the gambling thing in our brain that likes to take risks. Gets addicted to the game of winning and losing, winning and losing. Mostly losing but, eh, there’s always that adrenaline rush from – might just hit the jackpot this time! They know all this, instinctively. Don’t have to read a book about it, they just know. It’s what they do. How their brain works.
But since we have now aligned with them as in they are – a kindred spirit, then omg, if I point a finger at them then I am pointing a finger at me also because they are just like me! Uh, no they’re not but they like it when you think they are. All in the master plan here and one of the hardest things to pull out of us when we get away from them. How could they do this to me??? I never would!! The only way I would treat someone like this is because of something horrible the other person did!! So it must be all my fault!!
We assume from the very beginning when the hook is set in that we are one with them. They convince us of that when nothing could be farther from the truth. But it’s all cemented in us with the lovebombing, us being sold to so quickly so our decision has to be right and you’ll go to great lengths to prove to yourself that you were and he knows that. He knows you made this decision from the emotional side of your brain so he’s not worried very much about you reverting to critical thinking here. And if you do, he will swat you for it and hammer you back in place and yank that hook.
He also has to tear down your personhood in order for you and him to be “one”. That’s a must. Because once that is done, everything that goes on in your brain is about – him and his needs. You no longer exist unless he tells you you do or can. So no wonder we end up feeling like a collapsed wet paper bag in the end because our whole sense of self is just gone. We have only been existing so he can feed off of us.
And but of course we feel guilty because afterall, the whole responsibility for the relationship (which is really a tyranny) is built on you carrying the weight for everything. If he’s in a bad mood, it’s your fault, if something isn’t done, it’s your fault, if he gets angry and has an outburst, it’s your fault, if he’s having a bad day, it’s your fault and on and on it goes. He’s not responsible for anything except having to whip you back into shape because that’s his only job really. He’s up for it. Just ask him.
We have to use the logical/reasoning side of our brain and tell the emotional side to get in the backseat because that part isn’t going to be allowed to drive the car all the time. And it especially can’t drive the car when exiting an abusive relationship. Kinda like getting away from a con man who has stole all your money. You can’t go have a nice dinner now and talk shop about how he might want to do another deal with you and get you all involved emotionally again….no, wouldn’t be a good idea. You have to stay away from the ice cream man now.
They are good at what they do and like I keep saying – it’s natural to them and no, they are not like you, never were but you believing they were initially is the biggest hook of all and the reason why we have such a hard time separating ourselves from them. But, but, but – why and how could you do this? I never would or could!!! They aren’t like you. You’re the prey, they are the predator. You and people like you have good juice and they steal it because they either can’t or won’t make their own. They are parasites.
Once you truly “get” the whole thing of realizing that any union is about two wholes coming together, drinking the same wine but not from each other’s cup, standing together but not in each other’s shadow and never ever relinquishing your personhood for anyone – then you come to understand what love really is and what a union should really be about. It’s a partnership. And at any time you should be able to step back if boundaries are crossed and say – what’s up with that? And no, I’m not going to dismiss it. I’m standing very still actually and again, I want to know – what’s up with that?
It is your right to judge actually. I get so tired of hearing that you shouldn’t judge, blah, blah and Blah!! Actually you should, it’s called being discerning. Critically thinking. If you don’t make judgment calls in life and do your own due diligence about things then you’ll quickly end up in the gutter of life being trampled on and used by everyone. I have every right to judge and I do it often. Do I do it to demean people? Not at all but I do it because if I don’t then I am the bad guy in my own life for allowing someone to take me to the cleaners and they will. I think most likely predators came up with that saying in the first place – that you shouldn’t judge. LOL! Yeah, yeah, don’t judge me but I can sooo criticize You and demean you all day long, right? You have to gather information and call it. Of course you could be wrong, we all are from time to time but suspending that part of your brain just gives the magical thinking side free rein to believe in unicorns and fairies.
Anywho, that’s my rant for the day! Just throwing it in the pot here, seeing what your thoughts are? XX
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Well written Braelynn. Everything you have wrote makes complete sense xx
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OH good! So glad you guys liked it and hope it’s helpful to you. I kinda look it at like having a hammer and a chisel and going about chipping away the facade of what the abuse and the abuser has created around a person that has hardened into something the woman really isn’t but she’s become. The face on the outside might look all square jawed and yet underneath it’s oval. She may look short and yet she’s tall and so on. This is what happens to us. We can no longer look in the mirror and see ourselves accurately because we are looking at the mirror “they” are holding up for us and we see what they want us to see. Just like the so-called mind readers and magicians. But we love that stuff! Eat it up. Pay good money for it. It’s just – that’s okay for the entertainment thing every now and then but living your life like that – isn’t fun.
And once you start cracking that facade, guess what? Love this part!! It starts crumbling!! So many abusers go Uh-oh because they see it, they sense it and they get all jiggy with their bad selves and go bonkers trying to stop it. Truth is like that my friend. Once you apply a little bit of it, it’s potent. And I do hear an Amen from you ladies, right? LOL! It’s an avalanche then. But we have to be open to the truth and that’s key. When we are, a little dab will do ya! It’s ever so concentrated. Let the earthquakes and tsunamis begin! Let’s Rumble! Little tyrants btw, are very fear based people. They fear what’s powerful so, when you get ahold of that one, you will win out over them. Two can play that game. They feared you from the very beginning, that’s why they had to cripple you like they did.
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I also want to say too Ladies – that there is powerful stuff going on here. Some really really strong women are rising up here. Thing is and please don’t forget it, even if it’s one thing you say to another woman that changes her life, or to a man or a child – then that person goes out and touches how many more lives, it’s like a pebble in an ocean and those ripples go out and out and out. So your life matters, a great deal. You’re not just in an enclosed vacuum here and that’s what our predators would like us to be in and to think we are imprisoned in with no way out. It’s almost kinda like our predators “know” on some level just how powerful we really are should we ever get healed, get strong and then go Ohhhhhh, now I See You! Hm,m,m….am I going to cause you some trouble…. Because we are that other side of the equation here, that equal and opposite force except I think light, truth and anything or anyone life giving is wayyy more powerful that someone or something that is life taking, so eh, I think I have the lowdown on that equation. As long as we believe we don’t have any power however, then we don’t. But I’m seeing some real female warriors flexing their muscles these days on here and I’m getting all happy about that!!! All happy!
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Yep, got this very much- thank you. Not a relationship, a tyranny- exactly it.
Glad that you see spirit in forum Braelynn- I feel that too.
It has to be a place to share ups and downs of it all too though I think, so I am fighting but just lately I’m sharing real stuff from the other side too. Because I need to for support- I miss group support so much, to be real- even though I’ll always encourage getting out- I’d be disingenuous to say it isn’t still hard sometimes, to forewarn others so they can prepare and hopefully to reflect so we can learn and make a difference moving forward.
Who knows who else looks at these posts I guess?
They are able to be viewed, they are looked at by WA and so these are our voices, our experiences being shared and documented. This is evidence of the impact it has, it also highlights how indomitable survivors can be though, despite their abusers best attempts.
Think we were incredible humans for withstanding so much for so long?
Just see what we are capable of when released, when educated, restored and united…
Watch this SpaceSoulsearcher
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I think you absolutely should share like you have been doing Soulsearcher. It’s about being real, authentic because life is happening in many different ways with everyone here. Our lives are alike and they are not. Sometimes it’s just downright brutal and reality checks are very necessary. We have to be very wise indeed. And yes, yes, I agree with you about when we cut loose, just watch this space indeed!!
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I absolutely get this ‘hook’ so thank you once again – you mighty warrior! I have collapsed like a ‘wet paper bag’ now it is over. I am deflated. I had no independent thought unless he let me think it and strangely, I thought this was normal but now I have to learn to think and act for myself out of self-respect and not be afraid or anxious, and to get over the longing and the physical cravings and the loss. This is the hidden side of abuse. The recovery from addiction, the yearnings and grief, the aftershocks, the thought control that gradually has to be unlearned. The getting out, the getting sane, the getting well. The healing. That’s why we stay in denial. It is like being left behind on a distant planet with no protection but we find a rusty old spaceship we have to rebuild if we want to get back to Earth again and finally be safe. Oh, and we don’t even have a spanner, let alone a manual! Thats what people who have never experienced it don’t get – how hard it is to rebuild your self from the inside out. This forum is so important, the learning and validation is crucial, it is keeping me sane and functioning, a day at a time.
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I’m so glad it helped you! I keep looking for ways to explain things! XX
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