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I’m writing this here because a big part of me still isn’t sure if what I put up with is really abuse and not just bad decision making on my part.
Before we even moved in together the sex stuff started. Pestering me saying I wasn’t normal, all his mates took the p**s, blah blah. I felt the pressure but really didn’t want him to be my first so I slept with so I slept with different strangers every day for just less than a week and then got hammered and did it with him. I had to leave right after for work which is why I did it then. As soon as I had sex with him he started having sex when I was sleeping and I wake up with him doing it. This is the bit I find impossiblele to say……he used to do it anally to me as well. When I was asleep that wasn’t ‘that’ bad but if I was awake and he wanted that he’d be able to talk me into it but my body would reject it and I’d fight and he injured that part of my body which has never healed properly.
He was coercive and had all my money and I believed ridiculous things because he told me and in the end it was easier to believe what he believed so that it wouldn’t turn into something. In the end I had nothing to fight with and I believed that I didn’t love my baby because I heard it so often.
He’s messed with my head so much that I feel like saying any of this is betraying him and our relationship. I can’t believe I feel like this because he’s been abusive and controlling in the years and years since he ended it. I know our relationship wasn’t real. Other people say about getting love-bombed. I had none of that he just always hated me, sometimes he hated me a bit less. The reason I stayed was because I had a bad upbringing and so this perfect family was what I craved. I feel ashamed saying all this but I’ve got to try and get it out of my head or I can’t get better.
I told (well wrote it) the therapist and she said it helped her understand better why I behave like I do. I’m just not good at gauging how bad things are. I just want to forget it all. I can’t even sleep in my bed properly at the moment because it’s bringing back more s****y memories. -
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It is definitely abuse. If you’ve not read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, I would recommend it as the things you’re describing are ttaits/behaviours of the Dominator. A decent caring person wouldn’t treat another human being like that, much less one they were in a relationship with. I get the feeling that saying it’s abuse feels like a betrayal as I feel like that about my dad sometimes. You don’t owe this man anything though, he has hurt you in a number of ways and telling the truth of how it’s affected you is in no way a betrayal.
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That was so brave to write. I hope you feel ok that you’ve said it and its been heard.
It was abuse. Unconsensual sex is a crime, if you are asleep you have not consented, its a crime against you and sexual violation. You had resisted being sodomised yet still he has done it and hurt you, damaged you, permanently.
These are sex crimes for which should be going to prison.
Regardless of your life before him, he has still abused you. That is not your fault.
He didn’t abuse you because of who you are, but because of who he is and what he believes.
He doesn’t love women and you want love and a chance at a happy family.
He hates women, thats who he is.
Your life and upbringing may have made you not like yourself much at times, which may have made gis job a bit easier, to make you doubt yourself and believe he had rights over your body that he didn’t, but he’s still the one abusing.
Your body is only yours, always, and only yours, to share when you want, and only when you want, and you have every right to withdraw, at any time, from any one.
You are right, he is wrong, he thinks its ok to commit some of the worst crimes against women, and hates them.
Take care of yourself and trust your gut, it was telling you it wasn’t right, believe yourself.
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It’s definitely abuse. No one deserves to be treated that way. And it’s normal to doubt yourself.
My ex didn’t love bomb either. Nor did he keep the abuse secret. After the first year, he hated me all the time and didn’t care who knew it. He never sexyally abused me or stopped me going anywhere. But I know for sure that he was controlling and emotionally and physically abusive. They don’t all 100% fit the mould, but it doesn’t lessen what they do or how much it hurts.
It’s time to do things for you. Just a few nice things to look forward to. I was always told ‘baby steps’ on here and that really is the best advice.
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