The mind games and children

[Getmylifeback]

Bear with me, this might be a long one…

I feel so torn today.

(detail removed by moderator) I told him it was definitely over and I didn’t live him like a wife should and cannot see a way back. I told him even talking to him makes me feel anxious and stressed sometimes so how can I even think about giving him that chance he says he deserves to show me he’s changed.

I’m living with the kids in a rental property and old banger car as I ran away with pretty much just our clothes and kids toys whilst he was in rehab for alcohol and prescription drugs issues.

I was on verge of z breakdown when I left. I’ve been out (detail removed by moderator), kids seemed to have settled down until today.

Phone call this morning from him pleading fur me to give him a chance, me explaining how I feel and saying I can’t even contemplate it at the moment and feeling so stressed. I am wondering if it’s some firm of PTSD as he keeps saying j drag up the past yes yes but I just can’t help it. Don’t trust him, how can j risk it going back to how it was.

He’s now off everything but has still when he s couple sides of paranoia and controlling.

Today in front of kids he asked me to go fur lunch with them, I said no as I was busy the kids get upset begging me to go so I end up feeling I have no choice I’ve told him this is unfair and I’m not having it he just said if he hadn’t he knew I wouldnt have gone!
I’ve had my son in tears saying I’ve ruined his life as I need to try to see his dad has changed now he’s off the tablets as he’s not mardy anymore and lives me. I’ve tried to explain there’s more to it than arguing but I can’t go into it and he was sobbing saying I’m selfish and not thinking of him. I then have my daughter (who is ykunger) saying she prefers it this way.
.
Business of house cane up and he said  i won’t get a penny so i can w/o away with nothing or go to war. Then next breath he apparently knows I live him and he will never give up!

I don’t know which way to turn! 🙄

[diymum@1]

you sound like you are triggering and no wonder – im not a psychologist but maybe you have PTSD im not sure if i have but when im triggered i go into panic melt down xx dont meet him – the kids dont really understand whats at play here. they will understand as they grow older that your protecting them. your doing your job as their mum and your doing great btw 🙂 i remember your storey from before. let you son know he can see his dad but it has to be on safe ground and on your terms. you are the responsible one over his father. his actions have brought you to this situation, hes using the kids to coerse you but this is what these men do. see it for what it is and put your foot down gently as far as your son xxxx

[KIP.]

He’s actually admitted using the kids emotional welfare to make you come with them for lunch. He admits emotionally blackmailing the children. Watching them get upset just to get his own way. This is a small taste of what’s to come. You need to have zero direct contact with him. Use a third party for handovers. The children don’t understand emotional abuse, you need to be their guardian. If it persists I would refuse access. He would then need to go to court and apply for access. Him being a substance abuser and already emotionally abusing your children won’t look good. Keep a details journal of his behaviour and do not believe a word he says. It’s delusional nonsense so don’t get dragged into his crazy. Remember the reasons your left x

[Flowerchild]

He really has lobbed a grenade into the situation here, darling!

You may just need to avoid situations where he can confront you in front of the children in future, I think.

As for saying you’ll get nothing in a split, that’s nonsense and he knows it. You will be likely to be entitled to stay in the ‘marital home’ if you have the children living with you and he will have to go on supporting the children of course.

Arrangements for contact with his children can be made that mean you don’t need to have him come over the thresholdnor see you at all.

Don’t worry any more than you can help, lovely; he is talking up a storm of distracting flak, that’s all. It means nothing.

As for your son, a quiet but firm and clear chat when he’s calm and listening would help him to understand that you have no plans to get back with his father and your reasons are things he won’t really understand until he is older. He just had to trust you to look out for your and their best interests because you love them.

Stay strong,

Flower x

[diymum@1]

have a look at the book when dad hurts mum – by lundy bancroft it offers great ways to confront this situation and what to say to the kids. just enough to help them understand and to help them protect themselves from him and his manipulation and not too much info xx its a fine line

[Getmylifeback]

Thanks everyone. (detail removed by moderator) just topped it off, got home and kids were laughing and joking in the car then outside my house was flowers and a card (detail removed by moderator). What the actual f**k!
The card basically said how much he loves nd and isn’t giving up on me etc.

My son went into meltdown as daddy is trying so hard to apologise and I’m just not even bothered and I’m ruining his life.

I ended up going onto more detail to try to explain and said lots of other stuff had happened and that his behaviour had made me feel poorly. I tried to explain it like if his best friend was horrible to him for a long time would be want to be friends with him. He said he’d just deal with it and I said yes exactly, that’s what I’ve done, dealed with it.

My son was so upset and said his anger is getting really bad and he was worried he would hurt his sister (who was chirping on backing my corner). I feel so bad for him, it’s
blowing his brain 😪

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