The nuts and bolts of leaving

[abcxyz]

I’m just waking up to the fact that my partner has been verbally and emotionally abusive for years, and that what I thought was normal really isn’t. Everything has sort of settled down (back to the daily stuff rather than the big shouting/swearing scene) since his last outburst but I need to get things sorted in my head so that if/when it happens again I’ve got my head together. I realise that I will need to seek independent advice, but in the meantime:

1. I can’t imagine me telling him that I want to separate. He would go totally nuts. However, I can’t imagine how I would explain to the kids that we are just going somewhere else for a bit – they would be totally confused and very upset. There is NO WAY he would leave what he sees as “his house” (it is in joint names) and I can’t just serve up an occupation order over breakfast. Is there any way of doing it that is the equivalent of a magic wand?!!!

2. He is a good dad. However, in (detail removed by moderator) years, he has never got up for the kids in the night (normally doesn’t hear them), never looked after them all for more than an afternoon, never looked after them when they were ill, never done any homework with the older ones, only cooked for them a handful of times, never washed up, only unstacked the dishwasher/put the bins out/ironed a shirt less than 5 times over this (detail removed by moderator)  years … he is “fun dad” and the other stuff doesn’t come into it for him. …and when they all get noisy or overexcited he can go totally nuts at them. How does that work if it came to custody? I want the kids to see him, but definitely not overnight by himself .. will any of this help my cause?? Do I need to gather evidence or anything to prove things like this, as it is hard to prove (tho he can’t deny any of it).

Any experience of anything similar?! xx

[godschild]

Hi, Not had any experience of this myself but i have heard that when you decide ot leave the abuse can get danegerous so get advise and dont tell him. Have yo got a WA worker to meet up with , call the helpline and see what help is available area. My childen are grown and left home now but my husband never helped with homwork or anything like that that he left it all to me xx

[bunsandcakes]

Hi there,

This sounds so familiar I am afraid. I have, with the help of womens aid, managed to say Im leaving now. However its one step forward, 3 back. We seem to fall back into daily grind of life in the house together as financially we cant sell the house yet, I cant afford to leave, he wont as he paid for the house and has a business here. I found 2 flats and both fell through.

I’ve kind of come to a broader acceptance of the situ now. What you describe about being a good dad etc is what Ive been saying but the last 2/3 days… Ive realised that actually, that isnt being a GOOD DAD. My partner can’t read our kids. He snaps at them easily. He doesnt do the night shifts. He doesnt do the mornings. He doesn’t buy food shops or cook dinners with their needs in mind. He wont take them both at the same time because its too much hard work. He makes promises to the kids then doesnt keep them because he’s tired or has too much on or whatever. Thats not being a good parent. That isnt.

I don’t have any answers because Im as scared about it all as you are but I would say that it seems to be part of the behaviour we’ve adapted to learn to cope… we keep excusing their behaviour and saying there are various reasons for X, Y And Z and not wanting to hurt them or make them angry. Thats not right.

Have courage. I send hugs and my love. It’s impossibly impossibly hard. But it is possible, we will make it through and into a better life.

[abcxyz]

Thank you both .. early days so haven’t called WA yet, but I will …. @bunsandcakes … you are right and your parenting situations sound exactly the same as mine….I think I spend so much time making excuses and have always been “oh, well it works for us .. he works so hard etc etc” but you’re right that he can’t read them at all and if he’s not getting what he wants then it’s like having an even bigger grumpier kid around the place. I guess all we can do is gather our strength and stay positive 🙂 x*x

[bunsandcakes]

Yes completely. I often feel like he is another child and I have just learned to live around HIS needs and completely ignore my own. Its really upsetting and painful to make these realisations but I keep telling myself its better to know and have some of my adult life to make things good for myself rather than reaslise at 70 odd that I ruined my own life by staying with an abusive partner.

[abcxyz]

With you on that 🙂 ….. I do try and put my needs out there sometimes, but am made to feel very selfish for it …. now I realise that it’s not me being selfish at all … sounds like a similar situation to you x*x

[SilkyHalide]

I cannot advise strongly enough you get support from WA and other local DV teams.
The first time I asked for separation he forced me into a very unbalanced situation with telling the kids to control their reaction and make him appear the victim in their eyes.
Second time he turned on the charm and told me everything would change, he would change.
Third time seemed more amicable but he had been brainwashing the kids since the previous separation
And now they live with him and he keeps using them to attack me. I have to pay him maintainance dispite his salary being almost twice mine.

[abcxyz]

oh that’s just horrible. Poor you. The justice system scares me a bit when I hear about cases like that. He is away tonight and I am writing a document outlining dates of each incident, things said, ongoing comments etc – to help me clarify my thoughts a bit. Makes me realise how things have got worse and how he is really mean. I hope you get to see your children as much as possible – that must be heart breaking x*x

[abcxyz]

List made! … I have compiled 13 pages of accounts, text messages and emails which highlight the ongoing situation … and I have realised that he really isn’t all that nice afterall. I think I’m hanging on to the security and what used to be happiness. Feel pleased that I have it all down on paper. Just a bit worried that it wouldn’t count for much in court 🙁 .. need to research that next xx

[godschild]

Good for you making the list, it will clarify to you the truth of what he is doing, if you doubt yourself go backto the list xx

[Mellowyellow]

Just reading your situation which is very similar to mine. Just the fun dad, never helped with night feeds, doesn’t give her dinner or bath or nappy change.
That’s great you have evidence. I don’t have any unfortunately.
You’re doing great 🙂 soon be free abcxyz x*x

[Tuppance]

Hi – this is similar to me . Whilst the house is in joint names he still considers that HE works although we both ran our business together until I took a back seat (detail removed by Moderator) ago. I was totally exhausted and, having been refused maternity leave by him, I finally quit work when our business was bought. I don’t want to be unreasonable and his social status and image are so important to him that I would be happy to move out, with the children but I can’t rent as I have no income and I can’t buy. He has already proven that he cannot be trusted to deal with this sensibly and respectfully – he is being ‘best’ dad at the moment, winning popularity whilst I am so tired of all this that I am portrayed as the grumpy mum. Up until last year he had never looked after the kids on his own overnight. He often breaks promises to the kids ( the pub always wins). He doesn’t do anything with ten
Apart from the cinema because he doesn’t have to do too much if they are watching a film. He gets to watch to with them whilst I cook and clean – he gets the laughs and it makes me sad. How can I protect my kids and seperate. I know it’s the right thing to do for them and I – would it be easier if he were a violent monster? At least people would believe me and have tangible proof of his behaviour. Grrr …

[bunsandcakes]

Hi Tuppance, That is kind of the thing I struggle with though when I said I wanted to seperate things DID escalate (as everyone tells you it will) so he said some things to my family that were threatening and even his own mother and he did punch my arm and leave a big bruise so I now have that. However… I feel such a huge guild for painting him as an abuser. Its the thing I struggle with most. I have the same situ re: co owning a home and would have to be the one to leave with the kids but have no real income (I do but its tiny). Its the most trapping, claustrophobic feeling in the world. Having to live every day with someone who is horrible to you and belittles you in front of your kids while you have to continue to say what a great daddy they are etc for the sake of your kids and you feel like you have nowhere to turn. Sometimes I realise I havent eaten in 3 days with stress! Im just not hungry! Im stuck in a limbo atm and feel full of questions as you appear to be too. Questions which really dont have a simple answer.

[WalkerInTheRain]

Have you looked at an occupation order?
If you have evidence of his abuse, you could have him excluded from the family home. It can be applied for at the same time as an injunction.
It’ll certainly rock the boat but will protect your interests while assets are divided.

[abcxyz]

I was going to look at an occupation order but was scared of him going nuts, and it also felt a bit soon to throw that grenade into the mix. What I have found the most helpful is reading as much as I can about everything, speaking to everyone here, and a few close friends, so that now I feel much stronger within. When he shouts, or throws a wobbly I don’t cry anymore … I still get that horrid nervous feeling in my tummy but I feel stronger. I have made an apt to see a solicitor, just to inform myself about my rights, and how it all works. I figure that the more informed I am, the less he can get inside my head. Appreciate all your support ladies. None of us deserve any of this x*x

[Author]

Posts