The past is gone. The now is now. The future will be here in a minute.

[Anabela]

It is 3 lines from a song I love (by Lukas Graham). How I feel right now could go to positive moments but equally it is a life after abusive relationship.
Something very big has happened. Right after I left my ex (or in order to run away from him) I chose quite extreme path – I enrolled into masters full time as well as working full time. I hated it. I hated it every single day. I felt such an enormous anger towards it. Since I had to give up my free time, quality sleep, hobbies, gym etc, I felt masters is treating me same way HE treated me. I almost saw masters as a person that I directed my hatred towards.I probably saw it as HIM. I felt suicidal writing my thesis. But I did it. I finished it. I have defended my thesis and I have a masters degree that no one can take away from me. And oh boy, how proud I feel right now. How happy that I did study and did not quit.

What’s more, now I see masters as a journey and therapy in some way. The first year I felt such a damaged good. I felt uncomfortable around other students, unworthy somehow, unequal. I felt my story is written on my forehead and I felt judged, although nobody knew stuff about me and nobody judged me. The second year came and we had more group projects. I felt sick with nerves thinking how my group members (males) must hate having to do the project with me and how they must be thinking what a stupid girl I am. We did a few group projects together. And eventually I realized that nobody is thinking I am stupid. They were asking for my opinion. I did start to feel more comfortable around people of my age. And then I had to write my thesis which we were given 3 months only. I was sure I will fail. Every time I met my supervisor I was so stressed and nervous because I was sure he was gonna think I am stupid. I had a 3 weeks breakdown when I not wrote a single sentence (and 3 weeks out of 3 months given is quite a lot). Regardless, I finished on time. And the day of the defense (when we had to give a presentation and answer questions) was one of the best days in the years after I left HIM. I had a make up done, hair done, nice dress bought specifically for this occasion. What’s more, I was confident because I knew my thesis. It was also the first time (in my life) when I prepared a presentation without writing myself a speech. I was able to be fluent from the bullet points I put on a slide. I think I sounded confident. And for me this day marks the end of this transitional period of recovery from trauma. Yes, i am still full of insecurities and fears. I still miss him occasionally. I still think people who get married are insane. BUT I am hopeful of my future. Since I was always good at studying, I proved to myself now that he did not take that part of me. I am still me. Just wiser. A bit older and still young. I have dreams and ambitions. And I have a future ahead of me. A bright one 🙂 What’s more I am slowly starting to believe that bad people are an exception rather than a rule.

[lover of no contact]

Wow Anabela that is amazing. Well done to you. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. That is also such a creative way of using the “difficult time with all its myriad of thoughts and feelings” into something positive for us. That was such a creative healing step for you to take literally on day 1 without him for the whole year. What a good way to spend the No Contact 1st year away from him. And you took your feelings out on your Masters lol but now in return you have a great achievement. It was a real therapy and distraction as you say as you had to have your mind off of him. So very well done!! You have also shown us another well to put in the No Contact 1st year. I’d say it was tough to persevere, to not give up/pack it in. But sure we learn to do that with our abusers. I persevered with the abusive relationship when I should have long given up, given in, packed him in. All of us on here have plenty of perseverance when the going gets tough.

So glad you shared this and please keep sharing your thoughts and feelings. As u say “the future will be here in a minute”

[HopeLifeJoy]

I am so pleased for you that you kept going, you can be so proud, what an achievement Anabela! Wow!

I understand so well to feel stupid, I have very low self-esteem and don’t think I can achieve anything decent. But another voice is telling me to try, try just try! I think the latter voice will eventually win 😌

Well done, goodness, this is such good news, I’m loving it! Celebrate and enjoy your success!👏👩‍🎓

[Anabela]

Thank you both for the nice comments 🙂 🙂
If not for this masters I think I would have gone back to him very quickly. But having this commitment (financial especially as the studies were expensive and I did not want my parents to have wasted the tuition fee) let me focus on other things rather than him and pushed me forward when my heart wanted to go backwards.

HopeLifeJoy, this low self-esteem thing is so annoying to have. But it’s good that there is another voice quitely nagging you 😉 And it’s powerful!!!

[Author]

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