The quality of the men I attract makes me feel bad about myself

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I was thinking today about how awful the quality of the men I have attracted in the past few years and how it makes me feel bad about myself, that I can’t attract a good, normal, caring man. That if I can only attract awful men there must be something really offputting about me that I repel good men.

Years ago I had a lovely non-abusive, kind, caring boyfriend but I ended things because I knew in my heart I wasn’t in love, I was very sad and I didn’t enjoy sex with him all that much, I always had to pretend to be more attracted to him than I was. I always believed that I would go on and meet someone as caring as him but who I was also attracted to and vice versa. Sort of like he was my base line in terms of the basic qualities I’d expect in a partner such as kindness, support, good listener, caring, funny, good communicator, honest and loyal.

Unfortunately, since him I have met an endless stream of the most awful, horrendous, vile men. Each year the standard has deteriorated noticeably. Before I met my abusive ex I’d been on dating sites and had had dates with men who turned up with poor hygiene, bad and even missing teeth(!), bad breath, not showered, shaved or changed, or they ended up being sleazy, or pompous and rude, or had lied about their height, or looked totally different to their photos. One even admitted to being married on our date! I think he wanted me to be his mistress. It was just so, so depressing to suffer YEARS of this, especially since I always see attractive well put togoether polite and educated men out and about who are despairingly always already in relationships. I felt so relieved when I met my recent abusive ex because he appeared to have the baseline qualities plus there was chemistry. It was just so horrific when I realised it had all been a lie and he was wearing a mask to cover his true, abusive, lying, cheating self. He was the worst man I dated in so many ways and was even dangerous, after a long string of so many depressingly awful men.

What is going on here and why have I met so many awful men? Is it something to do with me, or is it simply that most men lack basic hygiene, manners and morals? How come other women have lovely partners but I am always either alone or (without sounding mean) dating some absolute dreg of society? I feel like it must mean that I am somehow broken, that the good men won’t go near me.

I think I’m not confident enough to attract healthy men. I see the women they date and they are often fairly ordinary looking but tend to be more confident and carefree with good jobs and they don’t look shy or anxious. I think they meet these women out socialising whereas I don’t socialise much due to introversion and anxiety and I tend to get all awkard and shy if I meet a man I like and maybe come across as a bit strange. Many times when I have tried to be friendly to men I have met socialising they are rude and abrupt and shut me down and I get approached by the weirdos or the abusers. I just don’t understand what is going on and I’ve had enough of it, I feel like something needs to change, I cannot bear this pattern anymore, I feel like I’ve been going round in circles for years and I have absolutely had enough of endless dating disappointment. But I have no idea how to change it?

I wish I could raise my confidence and self esteem, not just for dating but for life in general. It seems very hard to change.

Have any of you felt like this? Do you think it’s a subconcious thing, ie. because I was bullied and emotionally abused as a child I am fearful and anxious as an adult which repels healthy men and attracts abusers, psychopaths, sociopaths, n*********s and other creeps?

[maddog]

Oh Sunshine, (((((HUGS))))). I too had a c**p childhood of bullying and emotional abuse. I really thought when I met my husband that I had won the lottery. The flags were all there and I was waving back.

Please don’t blame yourself for what happened in the past. You had no control over your upbringing. I developed a serious eating disorder and severe depression, and met my husband after years of treatment and when I had achieved the first thing in my life that I recognised as an achievement.

I haven’t been on dating websites. I know people lie through their teeth though (if they’ve got any left). You are doing well to recognise a pattern. That in itself is the beginning of change.

I used to have a chart for the children and would write in whenever they did the right thing, whatever it was, from laying the table to saying hello, and when they did something unpleasant. I look at it now and there were very few unpleasant incidents and pages of good stuff. I know it’s a CBT sort of thing. It does help to keep things in perspective.

Have you looked at the NACAP website? There are so many people like us who have suffered terribly and who’s lives have been affected by abuse.

Are there things that you enjoy? The things I am writing are also things I will have to really put into practice. I’m looking for a way out and treading on eggshells.

[Tiffany]

I have come to the conclusion that I have a tendency to be attracted to men with ‘issues’ which I am going to have to try and quash. Only one abuser so far, but I am still determined that my next partner will not have a life ruled by issues! I probably can’t avoid issues altogether as we all develop more as we get older. I have a few of my own, some from the abuse, some from my disability which I developed shortly before I met my abuser. I think that some kind of vulnerability and low self esteem attracts these guys, but so does empathy if my experience and what I have read here are any indication. Obviously you don’t want to stop being empathetic, so I guess that is why learning the signals of abuse is so important for avoiding it in the future.

I think in terms of vulnerability and lack of self confidence – they don’t necessarily put good men off. I have a friend who is the nicest man imaginable. He has dated a long series of women with disabilities, anxiety problems and commitment issues. I think that the one with commitment issues was the only one that he broke up with – and quite frankly she sounded worryingly controlling. Saying that I think vulnerability can shine out and attract abusers like moths to a light. People who are already vulnerable are easier to subjugate.

I wouldn’t rule out love and commitment from your future life. You have had it tough with the abuse and obviously still living with your mother won’t be helping at the moment. I think things may well settle down and get easier once you are living in your new flat. Maybe steer clear of the dating scene until you are in a bit of a better place then see what happens? This is my plan!

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

There is nothing off putting about u, u just havent met the one yet, i dont think there was nothing wrong in the fact that u ended your relationship with the guy u was not attracted to and didnt enjoy the sex. I too look at couples and think how did some of the not so even good looking people attract the nicest guys ever, again there are some guys that are so nice as a person but i feel zero atrraction to them, i too have tried the dating sites and its shocking how ugly some of the men are, or how they just want sex out of u and sadly the ones u do like dont reply or if they do , again just after sex. I remember this one guy replied but when he sent a recent photo , was totally diffeerent. I cant help it but i observe men very closely whether they realize it or not, my radars r on full alert in sense to the comments they make and their body language, sometimes i find its just better to be friends with these guys, i get putt off very quickly , just keep looking and know what u want hun. I find i always get attracted to the bad guys but have decided i am fed up of having my heart broken, again have loads of younger guys approach me , but sorry even though they are so nice and charming, i just cant give them a chance, prob my own insecurties sinking in again. SOmeone said to me these absuers can see how emphatic we are and are attracted to that , prob so they can take advantage and break us, it actually puts me off that im so emphatic now, but hey thats me and im not going to change for anyone, some days i think i will just be on my own, i dont know, but i know im not settling for second best, who ever comes into my life, i have to feel attracted to them and they damm well have to respect me which i think is a mutual thing on both sides otherwise i’ll stay single . they say love yourself first and know what u want first , that way u nwont let some guy mis treat u .i too like u have met guys that just want tu tobe mistress and treat u as a sex object,, ive just given up on how these men think, from being sex active i dont knwo how i got to zero sex

[Ayanna]

For me that is clearly an issue which has its roots in my abusive childhood.
I stay away from men and focus on myself.
I am very busy with myself and my health problems.
I am also clued up about abusive traits and I can detect abusive traits in most men. I made the decision that there is no more space for any abusive behaviour of any kind in my life anymore.
Zero tolerance of abuse means zero tolerance of men for me.

[Author]

Posts