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My partner hasn’t spoken to me for several days now . I asked if he’d put the kids to bed the other day as I was exhausted, he pulled a face and I said to him I felt it was unfair he never just helps with anything in the house or with our kids . He will sulk for days and then I end up getting cross and raising my voice saying that I cannot live like this- that we need communication. When I do this he accuses me of shouting and screaming – which I’m not, I’m just raising my voice in frustration trying to make him talk . I calmly said to him (detail removed by Moderator) please can we sort things out now , he ignored me ,I carried on with things I needed to do (detail removed by Moderator) then approached it again , said to him that we need to sort things out , explained that I can’t live like this , all the tension and not speaking to each other it’s no good for anyone but he blames me for everything . I explained that sometimes I need help with things around the house and the kids, that I don’t expect much, I don’t mind doing most of it but I am particularly tired right now but he refuses to acknowledge my feelings and makes out as if I’m just on at him & he tells me that he works more hours than me so I shouldn’t expect anything else basically . I got quite upset and we argued for a short while , I said again that I cannot live like this and he then stormed out . He’s since text saying he won’t be around this (detail removed by Moderator) and for me to get someone else to have the kids (he knows I don’t have anyone to babysit)which now means I’m worried I won’t be able to go to work.
He constantly makes subtle little remarks too eg says things like I’m always on (detail removed by Moderator) . Of an evening I do look at my phone quite a bit as he puts things on tv that don’t interest me and I’ve explained this . I know it’s not much but he says it all the time and I feel like I’ve constantly got to justify myself. If a friend calls and im on the phone for more than 10 minutes he’ll make comments about me always being on the phone, tells me it’s “sad” and asks what on earth would I have to talk about for that long ! Tells me im ignoring him for my phone etc . I explain to him that women like to have a natter sometimes and that I never go out to socialise so it’s not really fair. I often just ignore my phone if it rings because I don’t want to create tension and make things difficult . If anyone ever invites me to attend any kind of social event I always decline because he doesn’t like me going out and makes it more or less impossible for me to do so . Although he wouldn’t admit this.
I feel like I do a lot for my family to keep things going , I deal with all of the housework , the school runs which is (detail removed by Moderator) each way – on foot , I work part time and some days I walk 10+ miles a day as my job requires a lot of travelling around locally . (I don’t drive) . Days when I am home I clean and catch up with washing etc the house is a full time job in itself I feel ! . I deal with all of the finances , bills everything. Our children can be extremely challenging behaviour-wise but I feel I have no support from him for any of it . I feel like a single mum but with him just living with me sometimes. all he does is put me down and make out like I’m lazy and that all I do is sit around but it isn’t true . Does this sound abusive ? He makes me feel like it’s all me that I’m the one in the wrong . I don’t know what’s what anymore -
He’s using Silent Treatments to punish you. It’s textbook abuse. I’m sure there will be other behaviours that demonstrate abuse. It’s hard to unpick at first, and a massive shock to realise that the person we chose to share our life with isn’t the person they first presented to us. Please seek real life help through your local women’s Aid. They should be able to help both you and the children. Baby steps. It’s quite a trip!
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Yes it sounds abuse, the silent treatment is a common tactic. You getting frustrated and shouting could be reactive abuse and twisting it onto being your fault sounds like gaslighting. They love to know we rely on them then let us down, like he’s doing with the kids. Watching only what he wants on tv and sniping at you for doing something else is another tactic, I couldn’t look at my phone, read a book, do jobs etc. It’s all to get control – so you stop answering your phone, stop going out & seeing anyone but him, stop arguing back. Don’t waste your energy trying to talk & fix things, he’ll be enjoying making you uncomfortable. My advice is to do your own thing with the kids, he’ll decide when he’s ready to stop sulking but then, as you probably know he’ll expect you to forget what’s happened like magic. Sounds like you’ve come to the right place x
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Banana boat you are so right he does just expect me to forget it all . Every single time . I try so hard to just let it go and carry on for the children’s sake but I’m struggling to at the moment. I know it’s abusive and toxic the way he behaves , I don’t know why I ask, he still after all these years makes me doubt myself so much .I’ve spent years dealing with this- I have left him before, numerous times and I have been in touch with my local womens aid in the past . we were separated for quite a long time a little while back but during that time he still made my life incredibly hard he refused to speak to me or see the kids for months and then eventually he decided he wanted to see them but things were so, so hard, everything was on his terms . it’s hard to explain but in the end I came to the conclusion it was better for them to have him back- that my life was still a misery anyway, the kids were missing him loads so I may as well have him at home . No one understands, everyone says “just leave” and if I didn’t have children with him I would but it’s just not that easy. I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t do co-parenting like a normal father would. All communication goes out the window . He doesn’t respect anything I say . Crosses every boundary and I just cannot reason with the man. He won’t help me financially , he’d sooner leave his job and go off the radar than pay me child maintenance, he won’t consistently see the kids and when he does he’ll make things so difficult . They’ll be devastated if I put them through another break up . I love them and care about them so much and I feel whatever I do I’m letting them down .I don’t know what to do I’m so trapped
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It’s so difficult. Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship. These people become far more dangerous when they know the game’s up. It takes time and careful planning to leave. I hope your local Women’s Aid is helpful. You may also find support from your local police. Social Services can offer support if they don’t consist entirely out of cardboard cutouts. It’s so difficult for the children and his behaviour is their normal, even when really it’s not. The children will need help and support. Separation and divorce is horrible at the best of times. When cutting ties with an abuser, the whole thing just has bells on. Masses of them.
There are a few legal support lines for people escaping abuse. Really worth tapping into. You’re not alone. The larger world may not understand abuse. There are enough of us here and in real life who do, and who’ll hold your hand and support you.
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