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I wanted to share this recent experience, partly as it made me stop to question myself, but more to highlight how easily this can happen and hopefully help others.
I was planning another date with someone I’d met, and having had some very open conversations around sex previously (led by him), I decided it best to state on the day that I didn’t want that during my first visit to his home after all, just to get to know each other better this time. (He’d invited me to stay given the distance I’d be travelling).
He was annoyed and said this wasn’t going to work because I was being manipulative. I was shocked, started to analyse my behaviour, regretted entertaining particular conversations, then had to make a concerted effort to recognise it was my choice and my right to change my mind.
The change in tone was a surprise, especially that he was willing to argue with me about it over messages, whilst stating it wasn’t about the sex (or lack of).
What do others make of this? It definitely reminds me of interactions I’ve had with men over the years, but I’m curious, was there anything I did that was wrong?
At the same time, I feel sure of myself, and no I did not meet him and won’t speak to him again.
The confusion though, how easily that happens!
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Spiritedaway Thank you so much!
It felt so uncomfortable I won’t pretend otherwise, but I had to slow down and ask myself, do I choose uncomfortable now in asserting my boundary or, uncomfortable in his home trying to do the same thing/stop sex.
Then I realised, that losing the date (which was also suggested/threatened) was really no loss at all. Keeping clarity and realising I did not have to justify myself, kept me from compromising my safety and happiness.
I do feel proud that I’ve taken a massive step thank you. And I had a very peaceful, lovely, evening alone that day!
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