The wrong dinner

[TinkaBella]

So it all kicked off (detail removed by Moderator) over a meal. He’s been working hard all day to come home to absolute s**t, can’t cook won’t cook he says to me, can’t even boil a f***ing egg. That’s not true, perhaps the fact he makes me so nervous has something to do with me always messing up. So did he over react or should i have done better?

[queenmaeve]

He overreacted, how dare he say that to you! I would have told him to cook his own, its not you.

[KIP.]

It’s not about the meal. The meal is just an excuse to abuse you. You could be the most perfect partner and he would just abuse you over that. Abusers abuse because they enjoy making you feel small and insecure and destroying your confidence. That makes them feel good. Abuse always gets worse. Don’t get distracted trying to change or work out what you have or haven’t done wrong. It doesn’t matter. It’s abuse for the sake of abuse. I got abused over shopping, a wobbly table leg, a fridge magnet. And on and on I went trying to prevent his next outburst, always trying to keep the peace but he simply moved the goal posts and Carried on abusing. Run for the hills, run fast and don’t look back before he destroys you completely x

[Wiseafter]

Had this quite a bit – food and meals seemed a common trigger point. Tantrums, sulking, pushing away food or poking it around the plate like a small child, refusing to eat what I had prepared because he ‘didn’t feel like it.’ even if it took me hours to make. I used to lose my mind!! One of the things I enjoy now is eating what I want, when I want. Relishing freedom from the cook/clean/rage/sulk/repeat cycle. Agree with KIP, abuse isn’t about the event that just happened, its about his belief that he is entitled to control you, put you down, use you as an emotional punch bag and train you to meet his needs – or else.

[Camel]

Hi TinkaBella

Everyone’s comments are so right. It’s never about what they say it is.

He says you’re a sh*t cook so you get caught up in defending, explaining, promising, apologising. You’re blind-sided by his rage. You’re off balance. It’s unlikely that you’re given the mental space to step back, tell him that he has no right to treat you like hired help.

Instead, next time you shop you’ll be thinking really hard about what he likes to eat. Next time you cook you’ll be trying extra hard not to f*ck it up.

And then he’ll find something else to rant about. It will be absolutely anything, absolutely nonsensical, absolutely unreasonable.

As you’re still at the questioning stage, write down every incident like this. Record what he said, what you said, how it affected what you did afterwards. Whether he stormed off, gave you the silent treatment. Whether he apologised with a gift or you had ‘make up’ sex. You need to recognise that his behaviour and your responses follow a pattern.

[Author]

Posts