Therapy kinda making me feel like it is my fault

[Shazza]

Hi all,

Sorry for posting alot recently, trying to support myself as much as I can and you ladies are very knowledgeable.
I have a therapy related question. I have a great therapist who I have seen in the past for something different and who helped me immensely.
I have gone back to them over recent months to support me with leaving the abusive relationship and coming to terms with all that happened. We have a really good relationship and I feel I can trust the therapist.
Having said that, over the last couple of sessions he has said a few things which make me feel like the abuse is all my fault. For example, he will often remind me that someone can’t make me feel a certain way I.e. guilty, and that it is something within me (he often refers to the inner child) that experiences and takes on this feeling. He says that if the inner child was ok I would not feel guilty or all the other emotions that I feel about the relationship as the grown up part of me would be able to see that things aren’t my fault.
He also said that if I had a healthy inner child I would have left years ago and wouldnt have stayed as long as I did. He reiterates that its due to this inner child not being ok that I have allowed myself to stay in this situation for so long.
He often says that it isn’t about my ex sometimes but about working on myself so that I am not as affected by what he does and has done.

I don’t know what to think of this. I do understand that I am responsible for my own feelings and emotions, but I have come away feeling like it is all my fault and that he somehow isn’t responsible for any of the things he has done, cos I should have been emotionally healthier and able to bat it away or deal with it better. I feel like some of the really bad stuff that happened is my fault now cos I wasn’t strong enough to walk away sooner.
I have already been blaming myself and this has kind of added fuel to the fire.

I feel so confused. Any thoughts on this?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Shazza

Please don’t feel the need to apologise for posting, its always here for you, as are we all for each other. Its good that you have posted to express your worries, and I am cross for you that you have been told this, as its simply not true, and I would suspect he doesn’t have trauma/abuse training.

It seems to me that his answer to ‘why don’t women leave then’ would be ‘well thats their fault’ type of glib, and uncomplex response.

There are some very strong women on here who, at the end of the day are humans who all come with vulnerabilities of some sort, and he seems to reflect a sense of any woman being perfectly equipped to deal with someone who threatens and bullies continually, he hasn’t realised the way a woman has to adapt her behaviour to stay safe. That is the point of coercive control, we come to a place of fear, which may never have been in our lives beforehand.

This therapist may well have been able to help you with other issues, but it doesn’t mean he’s the perfect fit for your recovery from this. Emotional blackmail can be very powerful in controlling us. What he is assuming is that you take part of the responsibility for the abuse you suffered, but there is no research that supports unequivocally that someone’s ‘inner child’ must be damaged for them to suffer abuse, its just not so.

someone can’t make me feel a certain way I.e. guilty, and that it is something within me (he often refers to the inner child) that experiences and takes on this feeling. He says that if the inner child was ok I would not feel guilty or all the other emotions that I feel about the relationship as the grown up part of me would be able to see that things aren’t my fault.

I’m very sure that you could see a lot of what was happening, but when someone is manipulating, lying, being evasive, plus threatening and shocking with either subtle or outright violence, its not so easy as to glibly say well thats all down to your ‘inner child’.

There’s nothing wrong with supporting and helping your inner child to feel strong and nurtured whilst you heal, or to becoming aware of red flags that will be present in an abusive relationship, but this therapist is taking you backwards with this kind of blame.

If he says ‘you can’t make someone feel guilty’…where does he stand on the ‘you can’t make someone abuse you’ front? Seems you can make someone abuse you according to him.

Find someone else and think no more of it. Trauma/abuse is a lot more complex than he’s saying, and if he doesn’t seem right for you, or this specific issue, then feel free to walk away whilst you heal from this specifically. Have you heard of any of the recovery toolkits by Womens Aid locally? You may find that a big stepping stone to helping you recover and move forward. Start with the Freedom Programme, and then the Recovery Toolkit (Not sure thats exactly the title, but have a look or ask your local WA).

warmest wishes

ts

[Shazza]

Thank you twisted sister for your reply. I have seen him previously for PTSD and it was very helpful. He does also advertise that he can help with the recovery from abusive relationships.
But I am wondering if you are right, maybe he has a different approach to what other therapists do, but I really did come away thinking well he’s kind of just proved what I was dreading hearing as I have been blaming myself for all of this.
It has made me feel like my ex can be excused and gets off scot free cos actually it’s me who has some sort of problem. Which doesn’t sit right with me at all.

In terms od how he phrased me not having left for years, he didnt once say its because of the control and manipulation tactics that you have been subjected to, it was very much that if I didn’t have an unhealed inner child I wouldn’t have put up with it and would have left a long time go. O feel really down about it as I was already feeling like I deserved it all in some way or another and I was hoping he would help me to see it isn’t me but him.

You are right, i have come away feeling like I need to take responsibility for it. He also often refers to certain things my ex has done as being due to him acting from his inner child. And it upsets me cos I think to myself I am sure he is damaged from his childhood but why does that excuse some of the things he has done to me and why do I have to take on that responsibility.

I do feel like I have taken a step backwards the last couple of times I have seen him which is a real shame as I have taken some heavy things to the session to discuss the last couple of times and it has left me feeling even worse than I did before I mentioned these things to him ad I now feel like it is all my fault somehow.

My ex was extremely good at laying on the guilt trips and I just don’t think I agree with him saying that someone can’t make you feel guilty or a certain way, and again I have ended up feeling like there is something wrong with me for feeling these things.

I had a brief look at the freedom programme, i will take another look and see at else is out there.
Maybe you are right and I should see if there is someone else who can help me with this. It probably sounds silly but I wanted some validation that this isn’t my fault and now I feel like it is.

Thank you for taking the time to reply I really appreciate it x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi..I just replied in a similar way to you on another post, but what your therapist is doing is utterly all wrong.

You are not there to consider your abuser’s ‘inner child’, frankly that is just revolting way to talk to a victim. No wonder you feel as you do, because you trust this therapist and therefore listen to what he says as being valid and important.

One of the deepest issues that survivors of abuse suffer is exactly this, that they have been groomed so well to listen to others over and above their own priorities, understanding and needs.

Now its time to listen to you, to your own instincts, which were right. You saying how you have come away feeling to blame in some way is telling you what you already know. That the abuser was abusing you, and that the therapy you are under is continuing that abusive narrative.

This doesn’t mean your therapist is not good, just that he’s way off base when it comes to abuse.

Please do look around for others, he should not be seeing vulnerable survivors of DA (detail removed by Moderator). You are right, and he is wrong about this. You are the expert here, and he should be being led by you. You know the truth, and there is harm in worrying about how the abuser is feeling, or where they are coming from, you have already spent too much time worrying about and caring for your abuser. Now is time to cut all ties and sense of any responsibility to his pity story, and prioritise your own.

Many live under the believe that ‘selfish’ is bad. Its not, its normal and healthy to be selfish for your own needs, especialy when you have suffered so much. Follow your instincts, think of yourself, do not consider how an abuser feels he had his chance and thoroughly screwed you over, so now your life is all about you for once, you owe him nor your therapist anything.

Hold your head high, and walk forward into your new life, without the burden of responsibilities you carried for too long. You’ve got this.

warmest wishes

ts

[Shazza]

I am glad someone other than me finds it strange that I have been asked to consider his inner child. I think that is half of the problem as I do trust the therapist and therefore have been trying to take on board what he has been saying in relation to these things. The issue is I was already feeling bad and feeling sorry for my ex and feeling guilt and blame. Being told that he acts a certain way cos it is his inner child and told I need to remember it isn’t the grown up acting out here really made me feel like I was being a bit petulant feeling so upset by some of the things he has done to me and like if I wasn’t acting from my ‘inner child’ it wouldn’t have all happened to me.

You are right, I have spent alot of time prioritising him and worrying about him and I still am really. I want to be able to put myself first I just don’t seem to be there yet.

I will have a look around and see if there is someone else that I could try. I am all for holding my hands up if I’m in the wrong or if something is my fault, I just feel deep down that I can’t be responsible for all that he has done x

[Twisted Sister]

absolutely! Well said. Wondering about his inner child is the last thing you need right now. There is literally no need whatsoever to understand him, all it does is deflect away from the awful damage he caused you. Heal yourself, and keep yourself in the centre of your recovery xx

[Anonymous]

Guilt can be felt by most people shazza you don’t need inner child wounding to feel it, he might be caught up with his own form of therapy and pseudo science, if you feel worse and it’s triggering you and having you yet again feel like the abuse was your fault (or you need to feel more understanding towards your abuser) then that’s not good, I’ve left therapists in the past one told me I need better boundaries (when my boundaries are fine it’s abusers that violate them) and another one made me feel like I should be over it already it’s not good and it’s not ok 🧡❤️🧡

[Shazza]

Thank you Auriel, that is interesting to hear that you have also had some not so good experiences when it comes to therapists.
Yes I have come away feeling like I need to be more understanding of him which sucks as I was already caught up in worrying about him and making excuses for his behaviour.
Like you say, maybe this is just the approach this therapist uses for all things and it is not the right fit for this x

[Anonymous]

Yeah they are your therapy sessions and shouldn’t be about his inner child or him being pitied for his abuse of you (even if he was abused as a child) the pstd, the trauma bonds and constantly trying to figure out why they did or said can keep us stuck (obviously knowing the dynamics and tactics they use is important) his own therapist (if he’s got one) is the only one who should be doing inner child work with him, if you come out of therapy sessions feeling as you did while you were in it (or pitying the abuser) that’s not good
🌺🌸🌺

[Shazza]

He doesn’t have a therapist as he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him or his behaviours.
I think I will need to have a look round for someone that offers a different approach. I really don’t need to hear that this stuff is all my fault in some way from a therapist (hes never said it in those words) x

[Anonymous]

Yes shazza coming away from a therapy session with those kinds of feelings and thoughts can leave you open and susceptible to more abusers scouting for prey (there’s a lot out there!) have a google at cluster b’s and n.p.d’s) I can’t diagnose people but it might be eye opening and certain of his behaviours and attitudes might match (I’m putting these down for awareness for you) but solely the focus should be your self nurture from this and looking after you 💜💛💜

[Camel]

Hi Shazza

If this therapist makes you feel bad then it’s not working for you. I’m certainly no expert but I couldn’t find anything on google for ‘inner child therapy’ relating to abuse in adulthood.

I imagine therapy as a kind of journey, moving slowly forwards. This guy is always dragging you back to a past that you can’t change. Isn’t your inner child simply a concept and therefore impossible to ‘fix’? And now he’s banging on about your abuser’s inner child?

I’m wondering, how much of your session is spent with your therapist talking while you listen?

I don’t believe your therapist has all the answers. They’re simply opinions dressed up as ‘truth’ because he holds the power in the relationship. You have your own valid opinions, borne out of real experience. The last thing you need is someone telling you you’re wrong to feel what you feel, know what you know. (That includes me too x)

[Shazza]

Thanks Camel. His approach is very heavily based on the inner child which I have struggled with a bit in general but I do appreciate they all have their own approaches. But yes, he has started to ask me to consider where my ex is acting from when he behaves in certain ways and always tells me it is from his unhealed inner child. But I dont want to have to worry about his inner child or about him at all
X

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