There is no domestic abuse without rape

[Ayanna]

In my experience abusive men also rape.
There is no physical or emotional abuse without rape.
They do it behind closed doors and we are not believed as there are hardly ever any witnesses.

How do the governments think women can cope with this?
I do not think it is normal to just move on.
They want to make us believe it is nothing.
Rape is a profound violation of every boundary we ever had. It goes deeper than any physical wound.

I wish there was an area in this world with absolute zero males, an area where only women live and work. I would emigrate there. I do not like the fourth wave feminists who include men into everything. They promote the patriarchy against which their grandmothers had fought.

I cannot understand anymore why any woman desires to be with a man.
The conversations I hear about boy friends and engagements make me laugh.
How could I ever find the interactions with a man interesting or even pleasurable?
They are disgusting, despicable, yet so self righteous and convinced about themselves.
Go deeper with questioning them and the majority of them are just vain useless (detail removed by Moderator), even those who have spent years in universities. They are nothing, just nothing, not worth to pay attention to.

[KIP.]

I think marital rape is one of the last taboos. I reported my husband for raping me before and during our marriage. His mantra was nobody will believe me. It’s his word against mine. Well, I was believed. He is now on their radar and if he does it again, he knows he is accountable. Intimate partner rape needs to be talked about openly. I haven’t lost faith in all men. I think that would be letting him win. Also, the way some mothers still bring up their sons in such an entitled way is not good. The problem of domestic abuse is for society to fix. I do agree that the rapes were soul destroying. But it was his shame, not mine x

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Sore subject…society has a lot to do with it, our human condition too. Lots of delicate and complex matters to discuss regarding rape.

My job gets me involved with “marriage”, cannot say how, but i notice in people’s attitudes typical behaviours linked to the one you describe, one of which is the entitlement to sex.

I notice how well anchored beliefs play a huge role in the two genders. I also notice, as was the case most recently with one person, how some marriages are based on not recognising dormant but pre-existing feelings and attitudes of control and abuse. My guts warn me of the underlying broken boundaries some women are already suffering without knowing, and rape is one of them. When you analyse carefully what is said, you guess the rest. I feel so uneasy when i am working in such “situations”, facing women i know will be abused.

I recently spoke to a lady at work who displayed and described all the coercive and physical abuse she is already experiencing, yet she is about to get married. She is in the “fog”, confused and lost. It made me feel sick listening to her. I gave her the details of support organisations, this one as a priority, but her confusion is immense. She is raped. She just doesn’t know it. And colleagues of mine were talking utter nonsense about her issues, including rape. I heard massive amounts of despicable dirty explanations for her husband to be attitudes, and it made me annoyed to hear how a person’s physical and emotional boundaries are spat on with such lightheartedness…society speaking, insulting in conditioning, in low values and lack of self respect and respect for others.

Al i can hope for is that this lady will call the helpline, or read the forum messages. And think.

I too, sometimes, prefer to think i wasn’t raped, but i was. One of my daughters was too. She doesn’t tell me much but she knows it wasn’t right (one particular story). She has been hurt and she feels conditioned probably to think she must get on with life. But the memory is there.

I once heard a Freedom program leader say she sometimes gets pestered by her husband to have sex. What she does about not “doing” it remained unclear…what is clear to me is the basic instinct men have, women do too, but even a psychotherapist spoke clear words about this instinct. He didn’t equate it with love…

So i understand you Ayanna…

[iamme]

Hello Ayanna,

I feel the same way too. I was too thick to realise I was being raped or in denial. I don’t think I can trust another man ever. In my community, it’s not rape, it’s a husbands right. Even when I confronted my husband about it, he said it’s shameful to talk about the bedroom. He decided on separate sleeping arrangements as part of his control and abuse and had days where I had to go to him for sex whether I liked it or not. I see now that it was another way to boost his ego and he could claim that I went to him so it wasn’t rape. Problem is I’m still here and I have to keep playing along until I can get away.

It was the helpline that put a name to it but even before I think I knew deep down, because I was washing excessively, using Dettol to bathe, and I felt used and dirty afterwards. Sometimes I was in pain like something had torn. I’ve been embarrassed to get medical help. Even my lack of personal grooming, I now realise was an attempt to distract his attention from me. Even moments when it looked like he was giving me a choice it was just lip service, because there is no choice really just retaliation for not wanting the same things as him. At the moment, I’m in a moment of calm before and after a storm, so I am starting to forget things from the little relief.

My husband’s manner leads me to believe that he believes all women need is sex to make them compliant. As much as I love my children, when I see traits in them that remind me of him I feel sad.

Society needs to change, the world needs to change, men need to change. For too long women have been punching bags for everything. I’m sick of hearing jokes from men about not getting any. Like sex is all that matters. I’ve seen more ads on rape on TV, I guess its a start but there is so much more that people don’t know about the dynamics of abusive relationships. I wish when I was growing up someone had come into school and talked about this stuff. Then at least I might have realised sooner what it was that was happening to me. My eldest child is a teenager and usually talks about things that they do in school. They haven’t yet spoken about domestic abuse or rape. I know men can be abused and raped but I find it difficult to trust any of them. No matter how nice they seem to everyone around them, like my husband seems to everyone around him, they always have their own agenda and their own core selfish beliefs under it all.

[Ayanna]

Iamme, I do hope that you soon find the courage to get out.
It will most likely not be a gentle escape. It hardly ever is. Escaping feels like the declaration of war to the man.
You need to see it as such. Get your legal backup and collect information as much as you can.
The best way to deal with abusers is to report them wherever possible, to not hold back with information about the abuse to the police.
They do not get hard sentences anyway, if they get any.
But what a police report does is that it proofs you took the right steps and that you are the victim, not him.
Abusers quickly turn to manipulate services and tell them that they are the ones who were abused. With a police report in your hands he can go figure.
This fight is a strategic game, like a game of chess. Ensure you are always on top. Women are more intelligent and better strategists. Use your abilities to defeat him and free yourself.

[Reeds-not-oaks]

Hi Ayanna Hi Iamme

I now get why A may have been interested in my story. We have some things in common.

I came from a culture that has rigid ideas about women and sex. My family were abusive. Together It did not teach me about my right to be treated with kindness and respect. It did not let me know sex is consent based and should be what both want with no coercion. I did not know I could refuse. I did not understand the pressure of those values to submit. But that is not consent.

Yes there is a long way to go in the way rape is understood. But We cannot be responsible for what someone else chooses to do. Nor should I feel bad if they do something We don’t want and/or is wrong. We are not at fault being dissatisfied with a faulty world.
You sound angry.
Rightly so.
Use it as fuel.
It can protect you and your children.
It can get you well.
Anger after is so healthy. It says it’s wrong what they did is wrong and how society thinks and responds is still wrong. And ironically that is so very cool. Because it also says you know you’re worth something.
Incidentally I know some men are a problem. But I was helped by two male therapists who wanted to cry as I cried and felt disgust at what some men do. (It’s why they do what they can to help.)
If I had had to face that early on it wouldn’t have helped. But later when it felt right for me. It’s given me hope that I can have a real friendship based and loving relationship with a respectful woman liking man.
Anger is healthy. Even in women (despite what they say).
It is what can get you out, then free, then happy.

I wish you every support and everything you deserve.

Reeds

[mantra]

so many things have come to light since I asked for help ,some time after leaving a year ago.
I am very shocked to discover the difference between right & wrong.
My mother told me “if he doesnt beat you or drink too heavy you are ok, the grass is always greener” but that is not actually enough.
I am not ready to talk about this subject yet but ,unfortunatly, the reality is coming to surface & I dont expect I will be able to ignore it for alot longer.
I am still struggling so much to believe he didnt have my best interests at heart , as he repeatedly told me 🙁

[Ayanna]

Take your time, Mantra.
What we all have been through is very horrible and it is not possible to allow it to surface quickly.
It has to be done in stages.
But make sure you work on it over the years. xx

[Author]

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