Things falling into place

[phantasmagorical]

I’ve been turning a lot of things over in my mind lately…some of them seem to fall into place, or at least I hope they are. I don’t want to be kidding myself because not knowing is unbearable.

It feels like the sudden discard was planned by him after all. I don’t really want to believe that but something is just niggling at me. It seems like in the days leading up to me moving over there was more strange excuses about messaging services not working, and my texts not being successfully delivered etc. I’ve been reading about the technical ins-and-outs of these services and it looks like he’s either disabled or deleted them, maybe so I wouldn’t be able to reach him afterwards? Almost like he was preparing for it, and leading me up to the last minute to break it all off. Yet he continued to maintain this facade that felt real to me, like I really believed him (despite all my inner turmoil) when he talked about the things he was getting for our flat, and that the flat was real etc.

My mum strongly believes it was calculated. I still struggle to see and believe this myself, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense. This, in addition to the time he tried breaking it off with me, has my head in a spin. I’ve been talking to my friends about it because I don’t understand the intentions and behaviour. One of my friends feels he was buying himself time when he tried breaking up then, and that it wasn’t really meant, but just to stall me moving over. And he could continue to have his needs met?

It just seems so bizarre, almost far-fetched. I still can’t really trust my own intuition at this time, my head still feels foggy and busy with lots of thoughts. I didn’t sleep well last night.

There’s an article I was reading that mentioned how people with n**********c / antisocial traits in these situations might purposely delay the break-up / discard phase. I just don’t understand it. 🙁

[KIP.]

My abuser was married to another woman for (removed by moderator)  whilst dating me. He lived in another country. Visited me (removed by moderator), we went on holidays several times (including the month before and after his wedding). He had proposed and we picked baby names. Then I found he was married to someone else all along. Leading a double life. It broke my heart. These men are s**m. You are trying to see his behaviour through your own eyes. You will never see it because nothing in your own mind could convince you to treat another human being this way. There are nasty evil people in the world and unfortunately we have met them. In time you will see what a lucky escape you had.

[phantasmagorical]

Hi KIP. I’m sitting here trying to imagine how someone could lead a double life like that, but I think you’re right, I can’t adopt a perspective on people and life the way he does. When it fails I find myself falling back onto the mental health issues, although even then I struggle to make it “fit” and account for what’s happened.

[KIP.]

Hi there. It will never “fit”. Please accept that they are just cruel nasty self serving individuals. It’s not personal. It could have been any girl and he’s probably behaved as badly before and will again. Life gets easier when we learn to accept the apology we will never get❤️

[phantasmagorical]

From what he’s told me, it seems very likely that he’s behaved similarly with other girls. It’s going to be hard to accept I may never know why any of this happened, but I’ll try <3

[Author]

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