Think it’s emotional abuse but confused.

[Shecando]

I’ve written  before and had some helpful support . My husband is undoubtedly down about his life , work , lack of pension , seems very envious of what others have . Unfortunately where he thinks he should be in life is blamed on me that he’s not. He makes comments ALL the time that we didn’t plan for our financial future because of the silliness that went on at home. He makes comments like ‘ oh I saw him , he’s got on in life as he sat down with his partner to talk about it’ it’s never ending. He goes through cycles being like this and makes it very hard for me to help him with how he feels I should because he blames me. He sends me very lengthy texts saying I’ve never been great with him , I need him , he’s done more for me than anyone else ever has, we are where we are because of me , he is being abused in subtle ways and if he was female people would say that to him. Close family members have noticed it apparently . He never says what the issues are or who has mentioned anything . He wants me to acknowledge what I’ve done but I don’t even know what that is. His texts don’t give me a chance to reply , if I try to speak he dismisses it and says ‘(quote removed by Moderator)’
I actually feel like everything he is accusing me of is what he’s doing to me. Our son has noticed it a lot and continually asks me if his dad is okay with me , does his dad like me …

He is not communicating with me at all at the moment but making lots of little digs about how his head is empty , he can’t see past an hour at a time but then I see him messaging friends , laughing and going out to his hobbby very happily when I’m left feeling confused and wondering what I’ve done wrong . It’s almost like it’s saved for me. He also likes to point out my flaws , his latest is and ‘that’s  another thing you do.’

He has no patience or tolerance for me . Says I’m awkward. Over the years ( (timeframe removed by Moderator) ) I have asked myself is he tired , is he stressed , is he overworked , is he worried and the answer may be yes but that doesn’t mean I can be his punching bag ( not literally ). There is not one day goes by that he is not reprimanding me for something I’ve done or not done. He tells me I’m only like it with him and have lovely conversations with everyone else. The truth is he makes it very hard for me to converse naturally as I seem to annoy him all the time with my words , actions or just my presence. I can hear our son asking him now if he’s okay – it puts him on edge so he people pleases.

I guess I just want some reassurance. If I said sorry to him which I’ve done before to keep the peace he then says I don’t mean it – the goalposts are always shifting so I can never get it right and don’t think I ever will. He calls me controlling if I ask him to please pause the tv to tell him something – there is nothing I can say or do right/ pls help

[Lisa]

Hi Shecando,

Thank you for sharing with us. It is understandable you are confused by your husband’s behaviour- abuse can be confusing and exhausting to be around. He is continuing to shift the boundaries so anything you say or do will not be the ‘right’ thing to him. You haven’t done anything to cause his behaviour- he is choosing to act this way.

You are doing the right thing by reaching out for support. There is an organisation called Bloom which might be helpful for you to explore. Bloom offer free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Keep posting to us when you can, you are not alone.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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