This time of year – much harder than I expected

[itwillbeokay]

Not so much the lead up, that was fun and exciting and our lives are so much better and happier now, things are going well. I love my new job, I have so much family and friend support, I feel good. I still have the inner turmoil and guilt and sadness and anxiety but I talk it through with my counsellor and I’m reminded of why I left.

But Christmas Day was tough. I felt like I wasn’t really there. I was on my phone a lot which I know was noticed but I just needed distraction I think. I felt sadder than I’d expected. The only contact we had was (detail removed by Moderator) separate cards landing on the doormat from my husband and mother in law although I suspect she bought them and posted them. (detail removed by Moderator) of them! Quite impersonal really, not even their names written inside. Then nothing else. I’ve blocked them all so they couldn’t have managed to have rung anyway but I checked my email all day fearfully steeling myself for some sort of blow or abusive contact and nothing. I feel so awful and horrible and confused and guilty and sad that they didn’t see the children at all at Christmas. I’m left feeling maybe I was totally wrong to block him and tell him only email and arrange to see the children through a solicitor. Because that’s clearly mad3 him decide not to bother and I feel terrible about it. It’s gone too far now, I just left him and an unpredictable environment of fear and control, I expected to then have to lead the life of a separated parent and hand our children over every other weekend. It’s not what I wanted but I couldn’t live with him anymore so that’s what I was intending to do. But now his behaviour suggested it wasn’t appropriate to keep handing over face to face and unsupervised, he was only seeing one out of two children anyway and he had switched back to threatening and intimidating having realised I wasn’t going back. It’s all such a mess and I feel sad and responsible for him being left with no family.

[KIP.]

There is only one person responsible for his behaviour and that’s him. It’s sad to say but he simply doesn’t care. I would move heaven and earth. Camp out at my solicitor until I had regular meaningful contact. You have done everything right to safeguard your children. His inactivity simply confirms what you already know. It won’t feel like it just now but be glad he isn’t able to influence your children. They are despicable dysfunctional men who enjoy watching others suffer. The fact he chose one child over the other is a warning of what is to come. They’re lucky to have you and your family and stability. Xmas is over now. Look forward to a new year and a new life x don’t worry about him. He’s more than likely out getting drunk enjoying himself without a second thought. I know mine was.

[KIP.]

Just wanted to add please be kind to yourself. You didn’t choose this, you’re doing great x

[Halfwayout]

Your doing the right thing, your priorities are yourself and your kids and as for only seeing one of them, is despicable. My OH favours our son rather than daughter, he always says I’ve contaminated her mind, they are both old enough to make up their own minds.
You say you have a good family and friends network, I’m sure the kids will find positive role model’s there.
Hang in there, the holidays are tough, personally can’t wait to get back to work myself also the Christmas tree is coming down tomorrow.xx

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you so much for responding. I am looking forward to life going back to normal too, back to work, back to healing. I’m fearful of what the new year might bring though. And wondering if I should be doing anything to try to restablish contact with the children. I just don’t get the mindset at all, this is completely bewildering me really. I’m always slightly uneasy waiting for something to turn bad. Because our new life is so good. It unnerves me as it always went bad with him.

[KIP.]

Yep, you’ve spent many many years on eggshells trying to predict his next move. It takes time to get out of old habits. You will regret contacting him. All you will do is subject yourself and your children to abuse. I always remember something I read that abusers only want to get close enough to slap us again. Maybe not physically but slap us just the same. Don’t give him that opportunity. Have faith in yourself. You and them do not need that kind of upset and dysfunction in your lives x

[itwillbeokay]

I feel bad and sad and worried I’m doing a terrible thing by not organising child contact, some sort of parental alienation it feels like even though that’s not it. Why is he just not bothering, is it because I’ve said he has to organise it through official channels, that it has to be supervised. I can see why that would annoy him as he never hurt the children but I couldn’t continue as I was, it wasn’t okay and the look he gave me as I drove away from what was the last handover, it was pure evil designed to make me feel worried he had our child in his possession for the next (detail removed by Moderator) hours. Plus all the concerning messages. But now this. He doesn’t see or speak to them atall and it’s my fault. It’s like it’s been twisted on to me.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, you have to believe in yourself, you did the right thing by your children, if you hadn’t and social services got involved they could have been possibly taken them from you. It is up to him to organise contact, you have enough to contend with, without trying to do happy families for his benefit. Now he sees you are strong and capable of anything, that could scare and anger him, that’s why WA advise a safe exit plan and continued support.
The make ergo is soneyhing else, they will literally cut their noses of tho spite themselves, that’s why he’s not pushed for access, yet. Wait til someone starts whispering in his ear, you should do this that, whatever. They don’t know what he is, so he’ll be really playing up the poor me, she’s taken my kids act.
Have you spoken to anyone at WA since leaving, the more outside support you can get the better. Let your doctor know your fears too.
Sending strength🧙‍♀️ to you and big hug as well🤗
IWMB 💕💕

[Halfwayout]

Kip is right, we spend all these years waiting for the bad, putting things through the n**c filter, conditioned.
The mindset your possibility having difficulty with is entitlement, they have problems with being told what to do, they struggle to do things for themselves or he knows he’s getting to you, they sense it.
I guess your OH will also only use his children as trophies when it suits him, they’re possibly an inconvenience at party season.
IWMB is also correct he is sensing a strength in you, a loss of control, you keep it up and educate yourself. xx

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