thought I had go through the xmas period unscathed …

[Anonymous]

Hello – felt very happy (timeframe removed by Moderator), spent time planning projects for 2025 all positive. Went out for a short walk and loved the garden with news shoots already from the earlier autumn pruning. Very uplifting to see new growth and hearing good strong bird song. I came back into the house and said how lovely and promising the garden looked. Son and husband both said they did not like the garden. They were both miserable and negative. (removed by Moderator). The gaze or stare of eyes locked and I sensed again the extreme dislike I have of my husband. I walked away and shut the kitchen door to eat my omelette. The point here is that all through (timeframe removed by Moderator) I did not interact with my son or husband on any personal issues. The days past well and were not contaminated with any arguments or sarcasm. Only (timeframe removed by Moderator), did I put my guard down and relax and made a simple comment about the garden that I got negative and humiliating comments from my husband. They are basic comments of  humiliation, i.e. a song, but they relate to years of former abuse and this is what was layered on to me (timeframe removed by Moderator). (removed by Moderator). Because I felt happy and confident I slipped up. I have returned to the controlled mind set where I do not offer up normal happy comments about the day and how I feel. The other thing is that I was very surprised that my son also engaged in the negative talk about my garden comment. All of this might seem simplistic but I sense that neither my husband or my son want me to express any aspects of my being happy. And I am happy. It has been a wonderful day and I look forward to 2025. I will not share my happiness with husband or son. That was a mistake.  I just think: Sod them.

 

 

[TheMouseBites]

Its quite difficult to read between the lines of what happened to you (timeframe removed by Moderator). I hope you are ok?
It sounds like you are protecting yourself to the extent of living in a house with someone but not sharing anything at all with them about yourself.
It seems like your comments about the garden were completely normal and nice. Who doesn’t  like to hear a bird singing…who would make an effort to be negative about that? I don’t understand it.

 

 

 

[Anonymous]

Hi MouseBites, thanks for your comments. I am OK. I think what has happened is that I was feeling happy! a rare feeling for me, having got through (timeframe removed by Moderator) without arguments etc (because I pre-cooked the meals and I ate my meal alone off a tray in (location removed by Moderator).) I enjoyed a walk (timeframe removed by Moderator) and on my return felt energised. The point here is that my husband was not pleased with my expression of happiness. I conclude that my ‘normal self’ in this house is a self that is neutral and dumbed down. It is a fact that I have controlled myself not to express joy or happiness when I am in this house. (timeframe removed by Moderator) I did and it did surprised me that I felt so well and happy and positive and he did not like it. It was such a simple natural thing to express joy and wonder about nature. And he did not like this. //The moderator edited my posting so it is disjointed. You have read between the lines and made me more aware that I am controlling my expression of emotion as a form of self protection.//I will be seeing my counsellor next (timeframe removed by Moderator) and I will take this learning into the discussion. As I reflect further I can even comment that I control my facial expression too in his presence. By this I mean that I maintain a neutral facial expression. I think that the real facial expression would be one that would anger, resentment and extreme dislike. And again by hiding this and remaining ‘poker faced’ it a form of self protection. And all of this, on the whole, results in my feeling tired and drained.//Thank you again for your insight it has helped me think more about my need for self-protection. that is a good thing.

 

[Reallyconfused]

I am sorry you have to hide your feelings so much. I too am not what I used to be but am trying to reclaim my personality.
These abusers want us unhappy and to control our thoughts and feelings – they don’t care what you are saying – they just want to make us feel sad and to make us think what we feel and say is worthless.
I used to look at my husbands face all the time waiting for approval. It was never enough and never going to happen. I have now stopped looking at his face and don’t engage with him – I am apparently always wrong and my feelings are apparently stupid feelings.

Your son is most likely trying to get approval from his father and is “siding” with him as he sees him as the powerful one. He most likely doesn’t even know he is doing this.
I had the same with my children too. Only in hindsight do I see why they often were on his side as they wanted approval themselves , from their father , and as children have no power it’s the only thing they have , to keep the abuser happy.

Don’t lose yourself in this. Be happy and carefree. Your feelings and thoughts matter. If you can’t express them in the house say them out loud to yourself or write them down.
We all matter and no one has the right to take our inner light from us.
No one can take our true thoughts and feelings from us, they belong to us and make us special. Stay strong, everyone is here for each other on this forum and we understand without explanation or judgement.

[Anonymous]

Hi ReallyConfused, thank you for your reply. I am recalling past interactions especially relating to the eye contact and watching the face. It is quite eerie and scarey to recall. I looked into his eyes (number removed by Moderator) days ago and I could see coldness and staring that suggests anger. So I am commenting on bird song and new growth in the garden and this is the facial non-verbal communication! You are right when you say they do not want to listen to what is being said. I tend to talk a lot and I have found myself repeating myself – and I look at this again and it is because there is no acknowledgement of what I am saying! because he is not interested. Wow. I even tried to teach him about communication and the sending and receiving of information and acknowledging information and checking back to make sure they have heard correctly! I can remember him staring at me and saying something like, for goodness sake that is too long-winded.//As I no longer look at his face with regularity I can sense when he is close by he is staring at me waiting for me to turn to look at him. When I do not and continue with my job e.g. peeling carrots he moves away. It takes me a lot of discipline and it feels odd not to turn to someone who is asking a question etc I give the minimum response and move on to my next job e.g. chopping the carrots. Then it’s the placement of the chopped carrots in the melted butter, turn down low, lid on and walk away. This is the new way of approaching tasks. they need to be broken down out of the kitchen and because I cannot control when he might enter the kitchen I am ready to fall into the robot realm. I am thinking this is comedic but I know it is not. It is a form of self protection and respect.// I read this morning that engaging with someone who is seeking a reaction to start the cycle of abuse can be offset by offering the minimum of non-verbal and verbal interaction and this method was referred to as ‘grey stoning.’  It is working for me and more so now I am becoming conscious of what is happening. I know too that communicating like this is not good long term and this is something else I am beginning to acknowledge.

Thank you for your comments re my son. That is most helpful.

[TheMouseBites]

Is it possible for you to talk about things that have happened in the past? Being safe of course, (needless to say!) and no need to be really specific but just the gist. Maybe an example that really hurt.
Does what’s happening now remind you of things that have happened before? Do you feel like you’re being ignored…like in the old fashioned sense of someone too busy watching the Telly or reading to be bothered replying…or do you feel that it’s different to that? Like he’s trying to provoke a reaction? If so, what reaction do you suspect would be wanted?

[Anonymous]

Hi TheMouseBites, I think that things that are happening now are evidencing that I am being ignored. He never sits down with me or focusses on any issue. Most of the interaction is in passing eg. meeting in the kitchen or the famous one of when I am at the kitchen sink loading the dishwasher. I voice the issue and he stops and listens and says yes or no and walks off. That is the result. Yes or No.  He wants something to happen or not to happen and he make the decision. (removed by Moderator).  One of the methods of control used is finance. I am actually becoming more aware of the normalisation of financial dysfunction in this relationship.

So as I write this reply to you I am wondering how he is processing my decisions. I make sure I do not meet up with him in this house. I have changed my meal times, use of the kitchen to cook and I eat in my room. I am waiting for him to leave this house and return to (country removed by Moderator).

I think he is trying to create a reaction in order to shout and humiliate me. The strange thing is this: it is as if he needs the eye contact from me to switch on the flow of the cycle of abuse to unfold. at the moment it never develops beyond the strutting of making rules and getting them set up so that when the rule is broken that is the next step of the cycle. But it needs to have the direct eye contact. I used to watch his face and look directly into his eyes and be still. It is almost like a sitting duck posture. I do not do this anymore. He is (height removed by Moderator) and his physical dimension seems to grow when he explodes with anger it is very frightening that I behaved like a mouse. Frozen to the spot. I am not acting like a mouse or a duck any more. I move. I keep alert. I am prepared to walk away. I cannot waste my energy or engage in behaviour that makes me feel worthless. I am a very strong and creative woman.

Not sure about writing about other issues from the past that have resulted in feelings of total misery and disappointment and fear: having (number removed by Moderator) punches (from (number removed by Moderator) separate incidences)  from a huge fist pushed into my face about 3 mm from my nose. One that nearly resulted in his fist punching the side of my head. Or the time I was pushed into a (object removed by Moderator) (number removed by Moderator) months pregnant. Another being pushed out of his way and then having his dirty size (number removed by Moderator) shoes shoved close into my face again about 3 mm from my nose. These incidences resulted in my contacting a solicitor and police and one in filing for a divorce. Yet still I am here. I recall that those times were shocking and I would not expand on them in this forum. I do not forget them. Once when I brought up the pushing of me into a (object removed by Moderator) to see what he might say. He looked at me and said, “(quote removed by Moderator)”

Can I ask why you would think my describing the incidence would be of help to me or indeed any one else? I might be missing something here – is it helpful? Have you done something similar yourself in another situation within a group therapy setting? Let me know because I am interested in learning.

[TheMouseBites]

I don’t know whether it helps to talk about the incidences which have happened to us, I mean, I guess that therapists think it’s a good thing but I’m not sure I agree with that. And sometimes we have to, like in a court case or something.
But, for us here, I suppose what I find really interesting is that there are initial acts of real violence and nastiness which instill fear in us. The understanding that this person might do anything, almost has no limits and certainly doesn’t respect any of our normal and correct boundaries. Then the abuse can become quite subtle after that can’t it? Because the threat is always there. Without that threat none of this could happen.
After a while someone can just look at us, as you mentioned, and the whole weight of the abuse is there behind a simple look. To live with this is very unpleasant. I really empathize with you about this.

[Anonymous]

Hi MouseBites – thank you for your comments.

[Author]

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