Thought I was doing ok

[Sleepypigeon]

It’s been a while since I was here. This safe space and haven that kept me going and sane when the madness was whizzing all around me.
By (detail removed by Moderator) it will be (detail removed by Moderator) years since I got rid.
(detail removed by Moderator) years, how did I manage that. At the time I’d didn’t think I’d last (detail removed by Moderator) hours or (detail removed by Moderator) days.
But in some ways it feels like I’m still there, not with him but back in that dark place, that cocoon, the place that I never thought I’d claw my way out of.
I was doing good, feeling more positive, got a new job, started going out again with friends, went on holiday…
So why have I slid bac here?
I thought I could regain control of my body again after what he did to me, if I could be the one in control, this time. Turns out I’m not cut out for fwb or one night. It just left me cold and empty.
How can I expect anyone to love me if I don’t love myself. This body that carries me is not to blame for what he did, yet I treat it like it is. I play the part but im not really there. I don’t want to feel, not get close not to anyone. That’s when u get hurt.
The past won’t define me but it keeps tripping me up, rearing it’s ugly head and shallows Me into the darkness.
How do u get past this? When does it stop f*****g hurting?
Why can’t I just forget? Move on.
Tiny things remind me, they come out of nowhere and rip the rug from under my feet, and then I’m falling into the abyss. I’m not me anymore.

[Lisa]

Hi Sleepypigeon,

Thank you for posting to share how you feel, I’m sure other forum readers can relate. Recovery from abuse is not linear, so sometimes you can feel ok and then something can trigger you bringing everything back to the surface. Many survivors find that the emotional effects of abuse become apparent once you’ve dealt with the necessary practical elements after separating. You might find it helpful to read through the MIND information page ‘What is trauma?’

If you haven’t done so already now might be the time to get in touch with your local service and ask if they have any recovery programmes, or consider attending The Freedom Programme, either online or in person. You could also ask your local service if they can put you in touch with some specialist counselling.

Please try to be kind to yourself and remind yourself of what you have managed to achieve, life can and will get happier again.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Author]

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