Threats and feelings

[Shazza]

Hi All, hope you are all OK. I need a safe space to vent I hope that’s OK.
So I am still coming to terms with having left him and what that means for the future. I’m finding it really challenging to know what steps to take next. It’s like I know what I need to do to provide the best future for my daughter and I housing wise, but its like I have a block and cannot physically  take any of the steps to do those things. It seems that the main reasons I can’t take these steps are firstly because I am scared of his reaction when I do and secondly I have so many feelings about not wanting to hurt him.
In terms of feeling scared- I understand that one as after all he has done I would be mad not to be afraid of him. He has also threatened me today in relation to something  (wont go into detail as wont be very anomonous), which has left me very shaken and feeling really vulnerable as he was very aggressive.
But in terms of the feelings I have towards him- I dont know if these are normal. I do not like him at all. We were together a really long time so I wonder if that’s why i still care about how he feels. But right now it feels like I can’t do anything i want to do in terms of our housing because I am worried he will then be in a worse position and that he will be upset by this and I feel like I don’t want him to be upset. I can’t tell if this is a normal feeling.
I don’t know how I can he scared of him but still worry about him at the same time. And I don’t know how I can worry about his feelings when I don’t when like him and the thought of him makes my skin crawl.
I feel so frozen like I can’t make any decisions going forward that he will not like cos they will cause him pain.
Is it normal to feel this way? I feel so confused by my feelings right now as they are so contradictory. All I feel right now is that I have no options as my only options are ones he won’t like and therefore I can’t follow through on those.
Does anyone understand any of these feelings?

Sorry to waffle on, I’m still feeling shaken from earlier so might not be making a lot of sense

[longjourneylife]

Sadly it makes complete sense. You’re experiencing very common responses especially after just leaving. All I can say is that it’s part of the process, and it takes time, right now you need to be proud you’ve left, that is what you and your daughter needed. And as many have told me, leaving is the hardest part! You’ve done it! Release the pressure on yourself and don’t rush into next steps, there’s a wave of feelings that will come over you, just remember, thank God you left! It so so hard and I thought I’d feel sick and rotten forever, but as distressing and things can be at times, and it is so hard having so many unknowns coming, it’s still better than remaining in that situation with them. Big hugs x

[Shazza]

Thank you longjourneylife for your reply. It is reassuring to know I’m not the only one feeling like this. It feels like I’m going mad sometimes.
It’s definitely better having left. There are still unfortunate incidents due to ongoing contact through our child, and even steps to prevent them from happening seem too much for me. You are right, the hardest part is surely done x

[Bananaboat]

Yes yes yes. I knew I needed to get out, planned to do things but then worried about him. I ended up staying in our shared property for longer than necessary so I didn’t leave him without a home/food/facilities etc – how mad is that. Then once my new place was sorted I really truly struggled with all decisions, like you I’d be second guessing and thinking what he’d say. Its becoming easier day by day, after all we’ve been programmed for so long it’s become second nature – plus he’s been so cold I regret staying that extra time. FOG – fear, obligation and guilt. xx

[Shazza]

Thank you Bananaboat. It’s so mind boggling isn’t it. Having all these different feelings towards this person who consistently hurts you. I find it so hard to not focus on how he will feel know matter what he does to me which I don’t really understand x

[Anonymous]

Shazam’s your reaction are entirely normal I get it it’s systematic training what he’s done is basically train you to feel and react in certain ways, it’s the psychological impact and even though he’s your ex he’s still acting entitled and trying to control you the way he always did
💛💞💛

[Shazza]

Hi Auriel, thank you for replying. It’s so hard to handle isnt it, as it feels to me like I’m feeling how I should be feeling and I can’t seem to grasp that he’s made me feel this way. I wish I knew how to stop feeling like it x

[Anonymous]

It is “really” hard, I’ve been out of things for a bit, but I still find myself underachieving (being scared to achieve) because of how the put downs made me feel and it’s how I ended up in more abuse

cos I was reacting passive and going along with things out of fear and I still suffer with agoraphobia and depression from it, so it’s normal, Cos if you find someone acting as your ex/my ex’s and my family did you almost keep reacting submissive in fear it’s a bit like a trained animal (I know we’re not animals) but you get what I mean, glad your out, stay in your power try not to let him bring you down, you done/doing good
🥰🤗👍🏻

[GoldenFish]

You are not responsible to make him feel good. You need to protect yourself and your child. First and foremost. Full stop.

[Author]

Posts