Tips for leaving

[HappyAcorn]

Hello,

I am planning on having the conversation as soon as possible, telling my husband that I am leaving.

My son will be away on holiday so it is only my safety I need to consider.

He has never physically abused me, but he has a temper and im unsure how is best to approach the conversation.

Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Hi HappyAcorn

in general the advice is not to discuss the leaving with your partner. To leave when he’s not there for example.

This is because abuse can escalate a lot at this time.

I don’t want to scare you, especially if your partner has never been violent before, but most of the women who are killed by their intimate partners are killed at the time they leave or within the year afterwards.
Obviously it’s your choice about how you think it’s best to do this.

Perhaps, if you are certain that you want to have this conversation and do it this way, you could have a friend or family member waiting in the wings ( preferably more than one), outside the door or in a car outside. Your phone ready to press an emergency number and charged and on you at all times.

[Sad and alone]

I have had this conversation lots of times. Mainly during arguments. He will tell me to get out, he’ll take me to the station and I can leave, but then he won’t actually take me. When I try and have an “adult” conversation and say I think we should go our separate ways he just says no and that I need to change and then things will be better.
Basically what I’m saying is that I think it is normal behaviour for them to not accept that you will leave. They will try and manipulate the situation emotionally or maybe even physically. Just because he hasn’t been physical before doesn’t mean he won’t ever be, and if he is an abuser then losing control of the situation is not something that he will be okay with and could force him to escalate his behaviour.
Maybe you could chat online here or contact your local DA centre to talk through your plan so they can help you do it in the safest way possible. As already said, it may be best if you’re all set up and have somewhere to go, to do it when he’s not there.
Good luck. I admire anyone that pulls themself out of this mess and hope I can as well one day.

[Cherries]

As sh*tty and as horrible as I feel for doing so, Im not telling mine either. He’s never hit me, either, though on a couple of occasions things have been broken.

Im not telling mine because I know he will guilt trip me for hours, make promises, play victim, get angry, be SUPER reasonable eventually, probably offer to help and so on. I just can’t handle the manipulation it will bring. Its not always about physical stuff. You don’t have to be afraid he will hit you. More, perhaps be afraid he will prevent you from leaving in potentially other ways.

At the end of the day we’re not on here because our relationships are healthy. That might mean we can’t leave them in an especially healthy way either. Not through any fault of our own. We do have a right to our freedom if that’s what we want, and the chances of them being OK with that are pretty slim, since they don’t seem to be happy with much of who we are or what we do…unless its what they require anyway. Mines great as long as I’m doing all the looking after him and not having needs of my own. Best guy ever. Say I’m not happy with something and yeah be prepared to be talked down for 10 hours straight.

I may meet up to discuss later with mine, and leave a note to that effect. But not until things calm down and in a neutral place only…if at all.

If you’re anything like me you’ve tried to beg plead explain adjust until you’re blue in the face before you even got to this point. Maybe its time to put you first now, and his feelings can be the unimportant ones for a change if your minds made up x

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