Tips on keeping safe/creating distance needed

[Blankcanvas]

I have a ring doorbell which brings me a lot of comfort

I block him when he doesn’t have dc

I have hollie guard app

My neighbours are aware

Friends and family are aware.

Starting another freedom program

Looking to get a contact order in place

I’m so fretful still though. He’s so erratic right now
He’s gone from being very distant and uninvolved to wanting morning, noon and night calls with dc, collecting from school. Abusive and threatening towards me, I’m completely confused

How do you all stay safe? And promote feeling safe?

[Footballfan1]

Hi Blankcanvas,

You have put in place good protective measures.

Can you look into a child arrangement order?
This would be agreed by court, a set structure and routine.
You can apply for a prohibited steps order that prevents ex from turning up at the school.
You can check to see if you qualify for legal aid to act for you.

You could say you want no contact other than handover times (this could be arranged through family so it cuts out contact with yourself ).
Your ex should not expect you to give updates on his non contact days.
It is a common tactic of theirs, to demand a response from us.

There are apps that can be used in child contact cases.
It means that all contact goes through the app, no texts, phone calls or emails.
It might make you feel a bit safer knowing the contact is limited to the app.

Unfortunately, in my experience, we do not feel safe until we have 0 contact with the abuser.
When children are involved, this is next to impossible to enforce.

Keep posting, I’m sure other ladies will be along soon with advice.
I’m sorry I can’t really offer much, I just want you to know you are not alone and that your feelings are natural xx

[Blankcanvas]

Thank you for your reply. It has helped xx

He turned up (detail removed by moderator) to collect dc
I asked him to leave as it hadn’t been arranged and he refused. He sat outside and blocked my car in. I called the police. He’s never taken dc to school.
Things are hostile. So this is another tactic to create more fear.

I wonder if anyone can recommend a uk based app. Do you know of any footballfan1?
Mediation is due to go ahead and I’d like an arrangements order once an agreement has been made.
I’ll also go back to using someone for handovers.

I want to show I’m not scared and won’t be bullied. But I’m terrified. I need to have space and no contact.
He makes it clear that he thinks I’m his. I want to show him I am most definitely not. Xx

[Better-days]

@blankcanvas I have absolutely no advice I am still in abusive relationship and this is what I fear when leaving like I basically know through the kids I will never be fully free of this bully. But where u r right now takes a huge amount of bravery. I hope things r ok sorry iv not much advice xx

[Footballfan1]

Hi Blankcanvas,.
Your ex is showing typical abusive tactics.
He is harassing you by turning up at your house unexpectedly.
Blocking your car in, that is causing distress to you and out of order.
I’m glad you called the police.
My ex turned up early in the morning to take the kids to school.
I only managed to put a stop to it when one morning, he was very early, he escalated without warning and physically assaulted me.
The kids witnessed the incident and were in bits.
These men know no boundaries.

I’m sorry, I don’t know what apps there are for child arrangement purposes.
I’ve not gotten that far through my journey.
I’m sure other ladies will be able to advise.
Normally, the court would put this in place.
Stand your ground, make sure you highlight the abusive behaviour.
Ask for police disclosure to be read by the judges before they decide on child arrangement orders.
Be wary of the mediation.
Unfortunately, it does not work with abusive people. They twist things and manipulate people. It rarely works.
Take care and keep posting xx

[Anonymous]

Hi there someone I know uses an app to comunicate pick ups and drop off etc. It’s called the Weparent App. Dates times etc appointments can be put on there I think this app gets monitored too xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi Blankcanvas

There is another app Our Family Wizard which was recommended by my counsellor and my solicitor but you and your ex have to pay for it. I suggested it, never got a response. They are not interested in what you have to say for the best interests of your kids just that they get an opportunity to get to you.

Another alternative is for all contact to go through a 3rd party. I have had zero contact with my ex since I left as I have had non-molestation orders in place so only way for them to have child contact is through a 3rd party. I was absolutely petrified applying for the non-mol the first time but like you wanted to show I wasn’t going to be bullied any longer. Judging from what you’ve said you also may have sufficient grounds to have one granted, especially if you’ve needed to call the police.

Re: mediation, I’ve done it and wouldn’t do it again. A waste of money and time for me as your dealing with an abuser who won’t behave in the best interests of the kids or rationally. Don’t want to put you off though if you feel it’s the best way forward for you, just to make you aware it may not bring the results you want. In mediation, I’d be absolutely clear from the outset what you want to cover in the session(s) and don’t be railroaded. Having navigated the legal system for quite some time now, I’d say exactly what I want to achieve and not be to afraid to ask anything that I’m unsure of(I was a scared rabbit then). I’d also have a list with me of what I want covered and tick off as I go as it’s easy to get flustered and forget.

And your right they do think you’re their possession. After years of being separated and whilst in a new relationship, he was still referring to me as his wife! Made me laugh with incredulity!

I know we can’t say how long we’re out but I’m guessing for you it’s still early days in the journey. I was terrified when I first left and deemed high risk so had safeguarding measures put in place by the police. I took every bit of support given and followed all the advice from professionals to protect myself. Don’t feel bad/guilty in doing this, you are in this position because he put you there. It takes a while but you do get past this and start to feel safe. Well done you on escaping xx

[Blankcanvas]

Thanks ladies,
He was due to collect dc (detail removed by Moderator) and said he had a headache and he needed a rest day. I’m lost for words. Turning up at school, the house really early not even on his day because he felt I’m keeping his child from him. And then doesn’t show.

I’m actually years and years out of the relationship but for some reason he’s behaving very strange lately. I think it’s a mental health crisis.

Or drugs?

But he’s been very intense with his anger and then sneeringly nice. It’s very unsettling. Frightening.

The police are looking at evidence I’ve sent them, (detail removed by Moderator). The school reported his attempt to collect dc very early unannounced from school and was aggressive towards me, If there’s enough evidence they said they can arrest him. I can apply for a non mol.

I’ve done mediation years ago and was a horrific experience. Im not looking forward to it but to get an arrangement order I need to attend meditation first.
I intend to be better prepared this time. Notes, stick to an outcome. Not be railroaded.

I’ve got family staying at the moment till the fear subsides.

Really appreciate all the replies. Im grateful for the insight and advice.
Im happy to accept help and support to distance myself from this situation.

Can I ask please; If contact is all through 3rd party what happens in a case of an emergency?
My parents have said they’ll be 3rd party.
They too have ring doorbell

Hope you ladies are well and safe xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Blankcanvas

You shouldn’t have to do mediation where there’s abuse. Request shuttle-mediation at the very least, but once there’s court proceedings, you could potential risk your legal position by talking out of court to make arrangements, leave that to the solicitors.

If you have your parents offer to be third parties that would be the best, and then they can collect/drop off, or him collect/drop off from them, and insist on an app, or use a book to communicate, but block his messages/sm/phone number, etc. so he has no other way of reaching you. So long as you both can contact via your parents then there’s no need for you to have any contact, and sounds like thats what you need.

I hope the police can arrest him, as he sounds like he’s escalating. I hope you find a way to keep you all safe and away from this harrassment.

warmest wishes

ts

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