Tired and confused

[Tuppance]

Hi
I have been in a Controlling and abusive relationship for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years. Only recently with escalating verbal attacks that I started looking into verbal and coercive abuse and he ticks so so many boxes. I have previously posted that since asking for seperation, he has started trying harder with the basic stuff ( putting bins out ) etc but underneath he is still boiling away. He still controls my actions, what friends I can have. He upsets the kids and we all
Continue to tiptoe around him. The kids broke up from
School on (detail removed by Moderator) and I promised them a trip
To the cinema as he was away with work. The only film suitable was one that he wanted us all to go to on (detail removed by Moderator) so my boy said shhhh … Don’t tell daddy. I said we need to call
Him and make sure this is ok. My boy says no – he is away and we agreed and its fine . He tried to talk his little sister into lying but i told him she was too small to do this and it was morally wrong anyway. I told their dad last night that we went to the cinemas and he was livid. He didn’t believe that it was the only pg film available, wanted to know what else the kids and I were planning without him. When I picked my boy up today ( he had a (detail removed by Moderator) ) I told him what had happened and he wax saying , God, why did you tell him, was he angry, what did he say?. We all tread on eggshells. I tried to tell my husband that he needs to talk in a way that’s appropriate for kids of such a young age. He just has a go and crys because ‘ he still has no idea why our marriage is falling apart’ , the problem is that he doesnt see any wrong in any of his behaviour.,I thought we would always be ok and, as the years and years have rolled us forward, as I have become more subservient, scared to voice my opinion, scared to do anything he doesn’t agree to, fall in line with his timetable? Neglect my friends and family to keep him happy, to answer every call and text, to diarise my every movemrmt, I realise this is not healthy, there is so much more to why I struggle but he takes it out on the kids too, ignores them, shouts at them
In an adult manner, makes then fearful and subservient, there are wedges being formed that I know I will be blamed for. My boy says it his dad’s fault he doesn’t want to
Spend time with him and he hates me saying ‘ give daddy a cuddle or don’t let daddy feel that way’ I am trying so hard for the kids relationship with Their daddy not be ruined but he is ruining it and yet I know I will be blamed because I am the one calling time on our marriage. I feel I am a victim of his behaviour, am being blamed for his sadness at our situation, am being questioned by the kids as to his behaviour and in the wrong, with them, for trying to get them to show care and sympathy It is such a lonely life. Trying to please everyone and yet falling short at each hurdle. Does anyone else have to deal with this?

[Anonymous]

Oh sweetheart xx

Moving away from the marriage sounds like it would be the best thing for your children. You shouldn’t have to tread on eggshells around him, it can only be having a negative affect on them.
The crying etc is blackmail, he may realise that he is starting to lose his grip on you. Please be careful, it’s not unusual for abusers to turn violent when they realise they are losing control.
Could you call women’s aid for advice? They are very busy bit if you leave a message they will call you back at a time that works for you.

Hugs TTMO x*x

[Anonymous]

Reading what you have put it is all part of control. He puts on the tears and plays the victim so that you will back down. STick to your guns if you can. My situation is different to most but he does that too and I cave the moment the tears start. You are doing the best thing possible for your children by getting out and thinking of yourself and them. xx

[Mellowyellow]

I have to deal with that type of thing too. I went to see my family (removed by moderator) and I was there all day and he just brought it up saying he was annoyed cos I went all day and said I was just going for lunch. If didn’t affect him as he was at work. Said oh well you had the baby with you so I need to know where you are at all times.
Feel for you Tuppance. It’s very draining being in a relationship like this. Sending love and hugs x*x

[Anonymous]

Trust your instincts . Think of the kids . Dont let him control you or undermine you. I know what it feels like. I got out away from my abuser . Iam so glad i did hugs hun

[Tuppance]

Thankyou so much, everyone for your replies. I am beginning to feel like the perpetrator here now and I think the kids are starting to feel sorry for him and blame me.
All I want is a normal life and happy children. My girl loves her daddy so much – she doesn’t notice his snide remarks which he has started to resort to , over the last few days but our boy is old enough to hear and understand. Why do they think it’s ok to involve the children? They are my only reason for staying and the pain I feel in my heart and my head, that I will hurt them by leaving their daddy it is just making me so tired and desolate. I wish I had a magic wand.

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