Tired, anxious, confused, why won’t he leave me alone

[searchingforhope]

I’m really having a bad day. Separated a few weeks and I’ve had very little peace or space. Texts came again (detail removed by moderator), accusing me of not having kids best interests at heart. It was like being stabbed by a knife. I’ve done what I’ve done for me aswell as for them as my mental health was suffering greatly. He can’t accept it. He won’t give me space, keeps saying he wants to try again and talk normally. I’m tired of the emotional abuse, the digs the manipulation. It just doesn’t stop. Can’t figure out is it worse or as bad as before separation. There is alot going on in my family at the moment that is bad news and trying to cope with it all is getting to be such a burden. (Detail removed by moderator). But its the relentless badgering. I wasn’t prepared for it. I naively thought I’d get a break in separation. He’s pressuring me now to either try again or tell him its final. As stupid as it may sound I cannot tell him its final yet. I just can’t bring myself to.

It feels like while he is on this earth I will have no peace. How am I going to learn to cope and find more strength? I don’t know what strength I have left now. If I went back it would be giving in to him and “for the kids”, but I don’t think I’d be happy and I wouldn’t be able to let go of the things he has done and never owned up to. Always he twists it back on me or he has what he thinks is a valid explanation.

I’m sick of him, I’ve had enough. I need a break from this. It’s getting way too much now. Trying to mind my kids work fulltime and function in general. I’m just tired from it all. Why can’t I stand up to him more and speak up for myself more? I’m so afraid of his reaction and how he will twist things again.

It would upset my family and friends if I went back now and I don’t think I want to, but because things are so hard, its hard to even hear my gut anymore. Please help me. I don’t know where else to turn or who will truly understand.

[nbumblebee]

He has lost you he has lost that one person he could control manipulate hurt use abuse he has nothing now and he knows it. These men need us far far more than we actually need them so of course he is gonna be a complete arse he is going to push and push and push you until you give in and go back because thats what he needs he wants.
But it is most certainly not what you need and by the sounds of it what you want.
I cant talk im still here but in my opinion you gotta just keep digging deep so so deep dig deeprler than ever and find that inner strength you know you did the right thing for you and your kids you know that you do but you keep allowing him to talk yourself out of that knowledge.
Reach out get some help someone to talk too even if its the samaritans just talk to someone if you ever get so low again. You have gotten out and thats amazing you didnt give up or give in back when you were with him did you? Dont now.
Could a friend or family member be a contact support? Someone you can use to contact him regarding your kids so then you can block his number? The ladies on here always say no contact is the best way to heal could you maybe do that?
I think sweetie that you are trying to take too much on yourself and that if you can you need to reach out grab some help some support you so deserve it.
Sending you much love n hugs x

[searchingforhope]

Thanks for your support and kind words as always, holding it all together today is just so hard.

[nbumblebee]

Yeah I know that one sweetie.
Hang on in there. Remember babe there is always hope even on darkest days the light will eventaully shine through it just will. ❤

[searchingforhope]

Thanks for your replies and support. It’s very much appreciated. xx

Sending you love and support too x*x

[wildandfree]

Oh Searchingforhope

I completely understand where you are coming from. When I finally left after many attempts, the messages, the texts, the promises that everything would be different, were relentless. It felt like I was breaking up with him on a daily basis. Having to tell him over and over again that I was not coming back. The thing that kept me strong was looking at a photo of my children (he wouldn’t let me have them for [detail removed by moderator]) and knowing I was doing it for them. And I was doing it for me. I felt completely broken. But I think there is an inner strength in us women, which is there when we need it.

Keep going. It will get easier. It might not feel like it now, but there is a whole life on the otherside of this. But you have to go through it first.

Reach out for help. It is so good to talk about everything that has happened. Or Write it down. Keep coming on here for support.

Sending much love and support. You can get through this!

[searchingforhope]

Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it.
I feel a little lighter now and the terrorising anxiety I had all day has eased a bit.
It does feel relentless right now. I feel haven’t got the strength right now to say its fully finished, there is no going back. My social worker has advised take my time it will come when I’m ready and least expecting it and not to leave anyone pressure me. But he knows that my weak spot is the kids and accusations surrounding them send me into a spiral.
It’s like I just can’t think clearly with the last week or so. My gut feeling isn’t as strong as determined as it was, yet imagining a life with him back in it doesn’t feel like it would be a happy one, despite his pleas to try again. But then I also feel I will never have him out of my life that he will be forever tormenting me.
I guess I need to be kinder to myself, which I’m realising I’ve huge difficulty with. I’m not giving myself enough credit to myself for getting to here. I’m realising more and more the amount of work I must do on myself to rebuild my self-esteem and confidence again.
All I can do is take it hour by hour and day by day. Today was one of my most difficult though.
Thanks again x*x

[Hereforhelp]

Searching for hope, I want to hug you…. I am so glad you posted

Yes be kinder to yourself, look where you are… you separated, you made that happen. When I wobble I re read my first posts on here and I can hear the old me, the woman at the beginning of this process, I am not at the end yet but I am getting there. Can you talk to womans aid or do you have any other support? Talking out loud can also help, you sound like you have a lot on generally.

You really are doing incredibly well, taking it hour by hour was how I got through it. I also gave myself an hour alone in my bedroom (I have 2 youngish teens) to get my head together.

Sending lots of love and support ❤️

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. I’m a little lighter now. It’s amazing when you think things will always be heavy and I manage to find a little bit of ease. Nothing much has changed, but a break from texts for a day and the messages that came (detail removed by moderator) weren’t as tormenting, or maybe I was just better able to handle them when I saw them. It is a hard process. Hour by hour is how I need to do it.
Hope you are doing ok. This is a journey I never anticipated nor would wish on anyone.

Take care and thank you x*x sending you love

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