Tired of it all

[Winter2022]

It’s been a long time since my last post – I was making so much good progress 2 months ago. Almost to the point of leaving – I wish I could go back to that point and change my decision but my stupid trauma bond towards him let me down and I gave in. Nothing has changed even though we talked about making all these changes to make it better – no surprises there. He can’t acknowledge that he has any problems and thinks it’s all because of me and my communication. I’m the one in the wrong every time – I know this as this is the cycle every time. I just want him to leave me…as I just feel I don’t have the strength to leave which is so sad. I have read that it can take up to 6 tries for someone to leave – I have only packed my bags and started leaving before coming back. Never stayed away so I feel that is hasn’t even been a success. I feel exhausted and helpless. I don’t even know my next steps in this life anymore as I’ve just accepted it as this. I have tried and will continue to try reach out to my local services but it hasn’t been easy…no answer, turn up to a support group – closed. It takes so much courage and strength to do these things and to be shut down like this just feels awful/upsetting. I feel like I am back to square one after such good steps forward.

[Baw2022]

Hi Winter2022

Sorry to hear you are going through this…
It took me years to leave my relationship of (detail removed by Moderator) years. It does take a long time, because deep down, we don’t want it to end… but we want to stop being abused and the only person that can stop that is the abuser. And they won’t change.
It was only after I left (well he said I had to leave) that he started hoovering and saying he has changed, going above and beyond, but I stuck with it. He hasn’t changed… he continued to control me, financially and using our children as weapons.. mentally abusing them.
But I can say 1 thing. I am so so so glad I am not in that relationship anymore… I’ve learnt so much more since leaving and realised that he mentally abused me more than I realised during the relationship.
If you are unhappy, then please pluck up the courage and leave safely. If you ever want to chat, message me.
Sending you lots of strength and love xx

[Sungirl]

I’m so glad I came across this post I’m feeling exactly the same way. Have separated from my husband (detailed removed by Moderator) times before, and yet have needed up back together. I just spent so long thinking I could change/help him it’s so frustrating. He’s less
abusive (emotional) now but still it is there and he is becoming more controlling with the kids. I just can’t get myself to a place where I can leave. I don’t want to leave myself but maybe I should, just take the kids and go somewhere. It all consumes so much of my brain power and time, I’m so fed up of it but I just can’t find a way to move forwards. He now says things are my fault, I’m always questioning and undermining him, he knows best blah blah blah. It’s so frustrating!

[gettingtired]

Please don’t be so hard on yourself, it takes huge strength to have done what you have so far. It took me 2 years to leave my ex and many failed attempts of planning to leave him (but never actually going through with it). I felt like a constant failure and a zombie for such a long time. Every day was a struggle with him yet I just couldn’t leave. Then finally one day when he was doing his usual nonsense of kicking off and bombarding me with abusive texts and calls etc I just decided completely unplanned that I’d had enough. It was like my body went into auto-pilot and I drove myself to his (I knew he wasn’t there), took the few belongings of mine I had there and left. Sounds easy but it really wasn’t. I’d just had enough by then and nothing he could say would change my mind. The trauma bonding was the worst and what kept me trapped with him for so long. Everyone’s journey of leaving is different (it almost feels like a process) but please don’t punish yourself for not going through with it yet. I too found my local domestic abuse services to be a disappointment which was a shame as I know other women here have found them to be hugely supportive. I’ve always found the forum to be a huge source of support and kindness though xx

[Better-days]

I am in the same position as you guys reading this post has just made me feel not so lonely. Life without him would be my dream come true but I know leaving he would brainwash my kids more than he does. Is anyone else is this position. My oldest is against me the best of times he says things to please just dad all the time and it kills me. Silly things like if his dads doing something for his even if he was moaning or whatever he would say. Dads better at it and stuff. My kids r my life I can’t actually even believe I’m telling you this but I actually hate him that much that when he’s out I pray he has an accident or kills himself as I don’t even know how he can live with himself with the s***e he dishes out daily. And these thoughts don’t even hurt me ur make me feel sad and I feel like a terrible human fit even thinking these things but I honestly hate him.

[Camel]

Hi Better-days

This is just a guess but your oldest could be playing the role of peace-maker. He’ll be hyper-sensitive to his dad’s moods. I don’t think he’s against you at all, I think he’s completely on your side and is doing his best to protect you. x

[StrongLife]

It took me many times too. More than 10. There was little help at that stage. I did not know where to turn and had no access to money.

Keep going. Have you thought of one to one therapist specialist in dv – the therapy often takes time. Sometimes the first group or therapist may not be the right one.

[Author]

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