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Well after a really horrendous years of abuse the last few months have been the worst. Threatening me threatening to take me to court and take the children off me. Calling me names accusing me of all sorts I finally broke last night. I get scared of putting too much detail on here but after another night of him telling me I am sick and twisted and having a go at me about everything I just told him to pack his bags and go he didn’t say much other than he would take me to court and went out. His still here I’ve hardly slept I have to go to work today and I feel dreadful. I woke up with that horrible feeling when you realise what is happening. I am so scared because he twists things he denies things have happened when his been vile he says I’m a liar and I am the bad person the mental sick person. I am so scared what do I do next his threatened me before saying that I will come worse off in the past so I know he will make my life hell and my biggest fear is what if he got the children they are still so small it would break me. What if he turns them against me. I can’t even bare the thought of sharing them with him. I will try calling the help line but just need someone to talk to
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Hey there, I hope the helpline managed to help you. The first thing you need to know is that these men are liars. Do not belive a word he says. It’s called coercive control. You tell him what you want and he bullies, lies and threatens until he gets what he wants and on and on it goes. If you can manage to speak to your GP or your local women’s aid and get details of his behaviour noted. I actually recorded his abuse but only do this if your are sure it’s safe to do so. Mind games and manipulation are what these abusers excel at. I was threatened with exactly the same thing. I won’t tell you it’s easy getting away from these monsters but it’s much easier once you’re out to get all the help you need and see clearly the extreme mental abuse he is putting you through. Your local women’s aid will be able to help you. your trapped in trauma and don’t think straight. That’s why no contact is so important in recovery. My ex used to behave like yours then sleep like a baby. Meanwhile I was traumatised and spent all night panic stricken about the threats he made. All were just empty threats. When faced with professionals they can’t bully, their attitude changes.
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In my experience he is going nowhere. It’s upto you to leave or get a non molestation order to get him out the house. Unless he has no legal reason to be there. It’s a dreadful time. I can tell you I’ve been through the mill with my ex, court etc but the time trying to end things was horrendous. Looking back I should have acted sooner. Gone to a solicitor and gone total no contact. Contact through a third party if I had children.
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Thank you I was at work all day and haven’t managed to do anything. I need advice I am not doing anything until I know what I’m doing. I am scared I feel sick. I don’t love him but I know there’s a battle ahead. I have doubted myself so much today but I can’t live waiting for the next time he starts on me.
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I have left a message hopefully someone will call me back. I have a solicitor its one of my friends friend who deals with family law so will call her too in a bit.
I just dont want to agree to anything his asking until I can get some advice
He is still in the house but his off work at the moment looking after the kids so I can work so I am a little stuck asking him to leave, plus its easter on sunday and although he is awful to me the kids to love him loads and they will be upset if he just goes.
Its such a mess am evening doubting myself that I am doing the right thing I feel like I should stick it out for the kids I feel like they will hate me and blame me for all this
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I agree with KIP that they lie. Mine said he would take the children and the house. (Like he knew how to look after them!) and it was all hot air, very scary but no truth in it It was scare tactics. I remember being at the point you are, though it’s many years ago, it’s the worst. I think I was lucky in that he agreed to a’trial separation’ and moved out for a short while and never moved back. I’d had some advice from a solicitor recommended by WA by then. I hope you can get this advice soon. Keep strong. It’s hard but the best thing I ever did.
xx
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I have just read a post from another lady in another group and it’s scared the life out of me. What if he won what if he got my children and I could never see them again.
He is so manipulative and so are all his family his a very good actor and can turn on the charm. People think his so lovely as his so well spoken with a calm voice but obviously there’s 2 sides to him.
He also thinks I am the abusing one and said I’m the one treating him so badly and he denies anything he has said to me says I’m a liar and making it all up
I am not sure I can do this I think I will have to stay and just put up with it
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Hang in there. Please keep trying women’s aid. Find your local one too. With their help you can understand the abusers tactics and they also have access to many other agencies that can help you with housing etc. If it’s too scary at the moment then just keep researching. Keep talking to people who know, find women’s aid, speak to a solicitor, your GP. Find a counsellor who is trained in domestic abuse, educate yourself. I know how you feel because I have been there. Practically, ask yourself if he’s actually capable of full time care of children? It’s all lies designed to keep you under his control. It’s all so overwhelming but his tactics are well known to police and courts. Keep a secret journal and write everything down. This can be used as evidence. Confide in your GP. Abuse always get worse and you are now finding out and there is lots more to come. He will punish your for this once he regains control. I used to think my ex was this all powerful figure who could manipulate anyone. Not true. The police and courts saw right through his charade, it was only me and the abuse and the brainwashing making me think that.
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