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The CSA had to be involved because of living with the fear of being on the streets at any given moment due to his financial abuse.
the csa is ending, is anyone else feeling too scared to do this again? or to trust the safety of our data to a new organisation who seem to take no account at all of DV situations. I have tried phoning them.
Wits end, can’t go back to that again it nearly broke me, and i’m still not sure it hasn’t 🙁
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thats useful to hear EeyoreNoMore, I had heard they were two different organisations [CMO CMS], and that CMO is supposed to put you straight through to CMS and not take your details, and my experience hasn’t been this, and also that there is no support to get you through a process that involves your ex which is so scarey.
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Hey HUn
JUst apply for it , they dont care what scenario they put us in, it is now called cma , makes no difference is same priniciples, and most of time these abusers dont pay us, ijust made it clear my address was not to be disclosed, had to pay a small fee for them to handle all communciation , main 20 fee is waived if u say it was a d v relationship. (detail removed by Moderator) years on he still refuses to pay me. See it as try, every penny counts, he has no right to say no his not going to pay, what are u scared of , maybe can help you with your mindset
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the fear is CMO/CMS giving away our hidden address/lives, and that leading back to having any kind of contact again. There is also valuable evidence with CMS regarding his behaviour over not paying CM, and refusing to deal with CSA so that the CSA had to go direct to his work to get payment from him.
I’m not in any way up to dealing with going back to that, its taking all my strength and wherewithall to just keep on an even keel and try to keep going forward.
the child maintenance options service, as i understand it, are supposed to refer you direct to CMS once any mention of DV, and you are supposed to automatically avoid the ‘family arrangement’ and exchange of details options to the previous way i was paid. i made that step and i was ignored and being asked details from CMO which i shouldn’t have and couldn’t deal with it, so had to back out 🙁 w*f!
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they are as a new organisation not getting a great record for helping women in these situations and that many are ending up far worse off, like £5 a month, instead of properly assessedamounts as they don’t bbother to reassess. i can’t claim to understand it, as finding the whole thing too overwhelming.
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I had to use them and the CSA.
What can I say, he had a large amount owed under the CSA and the new lot said I had to keep giving him a chance and to sort it out ourselves.
They did the calculations and did some of the chasing when I reported he hadn’t paid again. Each time I was told to give him another chance because he would pay something eventually.I refused for them to give him my bank details and set up a paypal account he could pay into (there are some other similar things).
He already knows where we live so I couldn’t tell you about that.
It was only when the right person saw my file that they took over the getting the payments and paying to me. I have to pay the extra to them for this service.
However they still haven’t gone to his employers to get the payments directly and I get each month a letter from them saying they have had difficulty collecting the payment please do not rely on the money coming in, but will be back in touch when they do get it.
Currently he owes more than he has ever paid and I doubt if I will ever see it.
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Hello, Karmasister. The situation with me was that he threatened me about taking my daughter and ‘destroying me’ and because I was so worried about her welfare in his care I never claimed anything from him. I feel that money was a big issue for him and that while I didn’t claim anything or ask for anything he didn’t push about contact. I knew a couple of other mother’s who discussed something similar with me about their situations which influenced me on this. I can’t go into too much detail but because, after a particular incident, he was worried about being exposed for his domestically abusive behaviour, he started payments himself through the CSA in order to cover his back I expect. This was not a good experience for me and he ended up with my bank account details. So my abuser now had access to my bank account. Anyway the amount was set and it has never changed in very many years. I was sent letters to get it reassessed or whatever and I really wanted to fill out those forms because I know I should be receiving more but I just couldn’t do it. If it means he leaves us alone more because he doesn’t pay the money then I would rather struggle financially than struggle with him. Its better for me and my child that way. He tells my daughter its ‘her’ money and he always insists on a phone call or a discussion about it every month. He splits up payments and wants a phone call about that. He also wants a thank you every time as well. Also, he would ring and demand hour long conversations and be shouting down the phone. When he got what he wanted he would say, ‘right, you can have your money now’. I think the CSA helped him, not me. I certainly don’t feel they buffered me from him and they even encouraged me to discuss it all with him. Because of the CSA I feel he was pushed back into my life and ended up with lots more contact with me, ended up with my bank account details and knows my financial situation. If a woman has a child and can’t work at that time, there’s little option but to claim for something somewhere. In the first few years of my daughter’s life he wasn’t paying any contribution and I was even losing welfare benefit because I wouldn’t give them the details of my abuser, because of fear of what that might mean for me and my daughter, as a reaction to his behaviour and threats. Eventually, I found a job and it was the first time I felt I might get ahead, might finally be able to keep the gas and electric on all week, and not worry about shopping for groceries or having to buy my daughter a new pair of shoes and so on. I held onto that job for a while, until there was an issue with my daughter and it ended up that I had no option but to give up the job because she needed me at home, I was missing so much time at work through it that they gave me an option, either resign or they would have to terminate my employment, but if I resigned I’d get a better reference. So I resigned. I feel I’ve been had over a barrel because I am a mother. I am probably able to sign on but I don’t. The reason being that I experienced this once and it was the most awful, degrading experience and I felt very vulnerable. The woman who signed me on was insisting that I put my cv on a public forum, that I went about things a certain way (which isn’t how someone with my skills gets employed anyway) and there is the horrible fear of having money stopped every time you sign on because you are not trying hard enough. Its an open room as well, how do you discuss why you need to keep your information private in an open space. I was there once and there were two other mothers in the room known to me. I found it very humiliating and again, I’d rather manage without the money. It’s been a horrible experience. I’ve studied and worked so hard, achieved a good career and yet I can’t take it back up so I need to be able to retrain, I think, or find a way to work from home. And at the back of me always, is a man who resents me having any small thing that I might get some pleasure from in my life or any independence or people who are nice to me, and he wants to strip it away from me or control it himself. If I don’t allow him into my life, his threat is ALWAYS that he will use our child. He sees it that being her father gives him control over me. I know CSA has changed but I don’t know how. I don’t have anything to do with them and they have closed the case because I didn’t fill out those forms. Now I am dependent upon him giving us some money and I know I will just accept whatever. For me the issue is always about how any decision will affect my child.
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thank you for sharing your experiences, and its so worrying that behind this is the same old fear, which i feel, and you do, for your privacy and possible consequences. so not claiming the money could be so much easier. I think the debts disappear with the new agency CMS don’t they?
i really relate to the paying hte money direct to the children and it being their money to somehow pay rent and tax and car and telly and food and clothes and toiletries… refusing to deal with csa / cms now
does anyone know of support you can get to go through this.
I know gingerbread have been expressing issues over this and give a guide to the process in our situation and also links to complaint forms and so on, but there is too much to manage to be complaining about it on top of everything else!
warmest wishes ks xx
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