Too soon to move on?

[Little sadness]

My husband has been emotionally abusive and coercively controlling for many years, but I thought we just had normal marital problems until a few months ago.

Things have been escalating for some time because my (person removed by Moderator) said I had what it takes to pursue a professional career in (profession removed by Moderator). It’s a dream come true, but my husband has been against it from the start. He saw (subject removed by Moderator) as his rival and wanted me to agree to drop it if he ever said it was taking me away from him too much.

We had a particularly bad interaction soon after where he cornered me and took my phone away so I couldn’t ring my friend for help. After that, I felt emotionally and physically numb towards him.

Over time, I fell in love with my (person removed by Moderator). This is not surprising considering he was kind and affirming and I’d had emotional validation intentionally withheld for so long. My (person removed by Moderator) had no idea – I kept it all inside expect for journaling (detail removed by Moderator). But my husband found the journal entries and further escalated and isolated me.

Finally I realised I was being abused and had been abused for many years. Once I realised it, C-PTSD kicked in, and after a few weeks of trying to function, I asked my husband to move out. I haven’t looked back – definitely no trauma bonding I guess. And no more C-PTSD thankfully.

Anyway, I finally told my (person removed by Moderator) of my feelings. It turns out he loves me as well, but everyone is advising him that I need time for recovery before we can start a relationship. This was (number removed by Moderator) months ago.

How soon is too soon to move on? I feel that my marriage has been dead for a long time already, with the final blow having been (number removed by Moderator) months ago. I have surprised myself with how securely and healthily I’ve been able to love someone after all I’ve been through. (Although I do tend to be paranoid about being emotionally manipulated, but that’s not surprising given my past. And he has been very patient with me through all of that.)

Is it unwise to pursue this new relationship? Or could it be helpful and healing?

[minimeerkat]

many including myself have run straight from one abusive relationship to another & if they were like me they really had no idea that who they were running to was as bad if not worse than the one they had left.  and i think this can easily happen because we were so blown away with how wonderful it suddenly felt to be ‘in love’ – especially after having been in relationships that had made us feel deeply unhappy scared & lonely etc.  we were too preoccupied with these amazing feelings at the time to consider anything else.

also some women can bury whatever trauma they have experienced to function normally but it doesnt mean its gone away – it silently waits until possibly activated by something.

i do wonder how vulnerable you are & whether this person could be taking advantage of this. its ok to take as much time as you need to continue getting to know someone new & if they are a decent person they will respect this – because this will also give you any time needed to heal & be keeping you safer too x

[Cherries]

I went from one abusive to another. Abusive in different ways but they are different people. All were some level of controlling, and their needs came first. Mine were non existent and mentioning that I had them meant I was starting and argument.

Not one of these relationships started like that, and I would say with the exception of the last one I was very vulnerable for the start of all of them. By the time I realised?  Well and truly enmeshed. Difficult to get out of.

Who doesn’t like the feeling of being noticed and validated after what we’ve been through…but none of them could keep it up.

From an older, been around the track a couple of times, hopefully wiser perspective, a relationship cannot heal us. Nobody else can do the work. They can make us feel better temporarily but the damage an abuser does goes deep and it takes work to undo. I’ve uncovered things about myself that have me cringing 😆

Think of it like this. If you were the most healed, wise, stable person in the world…would you find a vulnerable, damaged, anxious person a great choice for a life partner?

I know its an awful question but I had to ask myself the same thing.  And as kind as I may think I am the answer would be no. I want someone I can walk forwards with as an equal. I don’t want a fixer upper.

So I will stay single because me…Im a fixer upper, and I attract people who either get an ego boost off ‘being the saviour and being seen as the nice guy hero’ or someone who rubs their hands together in glee because I am so badly in need of love I will perform like a monkey to get it, and that makes me easy to control.

 

All of that said. I wouldn’t know any of this about myself if I hadn’t done the relationships so maybe that was just my path.

If you do proceed go very slowly. They can’t keep it up forever, and educate yourself on things you may miss as red flags.

Good luck x

[Sulkybee]

Fabulous advice.  I think it is the need to be loved that I hadn’t identified in myself. Thanks for sharing.

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