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Bluegem.
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4th July 2019 at 10:38 am #82340
Bluegem
ParticipantHi, my story is different from many on here as I am in my sixties and also I left my abusive partner (detail removed by moderator) and have had no contact since … apart from just after I left and he sent me a large pair of kitchen scissors through the post which I think was meant to scare me (I just texted him ‘thanks for the scissors’). I had been living with him in his house for (detail removed by moderator) and looking back his behaviour became more controlling and emotionally abusive over time. I left once but went back. Then I got cancer and that’s when the abuse turned physical and sexual. I had blocked it from my mind until recently when a new cancer scare brought all those memories flooding back. I decided I had to report him and wrote down exactly what he did to me as I could not bring myself to say the words. On two occasions he used physical force to sexually assault me (not full rape) and another time it was control and coercion to get me to engage in a sex act with him (I was still black and blue from cancer surgery at the time which I think he got off on). I first went to citizens advice and a lady there read what I had written down and said “I think this is a police matter”. However, she referred me to a local solicitor even though I told her I was on means tested benefits. I went for my appointment and the solicitor gave me about 20 mins of free time (I could have had an hour). She read my report and said that each of the three episodes I had detailed were all criminal offences. She said that if I reported him to the police they would probably arrest him, interview him under caution and then release him on bail. Then it would be up to the Crown Prosecution Service to decide whether there was enough evidence to prosecute. She basically advised me against going to the police as she said what did I hope to achieve and that it would be a very tough road ahead for me. I then rang my local Woman’s Aid and she said basically the same. That reporting to the police is not the best thing as they can give women a hard time because they see it all the time and it would be difficult to prove if there were no witnesses. She actually asked me if there were any witnesses, I said ‘of course not, it all went on behind closed doors and he is outwardly a pillar of the community’. So now I’m left wandering what to do. I did see on here that if you go to the police it is important to speak to a properly trained sexual offences liaison officer but neither the solicitor nor the woman I spoke to on the phone mentioned that. To think I could have just blurted it all out to some local bobby who may have no clue as to what the law is on sexual abuse. I am having counselling and the WA advisor said probably my best thing is to carry on with the counselling and try and just get on with my life. I said “but he committed a criminal offence and he’s getting away with it”, she said “it depends what way you look at it, you left him so he didn’t really get away with it”. I would love to hear from other women who have gone through with reporting an ex for historic sexual abuse and what their experiences were. I still have not decided what to do by the way, one minute I feel so angry at what that miserable creep did to me when I was already going through cancer and want to see him punished. Then I think of my (almost) happy life now living a peaceful existence and do I really want to put myself through all that at my time of life. One other question I have is that is there any way I could report the crimes so that the police have them on record in case he has done this to someone else, but without taking him to court. I suspect not but just wondered. Thank you for reading.
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4th July 2019 at 11:17 am #82344
KIP.
ParticipantI reported historical sexual abuse and rape and I don’t regret it one bit. It gave me the power back and I held him accountable. He is now on their radar and if any other woman is brave enough to come forward she will have my statement as corroboration. The advice you’ve been given in my opinion is horrendous. They don’t understand the need as a victim to be validated and believed and at the very least to be heard. I found rape crisis were fantastic. I believe you can make a statement through them without giving your details but I game mine to the police. There is a sexual offences department within the police who are trained to be sensitive. The likes of Jimmy Saville and other high profile historical cases came about because more than one victim spoke up. in my experience, if he’s done it once, he will simply repeat the pattern with the next victim. In fact there is research that shows it gets worse. I’m not much younger than you. Age has nothing to do with it for me. How do they know what your abuser will say if the police speak to him. Some of these men drop themselves right in it because of their sense of importance and entitlement. The more woman that report, the more notice is taken of these crimes. My advice is what have you got to lose. I love the text you sent back to him. Made me laugh. You obviously have a huge strength about you x
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4th July 2019 at 12:32 pm #82351
Bluegem
ParticipantThank you KIP for your reply, from which I gather you can give the details to the police so they have it on record in case anyone else were to come forward (or maybe even has in the past). You are right in that as victims we need to be validated and heard. The thinking that I should be able to move on and put this behind me whilst that creep lives free and able to do it again sucks. I will at least contact the police and ask to speak to someone trained in this field and see what she advises. Thank goodness for this site, shame we women need it though! x
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